Good morning Leg’ends. It’s Thursday. Sunny where I am, although there’s still a bit of cloud hanging around because the British sky regards a straightforward answer as suspiciously continental. satiricalplanet.substack.com/p/todays-pap...

Today’s Papers Rewired #339: Britain Has Put Morality Through the Card Reader

Football fans may get their pints back while benefit claimants get spending controls, The Times teaches.

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Good morning Leg’ends, Britain has woken up inside one of those forecasts that makes the concept of a national weather map feel slightly optimistic. satiricalplanet.substack.com/p/satirical-...

Satirical Planet News: Today’s Weather, Thursday 24 September 2026

The South Has Been Given 23°C. Scotland and Northern Ireland Have Been Asked to Sign for the Atlantic.

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Dear Baldmichael, You wrote this in a Substack thread: “Vaccines turn people queer which might explain some of your posts. Fauci poisoned the homosexual community with AZT. You are obviously happy about that. And you think people here are lunatics???” satiricalplanet.substack.com/p/baldmichae...

Baldmichael, Your Vaccine Queer Machine Has Misplaced Its Evidence

A reply to “vaccines turn people queer”, with the population curve asking where the proof went.

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Well Leg'ends, Some dates sit quietly in the calendar and mind their own business. 23 September has apparently been drinking. satiricalplanet.substack.com/p/23-septemb...

23 September: The Calendar’s Most Suspicious Filing Cabinet

John Paul Jones loses a ship, mathematics finds a planet, Nintendo starts making cards, NASA loses Mars over units, and John Coltrane turns 100. Apparently 23 September has no concept of moderation.

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Right fuck this. I have reported Danny Tommo’s YouTube video and I implore others to do the same. They are platforming a man who live streamed himself essentially committing a crime and he will be making money off of it as well. Please please report the video www.youtube.com/live/lkeZbk8...

Good morning Leg’ends, It’s Wednesday already. Halfway through the week. Where the bloody hell does the time go? Monday seems to have happened about twenty minutes ago. satiricalplanet.substack.com/p/todays-pap...

Today’s Papers Rewired #338: Burn to Be Mild While Britain Books a Lift to Space

Trump changes the weather over Chagos, Britain discovers orbital ambition, and Wednesday arrives sounding like somebody has left a brick inside the national washing machine.

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Good morning Leg’ends, Yesterday, Wednesday was approaching from the northwest carrying a bucket. This morning it appears to have put most of it down and left Aberdeen signing for the damage. satiricalplanet.substack.com/p/satirical-...

Satirical Planet News: Today’s Weather, Wednesday 23 September 2026

The Rain Has Mostly Clocked Off. Aberdeen Has Been Left With the Keys

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Nothing says “national sacrifice” quite like a lecture on the stiff upper lip delivered from a wingback chair beneath an oil painting. Apparently Britain’s problem is not crumbling infrastructure, hollowed-out public services or actual defence readiness, but that the peasants have developed feelings

Evening Leg’ends Some investigations arrive with a smoking gun. This one has arrived with Companies House records, US securities filings and enough administrative residue to make a Worcester accountancy practice quietly order another box of Yorkshire Tea. satiricalplanet.substack.com/p/hope-not-h...

HOPE Not Hate Names Futura Energy Founder Tom Watson In Big Time Charlie Investigation. SPN Still Wants The Receipt

Public records corroborate much of the biography. SPN has not independently established who controlled @shadowcanman.

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🔥 Fantastic work everyone! And if you’ve not sent one yet, here’s the link —> www.europeanmovement.co.uk/contact-mp-a...

Good afternoon Leg’ends, It’s Tuesday. I did have to check, which feels like a healthy indication that modern life is proceeding exactly as advertised. satiricalplanet.substack.com/p/todays-pap...

Today’s Papers Rewired #337: Good News, It’s a Different Fault

Britain wakes to discover that the reassuring bit is everything appears to be failing for completely different reasons.

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Good morning Leg’ends, Britain has been issued two different Septembers. The first has gone to southern England, where temperatures could reach 25°C to 26°C. satiricalplanet.substack.com/p/satirical-...

Satirical Planet News: Today’s Weather, Tuesday 22 September 2026

The South Has Been Given 26°C. Scotland Has Received Wednesday in a Bucket

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Evening Leg’end, The White House barred CNN. By Monday, one of the immediate consequences had arrived in the least presidential form imaginable: a hole in the rota. satiricalplanet.substack.com/p/trump-bars...

Trump Bars CNN. The Presidential TV Pool Leaves the Camera Slot Empty

The White House blocked CNN from its scheduled TV-pool turn. The other networks provided no replacement, leaving the camera slot empty.

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Good morning 🌅

We're almost certain she won't end up going to prison for taking Russian bribes or being arrested for assault and coercive behaviour, which will be a huge improvement on her predecessors.

#SpotTheScammer @reagananimalcare.bsky.social fake Ugandan animal rescue. Pics are scraped from the internet, e.g. www.youtube.com/shorts/QpgK_... See BBC news article (distressing content) www.bbc.co.uk/news/article...

please donate to help me feed my rescue babies #dogrescue #animalrescue #rescuedogs #donatenow

YouTube video by Robert's Puppies Paradise

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Well Leg’ends For too long corporations, some businesses, and government entities have acted as if they were solely accountable to their shareholders or paymasters rather than the public. satiricalplanet.substack.com/p/give-us-th...

Give Us The Lowdown On An Organisation You Want To Call Out.

Information submitted here is treated as unverified until reviewed. Please do not submit life-critical or highly sensitive confidential material through this form.

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Good afternoon Leg’ends, It’s Monday. Yay. I had a cuddle, Kat accepted the cuddle, then not long afterwards attempted to remove me from the household by appearing directly beneath my feet on the walk to the kitchen. satiricalplanet.substack.com/p/todays-pap...

Today’s Papers Rewired #336: Britain Wakes Up in Eleven Different Countries and Kemi Finds Herself in Hansard

Russia tests the nerves, Trump threatens countries, Big Tech keeps the AI invoice off the balance sheet, and the Daily Star deploys a pitch roller.

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Good morning Leg’ends, It is Monday 21 September 2026, and Britain has opened the curtains to discover that the weather has divided the country roughly along the traditional line between “quite nice actually” and “who left that grey thing there?” satiricalplanet.substack.com/p/satirical-...

Satirical Planet News: Today’s Weather, Monday 21 September 2026

The South Has Nicked September’s Thermostat. The North-West Has Been Left With the Damp Receipt

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Well Leg’ends, Sir Jim Ratcliffe says Britain is being “colonised”, which is a fascinating choice of words from a man whose relationship with this country is basically, “Love the brand, hate the bill.” satiricalplanet.substack.com/p/colonised-...

Colonised, Apparently: How Britain’s Loudest Wallets Keep Blaming Everyone Else

Ratcliffe waves “nine million on benefits” like a pitchfork, Farage brings a dictionary as backup, and the real extraction carries on upstairs, unbothered.

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September morning light cuts between the stones, finds the space where two painted ladies have opened their wings basking in the warmth.

Good morning Leg’ends, It’s Sunday. A little cloudy where we are, with the sun occasionally poking through like it remembered an appointment and now regrets getting involved. satiricalplanet.substack.com/p/todays-pap...

Today’s Papers Rewired #335: Britain Wakes Up and Forgets Yesterday

The Sunday front pages are shouting again, so we moved the papers around and checked what they left underneath

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Good morning Leg’ends, It is Sunday 20 September 2026, and Britain has woken up to the strange discovery that the atmosphere can cross these islands without immediately trying to dismantle a shed. satiricalplanet.substack.com/p/satirical-...

Satirical Planet News: Today’s Weather, Sunday 20 September 2026

Britain Has Found the Dry Setting. Scotland Is Still Finishing the Previous Shift

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Evening dearest Leg’ends, Years before Ben Delo announced a record £36 million donation to Reform UK, he reportedly lent Nina Power about £350,000 to help finance a libel action against Luke Turner. satiricalplanet.substack.com/p/ben-delos-...

Ben Delo’s £350,000 Loan to Nina Power: The Receipts Are Weird Enough Without the Bullshit

Evening dearest Leg’ends,

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Good morning Leg’ends, It’s Friday. WOOHOO. And the papers are, frankly, a bit fucking nothingy. Not empty exactly. They contain ink, photographs and sufficient processed tree to furnish a respectable garden centre. satiricalplanet.substack.com/p/todays-pap...

Today’s Papers Rewired #334: Britain Pays Interest on the Nonsense

Royal ghosts, mortgage pain, crocodile rowing and a national attention span held together with bad puns and sticky tape.

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Good morning Leg’ends, It is Friday 18 September 2026, and Britain has woken up with an Atlantic weather front moving west to east across the country like a damp bloke in a hi-vis jacket who has been told to keep going until he reaches the North Sea. - satiricalplanet.substack.com/p/satirical-...

Satirical Planet News: Today’s Weather, Friday 18 September 2026

The Atlantic Has Clocked In. The Southeast Is Pretending Not to Notice

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#SpotTheSCammer #SpotTheBot @19790212.bsky.social typical bot bio: "I enjoy traveling, scuba diving, kayaking, camping, baseball, field hockey, shooting, skiing and reading" Comments on pics of cats/dogs.

Evening Leg’ends, In November 1979, screens inside the American military command system began reporting what appeared to be a Soviet nuclear attack. Strategic bombers were prepared and command posts alerted. satiricalplanet.substack.com/p/the-closed...

The Closed Board

WarGames, Threat Substitution and the Politics of Elite Insulation

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Good afternoon Leg’ends, I hope life has been treating you reasonably well, or has at least had the decency not to commission a memoir about you and then flog the explosive bits to the Daily Mail before you have finished your tea. - satiricalplanet.substack.com/p/todays-pap...

Today’s Papers Rewired #333: Recollections May Vary. The Invoice Never Does.

A Thursday ramble through the national rack, where memory is disputed and the small print keeps turning up with the bill.

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Ian Eagleton’s wonderful picture book “Nen and the Lonely Fisherman” is a lovely story of hope and love, stunningly illustrated by Kames Mayhew. An utter delight.