my brain is a cartoon on crutches wobbling down the street badly. the news is following it in a helicopter because for some reason it’s also a criminal! i’m on the news man

I was feeling bad and my dog put her paw on me and had the idea of maybe I if made her dinner that would help? And do you know what she was right

Batman the animated series made me believe in a formative manner that there’d be a whole Fucking lot more goddamn blimps in my life. But there’s almost no blimps. Every time I see a blimp, I gasp. I shouldn’t have to gasp. Blimp should be around for my life. Where blimp

Staying up so late is just my way of defeating time and just like so many things I am definitely right about this statement. Every night I defeat time and everything is fixed

Hopefully, one day, a small man will jump out of a portal that just appeared and run up to me and hand me a miniature clock and a receipt from 2018. And I will be like “what is this” and he’ll just flip me off

person: hey Aud how’s it g me, not only interrupting you but also running straight at you then shoving you into a wall: i cleaned him with a vacuum

Sometimes you get a bill in the mail and you nod at it and you place it right back into the mailbox. Sometimes that is what you Fucking do

this is a great hat to wear literally every place including my own apartment

When Jurassic park came out i was 6 and one of my first known coherent thoughts of my life was that I thought “an adventure 65 million years in the making” meant it took them that long to make the movie

Just watched Mitch McConnell perform a spoken word poem at an open mic in Phoenix. Beautifully I might add and his wife even joined him on stage

please do not thanks we received your payment to me. do not do it. and I would like it back please

“LET’S GO DO CANNONBALLS IN THE REFLECTING POOL!” America screeched.

America Kept Inviting Me to Her Birthday Party, But I Just Wanted to Take Her to the Hospital So She Can Get the Help She Sorely Needs

“Big birthday comin’ up," America said, letting out a huge belch. “Girl, you’re nude in a Chili’s," I told her. "You need to go to the hospital.”

buff.ly

“Big birthday comin’ up," America said, letting out a huge belch. “Girl, you’re nude in a Chili’s," I told her. "You need to go to the hospital.”

America Kept Inviting Me to Her Birthday Party, But I Just Wanted to Take Her to the Hospital So She Can Get the Help She Sorely Needs

“Big birthday comin’ up," America said, letting out a huge belch. “Girl, you’re nude in a Chili’s," I told her. "You need to go to the hospital.”

buff.ly

fireworks are for wimps which is why I’m in a field throwing a hot dog in the air and shooting it with a gun

it’s the 250th anniversary of Jaws

This is infringing my free speech. Please share the elf

InfoWars@realinfowars.bsky.social · last mo.

DO NOT SHARE SCREENSHOTS OF THE INFOWARS ELF.

oh your work lives at an intersection of several abstract concepts? sounds great I’ll meet you there you fucking bitch

America keeps trying to get me to go to her birthday party and I’m like no girl u need to go to the hospital

Can everything and everyone stop being completely insane. Probably not right ok just checking

walking down the street just now a guy on a motorcycle at a red light sneezed and another person on the sidewalk said “bless you bro” and the motorcycle guy said “thank you my man” and the sidewalk person said “no problem dude”

It is impossible to log in to anything because you have to log in to everything and I am stupid. Have a good day

just momentarily thought the back of a guy’s pony tailed head was his face and got so scared

Meat is a classic American dish

I accidentally walked into a magic shop and was asked if I was magician and a life I never knew flashed before my eyes and I had to say no which felt unfair

all of the actors are trapped inside of Apple TV like it’s an orb that captures celebrities

Rolled my window down to ask a raven how it was doing

when I see someone I know from afar at the grocery store

I should be able to fast forward literally anything. And so should you brother

buddy if i wanted to fight you i'd tell you to meet me in the laundry room of my apartment building. that's where people really kick some ass

Maris one is on point though

DC Pierson@dcpierson.bsky.social · last mo.

These Frasier Funkos are kinda off-model