accidentally heard sweet home alabama today. personally id kill myself if a song about my hometown became the go to wisecrack whenever someone brings up incest

idk why I can't find a musician who'll sing in my house 24/7 for the right price. can I not have a personal wise cloaked oracle singing odes of my glory while I sit by the fire. and can I not keep it authentic by blinding them and making them a eunuch with my own bare unwashed hands

every human being should have a self destruct button you can press by accident. you hug your wife wrong and heard a click and didnt realize until she Imploded in front of you hard and fast

checks out since I'm never on this site

yaoi gagarin@mel.bzky.team · 3d ago

how come there are ZERO hot women on this site???

if you want to know what the average moviegoing experience is like now try turning on your ohone at full brightness in a packed theater and watch how no one says a fucking thing and then you can scroll tiktok like the soiled pig in human clothing you are

perverted big sister that takes care of you everyday as a loving domestic girlfriend would, making sure you're always happy and supported but she kinda spaces out and starts absentmindedly groping u all the time,,,

the giving tree sucked my penis from beginning to end in the park two weeks ago and she REALLY lives up to her name. gave the sappiest slob job you've ever seen. foreskin sticked so shut can't even pee anymore they have to drain it out the side.

I dont desire srs but I would take srs which is sexual randomization surgery and you wake up with a mario kart power up box where your junk used to be and it could be anything inside. penis, blue shell, vagina, anything

ALRIGHT SO I LOST MY PASSWORD HERE FOR A COUPLE WEEKS SO SUE ME WHY DONTCHA IN FACT YEAH YEAB WHY DON'T YOU SLAP ME HUH YEAH YEAH GO AHEAD GO AHEAD AND *grabs your limp little faggy wrists* SLAP ME LIKE YOU WANNA HUH HUH IN FACT YOU LOOK LIKE YOU WANNA KISS ME HUH oh you don't well that's fine nw

turn every usps truck into a food truck and have them slip an italian on toasted herbs and garlic with extra mozzarella, arugula, banana peppers, and balsamic vinegar in my mailbox alongside whatever explosive they want to punish me with for stiffing their tip

Real haters don't leap. They wait and watch. They know the true reasons for hating will be Revealed

reminder that your local puppygirls love the sound of loud bright fireworks so you should be honoring their wishes by lighting bottle rockets duct taped to their butthole

This dude is dusted to the eyeballs. He's not scoping shit out he's high as a kite and wondering how long until he can go back to the can for another bump. Gnashing his teeth like James Brown lol

Jane@jane.meangirls.online · last mo.

r/FirstResponderCringe is really good

in honor of today name your favorite "america fucking SUCKS dude" movie

I havent been invited to a single group chat against my will im going to light a fistful of firecrackers in my mouth now

I want a private ambulance service that gives you the experience of ODing in the back of a 1980s cab complete with pre torn seats, hidden speakers pumping the sound of an always in the distance police siren, and they drop you off at the hospital by pushing you out the door and not stopping

im genuinely ashamed I came up with dario estrogento and used it on the other app. I fucked up. plain and simple

it's not even funny how dumb everything is now. every bit of news laying on the current unsubtle metaphor for everything now feels like choking on toxic black fumes from a burning car full of ass

Lindsay Beyerstein@beyerstein.bsky.social · last mo.

MAGA streamer arrested at Trump's state fair...for masturbating in front of female acrobats while dressed as Uncle Sam.

Im being completely serious when I say nothing would do more for the community than a trans Snooki

you're telling me a shrimp conditioned this air

its never too late. send him to vietnam right now with a gun that shoots out a big flag and says "BANG" on it and its really sharp too so itll pierce the skull if he tries to take the easy way out on the plane tarmac

Vulture@vulture.com · last mo.

Kelsey Grammer says he has ‘wrestled’ with the idea of running for political office. He regrets not fighting in Vietnam, and sees politics as a way to give back.

if no one is there to support me at least I know lesbian lightning from the prada 2012 men's spring/summer collection got me

*doing my best philip seymour hoffman impression* get back in the cow suit now please

beetle moses@beetlemoses.bsky.social · last mo.

they open a real life the bear from 'The Bear' as a pop up restaurant experience in chicago and charge $30 for a dry beef and peppers and everything and everyone on that location is wiped from existence before end of day

*forgetting how to say "hup too hup too hup too hup too" while im on a run* HAWK TUAH HAWK TUAH HAWK TUAH HAWK TUAH HAWK TUAH HAWK TUAH HAWK TUAH

I wouldn't kiss a girl from bluesky but I would let one brand me with a hot fork

miss fern 🏳️‍⚧️😘@miss-fern.bsky.social · last mo.

my advice for the day is to kiss that girl from bluesky who looks kinda like you

juxtaposition yeah id want her juicy ass position

spoken word syrupy foot job

FNAF is ontologically evil because it's so hyper-tuned for neurodivergent children to fixate on instead of healthy things like tertiary dragon ball characters, video quality, sora and riku kissing, color balancing and sonic the hedgehog

can I top u while wearing the tubi harness 🥺 👉👈