Being autistic, in therapy, studying psychology and reading a paper on emotional regulation be like: 'Do neurotypical people really regulate their emotions without knowing all this? 😳😳'

me: Would you look at that? A light Friday schedule - it's going to be a nice, gentle and productive day! a seemingly small disturbance: happens mind: flooded with emotions seismic changes in my life: triggered new trajectory: entered me: ...did I even blink?

a close up of a man 's face with blue eyes and a beard

ALT: a close up of a man 's face with blue eyes and a beard

media.tenor.com

This will always bring me to tears.

I've grown used to dreaming of my sister. Those meetings are always peaceful. Last night, with her death anniversary around the corner, I dreamt of my grandparents. It felt like a hotline to the deathworld. They lived in a quiet, faraway house - and somehow that image puts my mind at ease.

After replying to a message I left unanswered for a few days: "Phew, they don't hate me. I'm back on track." Spoiler: I'm not. Never have been. There are still a dozen more unanswered messages - anywhere from three days to months old. Maybe I'm just built for 2-3 friends and I've hit the limit? 🥲

❌ "We're meeting on Friday, I'm free from 5." ✅ "We're meeting Friday, in front of my house. I'll be there at 5:20." ❌ "I'd love to talk, but I'm busy.” ✅ "I don't feel like talking - I prefer texting." ❌ "It's okay." OR (silence) ✅ "I'm upset. I need some time off, I'll get back to you."

I'm not saying the coolest thing about being hired by your partner is getting a say in your job title, but… no, wait, that *is* actually the coolest thing 😎 AI + Psych Insight Architect 😎

My therapist is a box of chocolates.

I have two modes: 1. Overthink everything and don’t act 2. Act impulsively and don’t think

Why is the swimming pool entrance fee system so weird? 😵‍💫 You pay upfront for a full hour, but that includes time to: leave your coat and shoes, find the right locker room, change, shower… then you can swim. Afterwards, you reverse the whole process. It's never exactly 60 minutes, so...

You know what would be cool? If someone said: 'Look, Piotr, you're great at spotting when we break rules, make dumb decisions or work inefficiently. Can you be in charge of making sure we're not dishonest or just plain wrong? Oh, and we promise not to hate you for the negative feedback, either!'

I don't think I'll ever fit in. I never have. In any hierarchical institution, I react intensely to injustice, negligence, broken procedures, arbitrariness. I've never stayed anywhere too long. When a powerful emotion surges, I have to uncork what I can't contain.

After yet another injustice at my uni, something snapped. I wrote a public review listing all my grievances — including serious breaches, like a lecturer giving us the answer key during the final exam. Will I get expelled? Leave voluntarily? Tone the review down? Your guess is as good as mine.

Okay, do you ever channel someone else — a real person, an actor, a fictional character — when you need to feel confident in real life? I sometimes do. Is it an #autistic thing or just a Piotr thing? It's like I have so little self-confidence at times that I need to borrow it from someone else.

Many online courses feel dumbed down. The "lecturer" apologises if a video's over 10 mins, says: "You don't need to understand this." Some uni courses are the same: you can pass without really learning 😏 I'm taking a harder, more satisfying path: "Do I get this?" "Can I explain it?" "Can I use it?"

🧊 ¿Tú también tienes una nevera mental donde dejas cosas para "más tarde"… y se te olvidan? Las mías no se me olvidan. Se convierten en mamuts congelados, mirándome con juicio desde sus bloques de hielo. Y yo no puedo hacer nada. Están congelados. Yo, paralizado. #adhd #tdah

Hey, Bluesky friends! What are you up to these days? 🤔 Here's my summer so far: - learning to swim (finally, with a trainer!) - loving my Wednesday morning TBC class - doing a Machine Learning course - reading up on motivation (my fav psych topic! 🤓) - still teaching English & Spanish

"Not one would mind, neither bird nor tree, If mankind perished utterly; And Spring herself, when she woke at dawn, Would scarcely know that we were gone." Read it 20 years ago at school - felt nothing. Read it today and I'm having an existential crisis. 105 years later, we've learnt nothing.

my therapist: you can always refuse when people ask you for something. no need to justify it. me: okay a month later him: tomorrow we're meeting online me: no him: sorry, but we have to me: nope, nuh-uh him: but I'm not asking me: 🎶 nah, to the ah, to the no, no, no 🎶

humans: AI taking over? oh no, that would be the end of humanity. also humans: waging wars, killing each other, inciting hatred, lying through their teeth. no, please enlighten me: what's so great about humanity, for the world or for itself, that's so worth protecting from AI? I'll wait.

My therapist, casually: By the way, Nonviolent Communication is actually pretty violent. Me: 😳 You can't just say that and leave! What a cliffhanger. He really knows how to end an episode of "This Therapist Is About to Turn Your Life Upside Down."

The world doesn't bend to our wishes. People don't obey our will. Even our bodies resist: energy dips, old habits return. Radical acceptance: things happen, people are people. Act accordingly. Don't linger in I-wish land.

someone: funny how some psych students seem to have picked their major just to fix their own issues, huh? me: yeah, I mean… could be 🤷 some time later me: what if we did our group project on dealing with emotional discomfort? also me: I have *major* problems with that

My mum: Oh, Piotruś, I love these natural soaps, thank you! They smell beautiful, what a lovely set! Me: 🥰 My mum: It would be a shame to actually use them, wouldn't it? I'll hide them somewhere. I'm never going to use them 🥰 Me: 🥺 Not surprised at all. I'm my mother's son 🙈

On Monday evening, I spotted a huge wild boar while strolling through a park in Warsaw 😳 It wandered calmly, ignoring the people around. Last night, I saw it again - this time lying under a bush. I followed it for an hour as it roamed, dug up roots and scratched its rump on trees.

Who just fed all that into DeepResearch - Gallup Strengths, MBTI, Big Five traits, AuDHD diagnosis, my study curriculum, and a list of everything I'm into - and got back a 25-page strategy report so tailored it might turn me into the most effective and motivated version of myself? 😳

me: okay, I'll try group projects this term group projects: no one knows what's going on, everyone waits for someone else to take initiative, constant plan changes, pointless video calls, horrifying ideas, endless drama me: okay, next term I'm saying my autism is back. no more group projects, pls

To: Dream Department at Brain Hi Team, Appreciate the hard work and all, but can we cool it with the s*x dreams about my exes? Also, the one about my empty bank account? Not fun. Bring back the classics: forgotten math test, stairs with missing steps, legs heavy like lead. Thanks, Piotr

Therapists: So, about autistics and theory of mind… Me: WAIT. I have theory of mind. I know people have their own thoughts, feelings etc. Therapists: Right. It's not that you don't know. It's that your brain gets stuck overthinking what they might think or feel… so you never actually reply.

It just struck me: impulse control is one thing, but another reason I make decisions impulsively might be that I struggle with the discomfort of not knowing. "Starting a new degree course? Yes or no? I need to know now!" I want to already know what course my life is taking.