At least forever chemicals are loyal

No one knows what bemused means, we need to let this word go

Fetch me a Switch, boy. I'm gonna kick your ass at Mario kart.

I don’t really know what this 🫪 means, but that doesn’t stop me from using it a lot

I think everyone who blocked me did it because they loved me too much

Your mom is rage bait

Everyone’s worried about whether the thumbs up is sarcastic when there’s nothing more sarcastic than this 🆒

I’m at the heat advisory. I’m at the flood warning. I’m at the combination heat advisory and flood warning.

When I say “When my ship comes in” I’m talking about my library holds

hey, remember: don't eat anything and don't breathe

Seeking wisdom from the ancient texts (looking up lyrics on lyric websites)

Is word salad still safe?

What’s the opposite of a go-getter? I’m a leave-me-aloner

You were singing a song that could go on forever and I had reached the very end of outer space for silence but guess what, it was just us pausing each other for a drop like in house music couples therapy

Being on day three of scouring computer forums and finding somebody who had your same problem but eventually gave up is like seeing a dead body on Everest

My whole account is like, what if someone was playing Quiplash and made it everyone’s problem

the inevitable transition from gifted child to social media addict to supernova to black hole

They should invent a lunch it feels possible to return to your office after

Beef Wellactuallyington

There’s something very wholesome about seeing a group of women holding empty matcha cups. They’re out enjoying the summer day. They haven’t littered.

Opening a competing company called Crumpl. It’s also cookies but more tragic.

I should probably change my brita filter it's been almost 7,000 years

Sports announcer talking about an athlete: HE'S 280 POUNDS OF PURE MUSCLE Me: my god he has no bones at all

i should be allowed to take some red pandas home with me if i’m feeling really low

The girlies are wearing pajamas that look like clothes and clothes that look like pajamas. I never know what time of day it is anymore.

Wondering if IT’s response about the spam I reported was also spam. Trust no one

Para-antisocial relationship

I already celebrated Father’s Day earlier this week when I tried to make a joke to a barista that clearly made her day a little worse

the cat days of summer are when you cry a lot to be fed in between napping and biting

I’m going to a party later, so I’m watching Animal House and Can’t Hardly Wait to prepare