preacher at my funeral signals for everyone to put on their 3D glasses
me: he's a glove that sells hamburger helper girl looking at the posters in my room: no i get it
(second date) me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn't know they were going to do that "just take me home"
[foghorn leghorn at a glory hole] son i say son this hole got a mouth like an outboard motor
[5 minutes into sex with my gingerbread gf] did you crumb
wife: why is there cabbage all over the bathtub me: my showerkraut!
hello 911? i was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked and i have no idea where i am
sorry im late, my car..[forgets the word for towed] got arrested
[girl petting my dog] what's his name? [me thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
[tugging on the devil's tail as soon as i arrive in hell] it's too hot
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
[pulls a dildo out of my briefcase] your honor, if i may
if you're literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I've got some news for you
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad and puts a tiny pack of cigarettes in it's pocket] you can come home now
personal trainer: i dunno where you heard that but no, cum doesn't hydrate you me: [trying to pour thermos out but it's taking forever] ok
[helping my friend set up his linkedin account] put down youre cicumcised
[addressing everyone at my pet possum's funeral] you guys aren't gonna believe this
[video of me taking off and eating the toppings first on a pizza] judge: my god divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
i fell into a Burger King deep fryer i turned brown brown brown medical help was required and it burns burns burns that BK fryer that BK fryer
[flips tarot card and it's a picture of my butt cheeks] what the [flips next card and it's a huge thermometer] oh no
And the Michelin Man removed the tire from his waist and gave it to them, saying, “Take this and drive; for this is my body.”
[texts wife after seeing a commercial for thermometers other than rectal] YOU LIED TO ME
[holding my car door open for my date] just throw my laundry in the back
[organ at the funeral stops and everyone hears me talking] I've been taking vitamins to increase the volume of my cum
me: [leaving the inventor of the piñata's funeral] OH MY GOD
[climbs out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
[dribbles between my legs and behind my back] guy at the urinal next to me: dude