CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS: *lands boat* I have discovered America! ME: here have a monster energy drink CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS: thank you *drinks it and immediately dies* ME: welcome to America bitch

Only 1490's kids will remember this *sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*

Twitter strikes again

Nobody. No one. Literally not a single person in the history of the universe. TACO BELL: Hidden Valley Diablo Ranch Nacho Fries

If you follow the trail of post-it notes I left for you, you will come to the end. You’ll know because it says “the end”. Don’t stop and don’t look back, even when you hear the footsteps and feel the hot breath on your neck. You’re safe. You can trust me, I’m a professional circus clown.

MICK JAGGER: please allow me to introduce myself- ME: *interrupting* I have a girlfriend

I wish my dad was the terminator because then he’d come back

*imagines dragons* This is badass *imagines Imagine Dragons playing a song* Well this sucks

*Cyclops from the X-Men joins police as detective* *studies body* Looks like we have a- *whips off sunglasses* *blasts body to pieces* SHIT

Awwwwooo werewolves of London Awwwwooo

My dad died calling 867-5309 you son of a bitch

Carry On My Wayward Son

NOBEL PRIZE COMMITTEE: we hereby grant this award for your groundbreaking research in the physics of BOFA. Wait, what’s BOFA? ME: *grabs medal and starts to run* no take backs

🎵I push my fingers into my eyyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeees🎵

ME: liberty bibberty DOCTOR: he’s having a stroke , let’s intubate

PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news MARIO: what is it PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead! MARIO: who? PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead MARIO: oh no!

Best pizza in Rome, highly recommended

Might fuck around and do unto others as I would have them do unto me

Just owning an English teacher what’s up with you

ISHMAEL: call me Ishmael ME: no thanks

This is very good and deserves better no matter how much it gets

ME: you’ve made a powerful enemy today CHIPOTLE GUY WHO WOULDN’T PUT AN EXTRA SCOOP OF GUACAMOLE ON MY BURRITO BOWL: ok

This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends This is the way the world ends Not with a 01100010 01100001 01101110 01100111 but a 01110111 01101000 01101001 01101101 01110000 01100101 01110010

If I were the Green Bay Packers I would simply not suck

Me if you being an iced coffee to an interview

Pulp Fiction: Intense 'Ahh' Moment

Alt: Pulp Fiction: Intense 'Ahh' Moment

static.klipy.com

ME: AI can never replace me AI: *starts making terrible posts* ME: well fuck

If Sesame Street really cared about children they'd realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month

If I were sitting on the dock of the bay there’s a good chance I would just slide off and quietly sink to the bottom

Son I'm sorry but we had to send your dog to a farm. A death farm. For dead pets. More of a trash bag than a farm really. Take out the trash.

Me looking at the Rams uniforms