You open up the clock and inside is the broken machinery of the universe. You don't have time for this
Viktor Winetrout
@viktorwinetrout.bsky.social
Contributor: @theonion.com @sorrowscopes.bsky.social, @riversidecasino.bsky.social, @greenevillezoo.bsky.social Creator: @sorrowscopes.bsky.social
headlines now are just like “did the FCC chair violate ethics by letting the CEO of Paramount give him huge bags of cash labeled with dollar signs during merger?” and “RFK said explosive diarrhea is normal and measles aren’t real. We fact check some of his statements“
Putting raisins in a cookie should be a felony
My nephew is telling me he’s a little teapot. Only 5 years old and already a fucking liar like his father.
Taking a leave of absence from work to practice Tai chi and search for my birth mother
MISSED CONNECTION: I was the guy who posed nude for your class. You were the math professor who called campus security
[introducing a girl to my parents] these are the roommates i was telling you about
Aries: The cocoons in chamber 4 will hatch today. I wish we had more details for you.
Leo: Your life is a fucking disaster. The good news is, nobody cares!
Pisces: Love is in the air. Unfortunately, it’s toxic in concentrated amounts. Side effects include laughter & writing letters.
Got fired from my construction job because I wouldn't eat lunch atop a steel beam
and Denae Benites hits the first home run in Women's Pro Baseball League history!
in portland someone spray painted penises around potholes, and they got filled pretty immediately www.oregonlive.com/portland/202...
A crude pothole graffiti tactic got Portland’s attention. Please don’t copy it, officials say
Nearby apartment dwellers had a bird's eye view of the graphic murals.
oregonlive.com
I’m not gonna lie to you, I’ve pictured Yoda naked
nice joke, lol, reminds me of this unrelated political thing i can’t stop talking about
Your honor my client requests a brief recess to do crimes
I was having a good hair day so I took the pantyhose off my head while I was robbing the 7-Eleven
Sorry I overreacted and filled your car with honey badgers
I’m showing my age here, but when I’m buying weapons grade plutonium that’s more of a “on the computer” purchase. It feels weird buying it on my phone!
Due to ongoing legal issues, I will be permanently shutting down my bloodmobile/taco truck
The Kinks are better than The Beatles and it’s not particularly close
lil miss big boy@lighter.bsky.social · 5d agoPost your hottest music take. Mine is New Order is better than Joy Division.
Mandy at the inner light workshop said my aura is toxic
Ronald McDonald is a clown but he doesn’t really do clown shit he’s more a guy who likes that look
