"I’m beyond grateful that you and the army of emotionally courageous people constructing you were willing to share that your father died by suicide. That big reveal changed my life, and the life of my Hotspurs-loving preteen son, whose father died the same way."

An Open Letter to Ted Lasso with Some Gosh-Darn Hard Questions for the Upcoming Season

“I’m beyond grateful that you and the army of emotionally courageous people constructing you were willing to share that your father died by suicide. That big...

mcsweeneys.net

My latest on @mcsweeneys.net where I try to help out with our current, heavy baggage. Meet me on the bridge, you dear long-lost Americans!

Travel Tips When Encountering Fellow Americans Abroad

“When spotting another American in a foreign country, your first instinct is usually the correct one: run in the opposite direction. Like you, this person ha...

mcsweeneys.net

"She is the hottest girl in Amherst. Did you see that white dress she insists on wearing every day? It reaches all the way to the floor, baby."

This Summer, I’m Gonna Totally Bang Emily Dickinson

“She is the hottest girl in Amherst. Did you see that white dress she insists on wearing every day? It reaches all the way to the floor, baby.” 8/6/24 8/4/25...

buff.ly

Every night somebody places a phone directly in front of me. “Air fryer hack!” “Air fryer cinnamon rolls!” “Air fryer pasta!” Pasta? I’m an air fryer, not a wizard.

I Am Your Family’s Air Fryer, and I Have Seen Things

Every meal becomes a rescue mission. “How’s it looking?” You tell me. You’re the one opening my drawer every thirty seconds like a detective examining a crim...

buff.ly

"The crossed-arm sweater says: this is the kind of woman who can elegantly eat clam chowder without getting grease stains on me."

A Packing List for the Woman I Will Become on My Summer Vacation to Cape Cod

“Seasickness acupressure wristbands: The woman will not make the mistake again of interrupting their whale-watching sail by throwing up over the side of her ...

buff.ly

LEVEL: Situation Room 🪖 $5M/mo ✅ Everything in Patriot ✅ Free 30-day trial as Cabinet member ✅ Dick pill ads down to 75 seconds Invasion Persuasion 🌎 Vote in presidential finsta polls on upcoming military intervention and strike targets. www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/sub...

Subscription Tiers for Truth API, President Trump’s New Premium Data Feed

“Truth API is the premier platform for breaking news, market insights, and PSAs (Paywalled Safety Announcements) from the executive branch.”

mcsweeneys.net

"When I plead, 'Why? Why are you doing this? Is it because my intro went on too long? Was it my failed joke?' an older man will spit in my face, 'You know why.' Then, a teenager will snap at me, 'Shut up, freak,' and stuff a dirty sock in my mouth."

What I Think Will Happen When I’m Public Speaking

1. I’ll overheat and sweat through the armpit area of my shirt. 2. I’ll mix up my words and embarrass myself. 3. The audience will collectively decide to mur...

buff.ly

Tech billionaire + vampire = our dystopian future #mcsweeneys #ai #satire

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net · 22h ago

"You can’t pay for anything by card anymore. That stopped being a thing in the 2030s. The Data Lord doesn’t take AmEx. It’s half a pint now, or a full pint every two months, and you’re on a monthly plan. Hold your arm out, and I’ll get the tourniquet." buff.ly/mI21wrK

"You can’t pay for anything by card anymore. That stopped being a thing in the 2030s. The Data Lord doesn’t take AmEx. It’s half a pint now, or a full pint every two months, and you’re on a monthly plan. Hold your arm out, and I’ll get the tourniquet." buff.ly/mI21wrK

It’s Cute How Grandma Doesn’t Even Know How to Blood Tithe to the Data Lord

“You can’t pay for anything by card anymore. That stopped being a thing in the 2030s. The Data Lord doesn’t take AmEx. It’s half a pint now, or a full pint e...

mcsweeneys.net

"Like you, this person has come here to blot out the very idea of the place they left behind. The last thing either one of you needs right now is the reminder of how lost you are, both in an unprecedented, historic sense, and also in the center of this lovely, cobblestoned town."

Travel Tips When Encountering Fellow Americans Abroad

“When spotting another American in a foreign country, your first instinct is usually the correct one: run in the opposite direction. Like you, this person ha...

buff.ly

"You wanted transparency. You wanted oversight. While we couldn’t provide either of those things, we more than made up for it in deceit and unkept promises."

Announcing Our AI Data Center’s First Take Your Child to Work Day

“You will have the opportunity to showcase your daily routines for the edification of your little one in hopes it will instill a desire in them to remain liv...

buff.ly

LEVEL: Situation Room 🪖 $5M/mo ✅ Everything in Patriot ✅ Free 30-day trial as Cabinet member ✅ Dick pill ads down to 75 seconds Invasion Persuasion 🌎 Vote in presidential finsta polls on upcoming military intervention and strike targets. www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/sub...

Subscription Tiers for Truth API, President Trump’s New Premium Data Feed

“Truth API is the premier platform for breaking news, market insights, and PSAs (Paywalled Safety Announcements) from the executive branch.”

mcsweeneys.net

What do you miss about undergrad? A. Judging my self-worth by grades and validation from authority figures. B. Using meal points at the dining hall for lunch, and then hosting a dinner party for eight friends who only eat cabbage dishes and natural wine.

QUIZ: Do You Want to Go to Grad School or Do You Just Need a Snack?

Do you know what you’d study in grad school? A. Yes. I’ve thoroughly thought through the decision to go to grad school. B. Today it’s rock formations. Tomorr...

buff.ly

"If you grew up taking magazine quizzes on Friday nights in your friend's den—or alone, pretending you were scoring your friends' answers, while they were across town prank calling your landline to order Schweddy balls—this is your chance to get back at them with deep knowledge." buff.ly/XQN2lC2

Is it AuDHD… or Are You Just Strange? A Seventeen Magazine–Style Quiz for Millennials

“If you grew up taking magazine quizzes on Friday nights in Stacey’s den—or alone, pretending you were scoring Stacey’s and Becky’s answers while they grabbe...

mcsweeneys.net

I’m on vacation for two weeks, as of, like, 57 minutes ago. Now what?

The Children of Light, the graphic novel I translated, is coming out on August 18th, and is available for pre-order! So far it's been getting some very nice reviews, which I'm gonna put in this here thread

The Children of Light

An advanced alien race attempts to escape oblivion with the help of a world-sized spaceship, an omniscient supercomputer, and a mysterious group of godlike creatures in this astonishingly illustrated ...

bookshop.org

1) it's my birthday today!!! 2) I have a new piece out in @mcsweeneys.net that's definitely funny! Haha! Not horrific and depressing! Promise!

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net · 22h ago

"You can’t pay for anything by card anymore. That stopped being a thing in the 2030s. The Data Lord doesn’t take AmEx. It’s half a pint now, or a full pint every two months, and you’re on a monthly plan. Hold your arm out, and I’ll get the tourniquet." buff.ly/mI21wrK

"Look, I’m not claiming that Gothbag the Terrible was perfect. He was only human. He made some questionable decisions. I don’t think hunting every man, woman, and child for sport on the Isle of Skye was a good idea. But you have to remember it was a different time."

We Must Not Destroy Our History by Tearing Down Statues of Great Men Like Gothbag the Terrible

“If we tear down the statue of him standing athwart the crushed bodies of his foes and drinking their blood from a skull, how will we ever remember all the g...

buff.ly

Your next dnd character has arrived.

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net · yesterday

"He steals from the rich to give to the poor, which sounds generous until you learn what he steals. The people of Sherwood do not need six unmatched salt shakers, twenty-three hotel towels, or a bag of decorative seashells." buff.ly/VA5DpmF

"No Fair activates when the enemy retaliates in a manner that negatively influences approval numbers at home. American strikes are strategic, proportionate, and necessary. Enemy strikes are reckless escalations proving they cannot be trusted to respond calmly to American strikes."

“Nuh-Uh,” “Not It,” and Other New Pentagon Strategies for Winning at War

“Modern warfare is full of consequences that continue to exist even after the president says they do not. Fortunately, the Pentagon has begun replacing outda...

buff.ly

"Look, I’ve got nothing against Queequeg. He’s a nice guy. And he can spy a whale spout in a hurricane. And hit a nickel-sized moving target in open water in one steel stroke. But all those 'biggee' tattoos? Tell me they don’t scream 'diversity hire.'"

I’d Be Lead Harpooner on the Pequod If It Wasn’t for These DEI Hires

“Look, I’ve got nothing against Queequeg. He’s a nice guy. And he can spy a whale spout in a hurricane. And hit a nickel-sized moving target in open water in...

buff.ly

"You may have noticed that our rewards punch cards are quite large. We need plenty of space to accommodate so many stamps and so much savings! But if you prefer, you can store your card in our convenient, in-store punch card lock boxes for a small monthly fee."

Your Local Wine Store’s Super Simple Rewards Card Program

“We want our system to be simple, fun, and fair to everyone. So, to make sure that customers aren’t gaming the rewards by buying our cheaper wines to quickly...

buff.ly

"You can’t pay for anything by card anymore. That stopped being a thing in the 2030s. The Data Lord doesn’t take AmEx. It’s half a pint now, or a full pint every two months, and you’re on a monthly plan. Hold your arm out, and I’ll get the tourniquet." buff.ly/mI21wrK

It’s Cute How Grandma Doesn’t Even Know How to Blood Tithe to the Data Lord

“You can’t pay for anything by card anymore. That stopped being a thing in the 2030s. The Data Lord doesn’t take AmEx. It’s half a pint now, or a full pint e...

mcsweeneys.net

This is crossing over from funny to frightening. Deeply frightening.

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net · 2d ago

Q: Any thoughts on past natalist efforts? A: I’m still cramming. It’s a lot, but I’ve cleared three Wikipedia articles in four days. Long ones, with user awards. I’m great at locking in for a deadline.

"If you grew up taking magazine quizzes on Friday nights in your friend's den—or alone, pretending you were scoring your friends' answers, while they were across town prank calling your landline to order Schweddy balls—this is your chance to get back at them with deep knowledge." buff.ly/XQN2lC2

Is it AuDHD… or Are You Just Strange? A Seventeen Magazine–Style Quiz for Millennials

“If you grew up taking magazine quizzes on Friday nights in Stacey’s den—or alone, pretending you were scoring Stacey’s and Becky’s answers while they grabbe...

mcsweeneys.net

Every single edible object that enters this house must pass through me. Chicken nuggets? Me. Leftover pizza? Me. Frozen spring rolls? Absolutely me. An experimental zucchini recipe your mom found at 1:12 a.m. on Facebook? Unfortunately, also me.

I Am Your Family’s Air Fryer, and I Have Seen Things

Every meal becomes a rescue mission. “How’s it looking?” You tell me. You’re the one opening my drawer every thirty seconds like a detective examining a crim...

buff.ly

"You will have the opportunity to showcase your daily routines for the edification of your little one in hopes it will instill a desire in them to remain living here and work for us when we need to obtain fresh humans." www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/ann...

Announcing Our AI Data Center’s First Take Your Child to Work Day

“You will have the opportunity to showcase your daily routines for the edification of your little one in hopes it will instill a desire in them to remain liv...

mcsweeneys.net

"He steals from the rich to give to the poor, which sounds generous until you learn what he steals. The people of Sherwood do not need six unmatched salt shakers, twenty-three hotel towels, or a bag of decorative seashells." buff.ly/VA5DpmF

Robin Hood, Prince of Compulsive and Pointless Theft

“He steals from the rich to give to the poor, which sounds generous until you learn what he steals. The people of Sherwood do not need six unmatched salt sha...

mcsweeneys.net

"The Rainbow Fish" Blatant propaganda from the LGBToomanyletters community. Not to mention, the fish makes friends by giving away its silver scales, making it an ordinary, ugly fish with no accumulated wealth. A bunch of communist crap.

Dangerous Children’s Picture Books That Could Be Lurking in Your Home

“Where the Wild Things Are is a horrifying story of lawlessness and open borders.” 3/2/25 7/31/26

buff.ly

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH. *rips hair out*

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net · 2d ago

"Look, I’m not claiming that Gothbag the Terrible was perfect. He was only human. He made some questionable decisions. I don’t think hunting every man, woman, and child for sport on the Isle of Skye was a good idea. But you have to remember it was a different time."