Jill Twiss
@jilltwiss.bsky.social
Comedy writer. "Have I Got News For You", "Last Week Tonight", "The Amber Ruffin Show." Author of "A Day in the Life of Marlon Bundo" and "The Someone New." Friend to several penguins.
Say what you will, “The moon has clearly seen better days” is a perfect sentence
Aaron Rupar@atrupar.com · 3h agoNASA Administrator Jared Isaacman on rockets crashing into the moon: "It's not a big deal right now. The moon has clearly seen better days."
yes it's a good thing we solved those problems
The New York Times@nytimes.com · 20h agoBreaking News: The S&P 500 hit a record high, as investors’ worries about A.I. and Iran began to ease.
I feel like Ted Lasso was a collective pandemic delusion and cannot and should not live in the time of now
"I could have a bowel movement behind a sheet at a dinner party" -- WELL DO NOT DO THAT YOU ABSOLUTE WEIRDO
Ben Collins@bencollins.bsky.social · 20h agoOh my god the dietician who is telling everyone in the White House to only eat steak and sauerkraut doesn't wipe his ass.
this is objectively correct but i have never disagreed with anything more
Adam Serwer@adamserwer.bsky.social · yesterdayAs a writer I try to remember that the fact that something annoys me personally does not necessarily make that thing important enough to write about
Panera must be so pissed that they had to get rid of the death lemonade before deadly food became trendy
Sometimes you eavesdrop on a phrase that is an entire novel waiting to happen, and today that sentence was, "and then he fell asleep in a port-a-potty north of Bloomfeld"
Living in NYC is insane. I have friends my age talking about remodeling their kitchens. Meanwhile, I sleep on a mattress that someone left in my room three apartments ago, because I don't want to learn how we throw away mattresses here
i guess me because i would enjoy several million dollars
Don Moynihan@donmoyn.bsky.social · 6d agoIf not Matt Damon, who is you alternative Odysseus?
one reason i cannot have a dog is because i would give him treats every time he asked and that's all treats all day
One thing I think might help rich people is to stop calling it their "pied-a-terre". It sounds too fancy. Go with "My house's understudy"
Ok this sounded like Mamdani has a pied-a-terre and he's forcing this random person's mother to pay taxes on it. Now that I realize it is not that, i am fine with it
Vince Mancini@vincemancini.bsky.social · 7d agoOh no, not your mom’s pied-a-terre!!!!!!!
Hardest thing I’ve ever done was not buying this “In My Chicken Mom Era” sweatshirt
I just want the nation to know that the two frontrunners for the Republican nomination were named Rhoden and Doeden and i've been yelling "IT'S RHODEN V. DOEDEN" for two straight weeks
The New York Times@nytimes.com · last wk.Gov. Larry Rhoden of South Dakota beat back a primary challenge and clinched the Republican nomination for a full term.
I am going to make the entire first class cabin act out my screenplay
Hemant Mehta@friendlyatheist.com · last wk.Evangelist Whitney Lynn says she preaches on planes because she loves “a captive audience.” She's not alone. It's becoming a trend. If spreading your message requires listeners who can't escape, maybe it's not as compelling as you think. www.friendlyatheist.com/p/christian-...
i guess they have found a way to make 60 minutes feel longer than an hour
The New York Times@nytimes.com · last wk.Breaking News: Ross Douthat, The New York Times opinion columnist, is joining CBS News’s “60 Minutes” in one of the first major hires since Bari Weiss’s takeover.
I need to have the fan blowing directly on me at night. I just sleep better knowing I look like some kind of narcoleptic Beyoncé.
Honestly I love that everyone's furious about The Odyssey. I want to have fights about the Cotton Gin and whether Thelma really has the vapors. This feels like one step closer to everyone reading and being less dumb and I will take it
"the seashell threats against him"
CNN@cnn.com · last wk.Attorneys for former FBI Director James Comey asked a federal judge to dismiss the seashell threats case against him, which is set to go to trial in October, arguing that there was no actual threat against President Donald Trump in the now year-old post. https://cnn.it/4bA8Sar
Someone introduced me last night as: "This is Jill Twiss. She's how I keep up on animals."
Please explain it to me like I’m a little teapot.
I feel like we all need something tiny to fight about, so here's what I got: I think if Girl Scout cookies were sold by, like, Nabisco, we would all admit they are pretty mediocre cookies
many things are not good, but i am delighted to live in the era of Pretzel Buns
