What's the best thing to use for cleaning a 'bunch of fives'? A knuckle duster.
Alan Machnik
@alanmachnik.bsky.social
Engineering Director. Comedy Writer. Husband. Father. 50% chocolate, 40% crisps, 20% bad at arithmetic. Once fired from Ann Summers for getting Chas and Dave to do a stock take...
What's the best thing to take if you're allergic to giant clocks? Big Benadryl.
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I saw Twisted Sister last night. I know I shouldn't call her that but she really should've been wearing her seatbelt.
I remember my Uncle fondly. Although, I really shouldn't call him that, but then he shouldn't have groped all those women.
What is the best thing to wear for when you fall down stairs? A slinky dress.
To make Beautiful Southern Fried Chicken, you need a little thyme.
Ingredients for MC Hammer's favourite soup: Stock ... Ham and thyme.
Who called it a 'Horse Whisperer' and not a 'Neigh Sayer'?
Who called it 'Alternative Medicine' and not 'Unorthodocs'?
The most dangerous drink I ever had was a Hand Grenadine.
What's Blondie's favourite part of an Excel Spreadsheet? Column E
They've just announced when the final of the 'Draw Around a Fruit' Championships will be. I'm very excited, I've already circled the date.
Everyone knows that The Crucible was the name of a famous play, but they forget that it was also the setting of a famous musical: Jesus Christ Snooker Star.
What is the most popular instrument used by Emo bands? The self-harmonica.
I've been accused of killing someone with Nicorette. It's going to be difficult to prove my innocence as the Police found me standing over the body holding the smoking gum.
How do you make a Cat Flap? Hold one of its kittens for ransom.
Why can't you hear a dog whistle? Because they can't pucker their lips.
Still gutted that Friends wasn't about one of the group called Hugh, who was going through a rough time. Apparently, The Rembrandts felt the same way.
To help cure myself of my addiction to Alfred Hitchcock movies, I'm about to embark on a 39 Step program.
I've opened a Clash of the Titans themed cafe, and can confirm you can't make an omelette without Kraken eggs.
I remember my Dad taking me to my first Demolition Derby. I was just a young Demolition City fan, my Dad supported Demolition Utd.
Unfortunately, I've only been given one listing to try and sell my sweets, and my best Star Wars memorabilia. I'll probably just list the mint Imperials.
Some feat for King Charles, at his age, to win the Women's Singles at Wimbledon...
If you die at a an S&M party, the organiser has to contact your next of kink.
The Personnel department of Castle Greyskull is also called He-Man Resources.