Stephen Collins
@stephencollins.bsky.social
Illustrator & cartoonist | Guardian & Prospect (full scripts in alt text) | graphic novels | children’s books | WFC | My stuff: https://linktr.ee/stephencollinsart
![1
[We see the icy surface of a MOON, with Saturn looming huge in the sky. A single SPACE PROBE stands on the surface]
PROBE:
Hi guuuuys
So I’m here on Saturn’s moon Enceladus
To make first contact with some alien microbes that live in the underground sea.
Let’s gooo
DRILL
[It drills into the ice]
[Cut to the SEA UNDER THE ICE - the probe’s drill probe thing is talking to a MICROBE].
PROBE:
Yo what’s your name?
MICROBE:
Oh uh… Methanogen…
PROBE:
How do rate your attractiveness on a scale of 1-10?
MICROBE:
What
PROBE:
What’s the weirdest place you’ve ever had asexual subdivision?
MICROBE:
Uh... in a hydrothermal vent
Woooah
PROBE:
What’s your body count?
MICROBE:
What's the body? Hang on – Sorry...
MICROBE:
Has culture on your planet become so degraded that this is your idea of first contact with an alien life form?
PROBE:
[quietly]
Help me out mate… We need this to play on socials.
PROBE:
So what’s your ideal partner’s methane production rate?
MICROBE
I'm going
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreiamid3y25joue5sdomwpahwxukxbn4n665t4w7lrgjpvdfsnkbi7u)
The social theatrics of Graham Norton's sofa is so fascinating, it makes you feel like a scientific researcher looking through the glass. Absolute genius telly 
If we're supposedly in the 'age of authenticity' or whatever then celebrity traitors is the perfect show for it. Seeing James Acaster turn from loveable ironic funnyman into haunted automaton cos he has to lie just makes me love him more
Reminded today of this all-timer from the early days of The Internet
I asked you your favourite biscuit and you said 'oh a hob nob' or 'digestive' or 'bourbon' and you thought it would make me think you authentic and real but you should have said 'the poshest ones I can find for the posh ones are the best' as that is the truth you hide and now I know you are a coward
Got a fine from a car park so egregious it is famous as Britain's Cuntiest Car Park and part of me feels a bit special for getting caught by the apex car park cunts. Got got by the best!
![1
[Title panel]: STREET DANCE with MARK ZUCKERBERG
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[Mark Zuckerberg doing a street dance tutorial. he is wearing his silly current street bling look, with the big thick Meta Glasses]
MARK:
Hi there. I'm Mark Zuckerberg.
3
Can you pivot?
4
Pivoting is the hot new street dance that allows you to be...
[Mark spins around, shouting “PIVOT!”]
5
[When he has spun round to face us he is now dressed in his original look - hoodie, jeans]
MARK:
…a 2000s tech bro…
[He spins around again, shouting “PIVOT!”]
6
Now he is dressed as he was at Trump’s inauguaration]
MARK:
A MAGA friendly fascism enabler…
[he spins again, shouting “PIVOT!”]
7
[He now looks like his weird big eyed METAVERSE AVATAR]
And whatever the fuck this was!
8
[Mark spins back to his original modern bling look, complete with glasses]
[And ASSISTANT appears stage right]
ASSISTANT:
Hey, uh, Mark?
9
ASSISTANT:
We looked at the response on socials and, uh…
Everyone in the UK is calling started calling your big glasses, uh…
"nonce goggles”.
MARK:
Oh no!
[He spins again, “PIVOT!”]
10
[Now he is wearing the new META MUSE CHARM around his neck instead of the glasses]
MARK:
Who wants a weird Tamagotchi thing?
ASSISTANT:
Mark please stop
[ Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreiearenxhcogs23oryk4wd7ed57ibo7cjwiflaoyayoaktgfin5f7y)
If there's one groups in society who NEED to stop using AI to make resources, slides, posters, it's teachers. You're literally showing your students that you used AI to do your own homework. You look like a moron. It's shameful. Do not do this.
![[A parody of MR ROGERS’ NEIGHBOURHOOD, in which the kindly Mr Rogers takes us to see local things in his town.]
1
[title]
MR ROGERS’ NEIGHBOURHOOD
MR ROGERS:
Hi there
2
Today, I’d like to take you to visit some of my neighbours…
[He puts his coat on to leave his house]
3
At a wonderful local event,
[We see the cute toy-town diorama of his village famous from the TV show. The camera pulls out…]
4
The Data Center protest.
[The camera has pulled out further and now we see a huge DATA CENTER at the edge of town].
5
MR ROGERS [joining a crowd protesting outside the Data Center]:
The Data Center is an enormous, windowless, endlessly humming building outside of our town
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…Which has tripled energy prices, drank all the water, and created four jobs.
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[to camera, as if kindly explaining to the viewing children]:
Four jobs! Golly!
8
LADY PROTESTOR [probably NAOMI KLEIN, holding a sign]:
In a way, the Data Center is kind of a vivid metaphor for a future we feel locked out of!
9
MR ROGERS [to camera again]:
A metaphor.
10
That’s something that lets us clarify our feelings about something else.
11
LADY PROTESTOR:
How do you feel, Mr Rogers?
MR ROGERS:
I feel like bringing down the government!
12
MR ROGERS [now holding a sign and protesting]:
It’s good to have neighbors.
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreibvefn2z5f2jip2gg3nzidjibzvmh7s3lnqjgjqt6usfzpxkjqbkm)
If you're in my GP's office any time soon, prepare yourself for what many are calling the greatest mnemonic of all time. Come for E and P, but sit down and clap for I.
Omg I'm crying with laughter Richard e grant and jerri hall are gold on this #celebritytraitors
If this scenario ends up being true it's going to be my second favourite story of the year after Chappell Roan's self-manifesting bodyguard
AndyInBrum@andyinbrum.bsky.social · 4w agoIt’s going to end up that they’re going to be a bunch of scotes who were going round nicking fertiliser and farm stuff and hadn’t realised how close to the air base they were
The worst part of being American is that they will never truly know the joy of Alan Partridge
Phil Lewis@phillewis.bsky.social · 4w agoHere’s The New York Times 100 Best TV Shows of the 21st Century: www.nytimes.com/interactive/...
In 1996 Mel B said 'your trumpet's blowing for far too long, climbing the snake of the ladder but you're wrong' and I think enough time has passed now to ask Mel what she meant by this
#TBT to this from 2012 in honour of Michael Gove starring as an invasion-battling leader in Sky's new show The Wargame. If you don't know what or who this comic is about... just count yourself lucky and scroll on, no worries.
![[Opening scene is WESTMINSTER, LONDON. Over Downing Street a huge ALIEN SPACECRAFT hovers, silent, still, filling the whole sky a la Independence Day].
[Cut to INSIDE 10 DOWNING STREET. The (then) prime Minister DAVID CAMERON is looking out of his office window at the ship.]
VOICE FROM OFF-SCENE, BEHIND CAMERON:
Prime Minister…
CAMERON [addressing the person behind him, still keeping his eyes fixed ahead in dread at the spaceship]:
Yes?
[We see the speaker is MICHAEL GOVE, then Education Secretary]:
GOVE:
Let me do it.
CAMERON:
For God's sake, Michael, you're the Education Secretary! You've never flown a fighter plane in your life!
GOVE:
But I know I could do it, David. I could fly a fighter plane into the big space- ship...
...and shoot all the aliens.
CAMERON:
But you have no military training!
GOVE:
David
I haven't told you this, but...
I used to be a journalist. For The Times.
[Cameron reacts, turning to look at Gove with awe and respect, as if only now truly seeing him for the first time].
GOVE:
I wrote two articles about planes, David.
I've got strong opinions about aliens.
I know I can do this job.
[Cut to a title card panel]:
AND SO:
[Then cut again to Cameron on the roof of Number 10, watching a Michael Gove pilot a fighter jet up towards the spacecraft, and then completely miss it, careering towards Earth, as Cameron buries his face in his hands].
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreictdw36myuavccr5oqqgsfb2jzkicnjrxhcexhned7ux7ws6oq5ny)
![1
Wide shot of the BRITISH MUSEUM. There are suggestions of fascism around the streets - tanks, barricades, an Orwellian 'Big Brother'-style poster on a wall. A voice of a TOUR GUIDE emanates from the museum:
TOUR GUIDE:
So the Tapestry tells acrucial chapter of our nation's history...
2
[Cut to interior of museum. A long Bayeaux-style TAPESTRY is on display, and the Tour Guide is speaking to a tour group]
TOUR GUIDE [smiling]:
How modern fascist Britain was created.
3
TOUR GUIDE:
The Tapestry begins here with the 2008 Crash, then austerity, then the AI Crash...
4
TOUR GUIDE:
...and by the end of the room it's just full-on fash.
5
CHILD IN TOUR GROUP [gesturing to the tapestry]:
What's this middle bit?
TOUR GUIDE:
This is the 2026 Battle of Legitimate Concerns
6
TOUR GUIDE:
[show a reporter standing next to the Dover protests]
Here's the media saying the government have got to do something about the legitimate concerns...
7
CHILD:
...About the failure of capitalism?
TOUR GUIDE:
No about brown people on boats
8
CHILD:
[pointing at boats crossing the sea on the tapestry]
Are these boats the mega-dinghies?
TOUR GUIDE:
Not all of them
9
[we see one of the boats is a giant yacht]
TOUR GUIDE:
That one's a superyacht,
carrying money from the American fascists to the British ones.
10
TOUR GUIDE:
You see really it's as much a story of convergence as it is of conflict.
[An alarm sounds in the museum]
DING DING DING DING
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TOUR GUIDE:
Ok, tour over everyone
12
TOUR GUIDE:
It's time for the Two Minute Hate!
[They all leave the museum]
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreiboinypoonvak2nkagipcfwm22lge4gldp2iscz3leiptjxg4e63u)
So we watched Big with the kids tonight, and I haven't seen it since I was their age, 10-12 - and god it's a different perspective... But my god what a MASTERPIECE
The media treating this story as some hilarious 'village that roared' nighy-dench-mirren movie is pissing me right the fuck off. It's soft-selling fascism. We have become an inward looking, xenophobic joke.
Jane@localnotail.bsky.social · last mo.Solidarity with this Piddington resident ♥️✊ #Newsnight
Why no bank holidays from now until Christmas? This is why.
![Scene is a Victorian drawing room; a group of gentlemen is assembled for a meeting. At the front of the room, stood at a large blackboard, is SIR JOHN LUBBOCK, the inventor of bank holidays. The board has a calendar drawn on it. Also in the room is a SMALL DOG sat on the floor.
1
LUBBOCK:
And so gentlemen, I, Sir John Lubbock, hereby announce
2
LUBBOCK:
The invention of ‘bank holidays’!
Legally protected days off work, for the whole nation to rest.
AUDIENCE:
CLAP CLAP CLAP
3
LUBBOCK (marking days on the calendar):
My first two bank holidays shall be at Easter...
and then another straight after in May...
4
LUBBOCK:
And then - what the hell - another one in May!
And then one in August!
AUDIENCE:
Hurrah!
5
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
So many, Sir John?
LUBBOCK (grabbing him by the lapel, his face ecstatic)
Life is for living, man!
6
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
And then in the Autumn, sir….?
7
[Lubbock looks sideways. He is distracted by the SMALL DOG. It has started scooting its bum across the floor]
8
LUBBOCK:
Ugh.
[his face has dropped, it's totally grossed him out]
9
LUBBOCK:
OK that'll do
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
What?
10
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Is that it? You’ve put loads in the summer…
LUBBOCK:
Yeah
no more bank holidays till Christmas.
11
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Sir - have you just condemned future generations to long winters of unalleviated toil... because you saw my dog scooting its arse and it killed your vibe?
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LUBBOCK:
It's so gross
AUDIENCE MEMBER:
Rollo can’t help it!
[dog continues to scoot across floor]
[Ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreiabf3hhw7b35mdikzkfjgdhadqnge5zvvyrdaeu5ql4t24rmbqbni)
![Cartoon by Stephen Collins for The Guardian. Script as follows:
[scene is Winston Churchill in a bbc studio, giving his 'finest hour' speech]
1
CHURCHILL:
The whole fury and might of the enemy must very soon be turned on us.
2
CHURCHILL:
Hitler knows that he will have to break us in this Island or lose the war.
3
CHURCHILL:
If we can stand up to him, all Europe may be free
and the life of the world may move forward into broad, sun-
BBC PRESENTER:
Thank you prime minister
4
BBC PRESENTER:
Mr hitler, your response?
5
HITLER [in the studio]:
Vell zis is hysterical woke nonsense as usual from mr Churchill
6
HITLER:
What we are proposing -
CHURCHILL:
Hang on
7
HITLER:
Let me finish - what we are proposing eez a simple power-sharing arrangement -
8
CHURCHILL:
What's he doing here
BBC PRESENTER:
It's important we hear both sides of the debate
9
CHURCHILL:
This isn't a debate
You don't debate fascists
10
HITLER:
Oh here we go with ze Godwins law!
11
HITLER:
Why must you people always compare ze things you don't like to 'fascists, Nazis, Hitler'...
CHURCHILL:
Because you are a fascist Nazi Hit-
12
HITLER [standing up, saluting]:
RAUSS!
BBC PRESENTER:
*Please* Mr Churchill let him speak
[ends]](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreibw4ldc3fhslbvxgy2oqrof2oys5kpgh7zu6a5f3usmx3lf4547qm)
Have seen this Nature piece about the effects of X's algorithm mentioned again and it bears repeating; exposure to a right wing algorithm makes you - measurably and predictably - more right wing, even after you stop using it. www.nature.com/articles/s41...
The political effects of X’s feed algorithm - Nature
Among users initially on a chronological feed, 7 weeks of exposure to X’s algorithmic feed in 2023 shifted political attitudes and account-following behaviour in a more conservative direction compared...
nature.com