Jack
@jackloftus.bsky.social
Writer, fledgling cartoonist, relatively fun | jackloftus.com | https://www.mcsweeneys.net/authors/jack-loftus
Unhinged and brilliantly funny.
McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net · 14h ago“Hey, Meat,” I say. The glasses start to slide down my nose. Not because of the soft hamburger patty they’re made of, which is quite comfortable, but because I’m sweating profusely. “What are some gift ideas for my mother?” www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/all...
Grateful to see my piece become a regular part of the bluesky rotation this week.
McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net · last wk."Before you blame Taylor Farms for whatever is presently rocketing through your alimentary canal, consider the possibility that human digestion is complicated and causation is difficult to establish." buff.ly/dep4B7Z
Writing this one was a big job, for sure, but someone had to do it.
McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net · 2w ago"Today, everyone sees the name Taylor Farms and suddenly becomes the Hercule Poirot of the commode. You had our guacamole at noon. You experienced what you describe as a bowel emergency of unprecedented violence at 12:07. Case closed, you say."
"How do I like a profile? Please highlight what you like and add a query."
FAQ About “Conjunctions,” Our Dating App for Copy Editors
How do I like a profile? Please highlight what you like and add a query.
mcsweeneys.net
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/ign...
Ignorance Isn’t the Absence of Knowledge; It Is the Presence of Maximum Comfort
“Is this willful blindness dressed as philosophy? Perhaps. But isn’t willful blindness, at scale, the churning engine of unbridled optimism?”
mcsweeneys.net
Christopher Monks@crmonks.bsky.social · 3w agoThe NYTimes + The Odyssey + Ezra Klein + “Judeo-Christian” = JFC
I'm convinced that "hell" for satirists is forever existing in a world where the line between what we write and what we live simply disappears.
McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net · 4w ago"By the end of the year, we aim to have 200% more dipshits writing columns for us. As long as you are a Ben Shapiro knockoff who can string together the words 'the intolerant left' and occasionally criticize Trump, you have a home here on our opinion pages."
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/aaa... A favorite of mine from @mcsweeneys.net
“AAAGGGHHH!!!” A Memo from Animal, Your New Editor-in-Chief
“WE MAKE NEWS LOUDER. IF STORY GOOD ON ONE SIDE, SHOW OTHER SIDE TOO. OTHER SIDE WRONG? OTHER SIDE WANT BLEACH IN VEINS? ANIMAL RUN BOTH. REPORT BOTH SIDES. ...
mcsweeneys.net
Oliver Darcy@oliverdarcy.bsky.social · 4w agoScoop: I’m told that Ross Douthat is exiting The NYT and is expected to take a role at “60 Minutes.” News expected to be announced soon.
Modern warfare is full of consequences that continue to exist even after the president says they do not. Fortunately, the Pentagon has begun replacing outdated military doctrine with a simpler system that should feel familiar to anyone who has ever lost an argument near a swing set. buff.ly/bf8t2xx
“Nuh-Uh,” “Not It,” and Other New Pentagon Strategies for Winning at War
“Modern warfare is full of consequences that continue to exist even after the president says they do not. Fortunately, the Pentagon has begun replacing outda...
mcsweeneys.net
"They enjoy displaying their skill even if little is actually accomplished and it takes longer than necessary."
Rationale for War with Iran or Reason Men Back Into Parking Spaces?
“They enjoy displaying their skill even if little is actually accomplished and it takes longer than necessary.”
buff.ly
As someone with one more McSweeney's column bucket list item to go (Reviews of New Food! It escapes me still), this piece today leaves me with the knowledge I have a lot of work to do to clear the bar. Great stuff www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/ald...
Reviews of New Food: Aldi Crystal Clear Frozen Ice Cubes
“This box looks utilitarian. The font doesn’t make me feel like I belong to a country club or drive a luxury SUV. There’s no mention of whiskey (or whisky). ...
mcsweeneys.net
www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/ern... For the big man's birthday today (and a certain week next week!) @mcsweeneys.net
Ernest Hemingway’s Shark Week
“A man sits in a boat. He is not old. He is not young. He has not paid taxes in thirteen years. The bait is old. The stench hangs like a debt. He lowers the ...
mcsweeneys.net
Dusting off this @mcsweeneys.net piece of mine for no particular reason at all www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/ins... #elections
Instead of Losing Democratic Elections, What If We Just Stopped Having Them Altogether?
“For decades, America has been trapped in an outdated framework called ‘democracy,’ wherein candidates campaign for votes, the ballots are counted, and whoev...
mcsweeneys.net
Aeolus gives me a leather sack full of wind, and my guys open it because they think it’s a Market Basket bag full of Munchkins.
Why Shouldn’t Odysseus Be from Southie?
Aeolus gives me a leather sack full of wind, and my guys open it because they think it’s a Market Basket bag full of Munchkins.
pointsincase.com
I'm branching out! Some very near and dear humor writing from me about this big new movie coming out this week up at @pointsincase.com ! #boston #theodyssey www.pointsincase.com/articles/why...
Why Shouldn’t Odysseus Be from Southie?
Aeolus gives me a leather sack full of wind, and my guys open it because they think it’s a Market Basket bag full of Munchkins.
pointsincase.com
As is the case with much modern satire, including my own, it is becoming more and more difficult to determine what is humor and what is actually happening.
McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net · last mo."Whatever you think being a member of this club entails, I strongly believe I wouldn’t be disguising bear traps with leaves and setting up a speaker that plays the sound of a distressed woman begging for help if we had politicians in office who uplifted those less fortunate."
Feel like I might have to dust this one off after every Court session for the foreseeable future.
McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net · 2mo ago"Every serious legal mind must inevitably face a fundamental choice: Read the Constitution and apply its words as the bedrock laws of the land, or transcend its tired text and interpret the super-secret invisible version that tells you exactly what you want to hear."
I'm working through a few more feelings today at @mcsweeneys.net
McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net · 2mo ago"Every serious legal mind must inevitably face a fundamental choice: Read the Constitution and apply its words as the bedrock laws of the land, or transcend its tired text and interpret the super-secret invisible version that tells you exactly what you want to hear."
"You were there because ducks go where the water is. This is one of the nicer things about ducks. You have a practical theology. If there is water, enter it. If there is bread, inhale it. If there are small ducklings nearby, arrange yourself into a vigilant flotilla and continue."
An Open Letter to the Dead Duck Seen Floating In the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool
“You did not paddle through the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool to participate in a national metaphor. To you, this was not a site of national remembrance, ...
buff.ly
Sure feels like Supergirl's real superpower is compelling misogynists to unwittingly expose themselves for all the world to see and laugh at online. #supergirl
Tough, but necessary, because I do love the ducks. Another one up at @mcsweeneys.net today
McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net · 2mo ago"You did not paddle through the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool to participate in a national metaphor. To you, this was not a site of national remembrance, civic pilgrimage, or the weigh-in for a nationally televised cage match bloodsport. It was simply water."
Fantastic and opened my eyes to a new band. What a win.
McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net · 2mo ago"It can be an overwhelming experience when the external sound processor is first turned on. It's a lot for her brain to acclimate to. That's why I'm going to start off with 'Fabienk,' which is kind of a good gateway song if you’re just getting into these guys."
We are so, so close www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-s...
I, Sisyphus, Am Ninety-Five Percent of the Way There
“The remaining 5 percent concerns only the final portion of the hill, the tendency of the boulder to inevitably roll back down to the very beginning, the ete...
mcsweeneys.net
McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net · 2mo agoStep Thirteen: Extend ceasefire shortly before expiration, citing productive talks. If the enemy points out that there haven’t actually been any productive talks, double down. You must make it clear that you do not bow down to truth.
We are almost there www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/i-s...
I, Sisyphus, Am Ninety-Five Percent of the Way There
“The remaining 5 percent concerns only the final portion of the hill, the tendency of the boulder to inevitably roll back down to the very beginning, the ete...
mcsweeneys.net
Kevin M. Kruse@kevinmkruse.bsky.social · 2mo agoNever mind that Vance got conned, the fact that the vice president saying he heard second-hand from the president's son-in-law and the president's real estate buddy that the strait was open is humiliating on its own.
Word is they sternly told the stone to no longer roll down the hill and that this was the approach that finally worked! Definitely a fun one to write and see enjoyed (bittersweetly?) in the world. Onward and upward!
McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net · 3mo ago"The remaining 5 percent concerns only the final portion of the hill, the tendency of the boulder to inevitably roll back down to the very beginning, the eternal nature of my punishment, and the fact that Hades has not technically agreed to alter any terms."
Cathartic to write. Pelley is one of my favorites.
McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net · 3mo ago"NEW EXECUTIVE PRODUCER IS FOZZIE BEAR. FOZZIE ASKS TOUGH QUESTIONS LIKE, 'Why did the chicken cross the road?' AND THEN, WHEN SUBJECT REFUSED TO ANSWER, FOZZIE SAY, 'Wocka wocka,' WHICH IS INDUSTRY TERM FOR ACCOUNTABILITY."
Every American should watch this interview between two very well respected journalists. And after you watch it, you tell me with a straight face that what’s happening in the U.S. isn’t frightening. youtu.be/ePqdmbgQ4BI?...
Scott Pelley on His Firing and the ‘Massacre’ at ‘60 Minutes’ | The Interview
YouTube video by The Interview
youtu.be
Selfishly, could one of those ones I have to dust off repeatedly and incessantly, until the end of time.
McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net · 3mo ago"I am told by several lesser gods that the boulder understands the seriousness of the moment, though I will grant that the stone has not said this to me directly."