I saw a tattoo shop with a sign that said 'we back the blue', which I assume just means they're ok doing swastikas
Hey, I work at the dept of shithead idiots and we've been getting a lot of calls about you
but they already made a historically accurate version of the odyssey?
Are you even friends if you haven't added a shortcut to their city in your weather app?
I love when I submit a return for something I got on Amazon and they're like 'Here's your money, don't even send that piece of shit back. We don't want it either'
I sit on innovative surfaces. Lie down in imaginative ways. I rest my feet in places so unexpected that it has been called groundbreaking
a special burn unit specifically for people who can’t wait for their food to cool down
I respect 'what the fuck' and 'what the hell', but if I hear someone say 'what the shit' I'm gonna try to make the situation, whatever it may be, even worse
My only option for a little sweet treat tonight is a cookie that I dropped on the cement earlier. I'm sure it's fine
Don't ask if I'd trade you for a nice scenic overlook. You won't be pleased with the answer
Just ate 9 cookies. Don't blame yourself, there was nothing anyone could've done to stop me
Wiener fan or not, you must agree that's it's pretty magical that there's a fleet of hot dog shaped cars driving around.
The trolley problem, but it's when the McDonald's drive thru guy accidentally hands me the order for the people behind me and it's way more food and way better food and it's not the trolley problem at all.
My tire got a nail in it. So what now? Do I have to buy a new car?
Why must you bait my click? I want to click. Give me something worth clicking for
Has anybody figured out a way to listen to Smash Mouth without having to watch Shrek yet?
exec after years of bad decisions: the industry has shifted,
When I was much younger I thought 'low hanging fruit' was a reference to balls. I'd always wonder 'what does any of this have to do with balls?'
Clocking out for my break at the Chilling out & Relaxing factory to go do some soul crushing labor for 10 minutes before I have to clock back in.
It seems wasteful that we need to be able to both cough and sneeze. What if we combined them into one terrible thing