i know votes are still being counted but the more i look at this michigan senate map the more it becomes clear that it kind of looks like a mitten
me: the simpsons have four fingers on each hand so you’d think they’d live in a base 8 society but as far as I can tell there’s no evidence of that in the show my wife: *screaming during labor* the obgyn: hold on i want to hear more about this
Wow sources close to LeBron say he signed with Philadelphia to “record a split EP with Kurt Vile” and that the 4x NBA champion has “always been drawn to [his] circular lo-fi riffs” and “laid back vocals”
news: thousands sick after eating contaminated iceberg lettuce captain of the titanic: OH I GUESS ITS NOT SO EASY TO SPOT A DANGEROUS ICEBERG NOW IS IT
cruise (maintaining intense eye contact and leaning forward to perform active listening): cookies? that’s fantastic, wow
before cameras they used to sculpt your face for your imdb profile picture
odyssey this, odyssey that. some of you fellas odda see a dang therapist
ME: basically i’m on the computer all day and i’m not allowed to eat lettuce even if i wanted to 10 YEAR OLD ME: that sounds incredible ME: well not really
GOD: and there shall be a profession known as LIFEGUARD ANGEL: to whom will we give this great responsibility of guarding lives? GOD: teenagers ANGEL: ah...so they have their entire lives to devote to it GOD: no just like part time for a summer
my wife always wants me to eat more vegetables. especially since they started carrying the diarrhea parasite
the most effective horror films prey on our collective fear of something really scary happening
me trying to remember the name of my wife’s close relative: uhh me trying to remember the name of a first baseman who played for both the arizona diamondbacks and the oakland athletics: erubiel durazo
I’ve thought about this tweet so often I had to go look it up
the odyssey? buddy you odda see what I did with your mom last night
there are still some tickets left for my show in person and if you’re not around, there are live stream tickets avail!! You can watch the live stream for up to 7 days after the show at your leisure. Wow. Great deal. ucbcomedy.com/show/one-nig...
sorcerer remake about transferring my sleeping baby from the car to his crib
"the point guard" looks nice and the whole team seem to have eaten their spaghetti and meat balls!
they're setting up a stage midcourt so josh and benny safdie can reunite
just got this pretty cool gift out of the blue. sounds like there's stuff inside too, probably more gifts
the waiter is coming to refill my water? ok cool time to say thank you like 8 times for some reason
jerry: she took you to the backrooms? george: she took me to the backrooms! jerry: i've only been to the frontrooms george: it's a whole different room jerry! jerry: you ever take a guy to the backrooms, elaine? elaine: he'd need a one wish willow
