I can replay the twitter hits on here for 6 likes, life is amazing

You don't even realize that I've killed you, that's how killed you are. That's how I've killed you you are

I think I am being feasted upon by the invisible

getting hit by a city bus probably feels like receiving a warm hug from a friend

It’s all about dying from preventable causes

[whistling nonchalantly, looks down at the blade sticking out of my stomach] oh right, I’ve been run through

it’s all about listening to your body, the immense pain in the area surrounding my left eye is my body’s way of telling me that my eye is bad and needs to be removed immediately

Posting is like showing a little shoulder and batting your eyes, letting out a "yoo-hoo" and dropping your handkerchief

My career as a slippery Wild West outlaw was tragically cut short after being shot to death by every sheriff from every county all at once

Asking a bug to explain itself then laughing while it struggles to produce a single word

Tossing a quarter to a squirrel, finger guns at a stray cat, putting my jacket over a puddle for a rat, dapping up a cockroach

hey bro you left your intoxicatingly sweet scent at my apartment.. and it's fading...

The bus driver is making me ride up front with him, something about wanting "to savor every moment of our time together".. he's talking about how he can go fast if he wants to but isn't afraid to take it slow

My homunculus was killed during his Uber Eats shift. [looks over at a holstered gun lying on a table and sighs] the one day he forgets his service weapon..

People keep trying to kidnap my homunculus when he delivers their Uber Eats orders. They try to lure him inside, offering candy or power. Poor little guy, he’s quite shaken, he didn’t know the world was this malicious

I am bursting at the seams with gray paste

If I was sucked into a jet engine they wouldn’t turn around and land for maintenance, they would just keep going. The pilots would say “wow we must have hit a fly or something extremely small and insignificant” The flight attendants would pass out refreshments

I keep an alien frozen in my garage freezer and thaw him out when guests come over so we can play the game "catch the alien before he tells his alien superiors to blow up the planet"

felt wrong to copy and paste my tweets here... these are two different accounts, two different people

[Congressional hearing] What does it mean to post? (Leaning down to speak into the mic) To post is to dream. That is my belief. [An aide holds up a tweet printed on cardboard] And how often to you dream of "getting sucked off by the great beyond?" (Sweating) Um... Well... That's out of context...

I don't think I'm dying but I've been wrong before

she left me for a 55 gallon steel drum of gasoline. a damn 55 gallon steel drum of gasoline, hoss.

giving you my diseased heart as an act of biological terrorism

me: why I oughta… [looks down, dejected] …stand up for myself. one day. maybe tomorrow my wife: [finishing up strapping me to a giant rocket] You’re going to go sooo high 😃

I have my own doomsday clock but I’m not telling anyone what time it is

[seeing two mutuals I don’t know flirt on the timeline] let me get in on this

[holds a lantern up to your face and recoils in disgust] oh what the hell, fuck that [hands you your ID back] yeah we can’t let you into the alehouse. *snickering* try the stables the loaded crossbow hidden beneath your cloak: