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Jonathan Zeller

@jonjzeller.bsky.social

I edit, write, and tell jokes. jonzeller.com

6 Posts27 Follower2 Folgt
McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net · 2w ago

"Just as Jay Gatsby is an enigmatic larger-than-life figure driven to accumulate wealth at all costs in a futile bid for the love of Daisy Buchanan, the Xerox 914 beats on ceaselessly, printing page after page, for reasons that readers cannot fully comprehend." buff.ly/mcVs4Xj

Book Review: The Great Gatsby by the Xerox 914 Photocopier

“Just as Jay Gatsby is an enigmatic larger-than-life figure driven to accumulate wealth at all costs in a futile bid for the love of Daisy Buchanan, the Xero...

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McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net · last mo.

"Mondo Mayo’s proprietary metrics indicate that family life can be performed remotely with greater efficiency and manager satisfaction. The Mondo Machine, rented at an affordable rate, sits in your home when you cannot be there, feeding pellets to your child, and they bond." buff.ly/RbEQoJg

Why We Must Return to the Office to Use AI in Person

“I didn’t think a full, six-day-per-week, fourteen-hour-per-day, in-office schedule was necessary to discharge my duties clicking the ‘generate’ button, foll...

mcsweeneys.net

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net · last mo.

"I am an Associate Slop Doula for Mondo Mayo, founded as a mayonnaise company, which now sells consumer packaged goods, software as a service, and surveillance technology, and is one of three large corporations remaining on Earth." buff.ly/RbEQoJg

Why We Must Return to the Office to Use AI in Person

“I didn’t think a full, six-day-per-week, fourteen-hour-per-day, in-office schedule was necessary to discharge my duties clicking the ‘generate’ button, foll...

mcsweeneys.net

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net · last mo.

"I didn't think a full, 6-day-per-week, 14-hour-per-day, in-office schedule was necessary to discharge my duties clicking the 'generate' button, followed by the 'approve' button, thousands of times a day on SlurryHose. But experience has shown me that I was wrong." buff.ly/RbEQoJg

Why We Must Return to the Office to Use AI in Person

“I didn’t think a full, six-day-per-week, fourteen-hour-per-day, in-office schedule was necessary to discharge my duties clicking the ‘generate’ button, foll...

mcsweeneys.net

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net · 8mo ago

"Veterans of whole-cake-eating-top-down-off-a-cake-stand-in-one-sitting will tell you that, no matter how responsibly you plan to make this the healthiest it can be, stuff happens."

Cake Scientists Say This Is the Healthiest Way to Eat an Entire Cake Off a Cake Stand, Top Down, in One Sitting (Sponsored by the Remaindered Cake Association)

Take your time. You have to eat the whole cake, but you don’t have to eat it all in thirty seconds. A sitting can take as long as you need. Pacing...

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McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net · 9mo ago

"It’s best to embark on eating an entire cake off a cake stand after many years of a diet high in whole fruits and vegetables, along with at least thirty minutes of exercise five times per week. That way, your body is more likely to be able to take the impact of the cake."

Cake Scientists Say This Is the Healthiest Way to Eat an Entire Cake Off a Cake Stand, Top Down, in One Sitting (Sponsored by the Remaindered Cake Association)

Take your time. You have to eat the whole cake, but you don’t have to eat it all in thirty seconds. A sitting can take as long as you need. Pacing...

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McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net · 2y ago

"Investors must act fast; this is the most exciting get-rich-quick opportunity since Bitcoin started accepting Bitcoin in transactions for Bitcoin. Without writers, editors, photographers, and photo editors, our company will incur almost no expenses when putting out Total Crap."

Introducing Total Crap, the First Magazine Written Entirely by AI

Amid doomsaying pronouncements that the publishing industry is dead, we are proud to bring the written word into the future with revolutionary tech...

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McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net · 2y ago

"This is an achievement that took Fitzgerald himself around two stressful years—and the faster writing time offers proof that the Xerox 914, via its use of electricity, bright light, and powdered toner, has exceeded the creative powers of the human mind."

Book Review: The Great Gatsby by the Xerox 914 Photocopier

Amid the rise of artificial intelligence, technophobes and Luddites have continued to insist that machines “can’t really write”—at least not the wa...

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McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net · 2y ago

"Getting too into counting every almond is asking for trouble. As long as I’m pretty certain it’s ten or fewer, I’m not going to fixate on the quantity. This seems like maybe ten-and-a-half almonds in my palm right now, so I’ll toss two back into the bag to make sure."

I Just Found Out That the Serving Size Is Ten Almonds, But I’ll Eat as Many as I Want

I was about to grab a handful of almonds as a snack when you told me to proceed with caution, because the serving size is ten almonds. But I won’t ...

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