NEDDIE: How are we going to get the raft across? The river's full of water. BLOODNOK: Well, it's quite simple. Build a bridge and carry it across. How else? (Goon Show S7 E2, 11 Oct 1956. Script by Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens)

PRIME MINISTER: We must warn the British public. We can't ignore the British public. FOREIGN SECRETARY: Why not? We always have. (Goon Show S4 E2, 9 Oct 1953. Script by Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens)

BLUEBOTTLE: Why are you not wearing any trousers? ECCLES: Well, it's lunchtime. BLUEBOTTLE: Oh. What did you have for lunch? ECCLES: My trousers. (Goon Show S8 E2, 7 Oct 1957. Script by Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens)

MIN: What's the elephant doing in the kitchen? CRUN: Helping, Min. MIN: Is he drying up? CRUN: No, he feels quite moist. (Vintage Goons, 6 Oct 1958. Original script by Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens)

GRYTPYPE: Now then, Seagoon - what made you join the army? SEAGOON: An armed escort and two military policemen. (Goon Show S7 E1, 4 Oct 1956. Script by Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens.)

NED: Mr Eccles, I must warn you that this a case of Ipso Facto Coro in Carborundum Patria et Figlio. ECCLES: Oh... What do all them words mean? NED: I don't know but they make me sound intelligent. (Goon Show S4 E1, 2 Oct 1953. Script by Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens.)

PROFESSOR SPON: As you're leaving college, I've recommended you for a post with the British Museum. NEDDIE: But, well, could... could I do the job? SPON: Do it? It's right up your street! NEDDIE: That'll save bus fares. (Vintage Goons, 22 Sep 1958. Original script by Spike Milligan & Larry Stephens)

AIRPORT CONTROL: Hallo, Captain Pureheart. Control calling. Please report your exact position. PUREHEART: I'm on my side with my knees drawn up. CONTROL: Why? PUREHEART: I'm at home in bed. (Crazy People S1 E17, 20 Sep 1951. Script by Spike Milligan, Larry Stephens & Jimmy Grafton.)

MILLIGAN: I cut my finger opening a tin of beans. SELLERS: You must use a tin opener in future. (Crazy People S1 E16, 13 Sep 1951. Script by Spike Milligan, Larry Stephens & Jimmy Grafton.)

ECCLES: Hullooo there! Look at me! NED: I say, Eccles - 1st class! How did you get ashore? E: I walked across this log! N: You fool! That's an alligator! E: Oooo. I wondered why my leg kept getting shorter! (Crazy People S1 E15, 6 Sep 1951. Script by Spike Milligan, Larry Stephens & Jimmy Grafton.)

THE SEAGOON MEMOIRS pod.link/1569929507 The last Goon Show script Larry Stephens ever worked on (he co-wrote it with Maurice Wiltshire) this edition sometimes sounds like fan-fic but there are a number of highlights (& some none-too-subtle innuendo). Andy Bell returns to try & make sense of it all

WAITRESS: Are you from HQ? JONES: Yes W: Identify yourself J: Z076B W: Right. What do you want? J: Is it safe to talk here? W: Yes. What do you want? J: Are you sure? W: Quite sure J: Right. Beans on toast. (Crazy People S1 E14, 30 Aug 1951. Script by Spike Milligan, Larry Stephens & Jimmy Grafton.)

NOSDROVIAN: Are you Dr Jones, the eminent brain specialist? JONES: Yes - but business is bad in England. NOSDROVIAN: No work? JONES: No brains. (Crazy People S1 E13, 23 Aug 1951. Script by Spike Milligan, Larry Stephens & Jimmy Grafton.)

Hello folks! Calling folks! We're celebrating 75 years of The Goon Show with two classic radio scripts LIVE on stage in York. All profits are going to @age-uk.bsky.social Tickets are on sale now. For further information see: goonshow.org/2026/08/21/g...

PORRIDGE: How long have we been marching? SPALDING: Six hours, sir. And I think the horses are tired. PORRIDGE: What makes you say that? SPALDING: They're wearing pyjamas, sir. (Crazy People S1 E12, 16 Aug 1951. Script by Spike Milligan, Larry Stephens & Jimmy Grafton.)

JONES: I have a very nice little flat. I took it last year when I got married. HERSCHEL: Married, eh? I've been thinking of marrying myself. JONES: But you'd be so lonely. Why don't you marry someone else? (Crazy People S1 E10, 2 Aug 1951. Script by Spike Milligan, Larry Stephens & Jimmy Grafton.)

RAY: Look! This is the gun that killed Louie. PETE: But it's a water pistol. RAY: I know. He was drowned. (Crazy People S1 E9, 23 Jul 1951. Script by Spike Milligan, Larry Stephens & Jimmy Grafton.)

FUDGEKNUCKLE: I'm from the BBC. Now tell me - this flea circus business - I suppose you began in a small way? SPLUTMUSCLE: Ho, yes - we started from scratch. (Crazy People S1 E8, 16 Jul 1951. Script by Spike Milligan, Larry Stephens & Jimmy Grafton.)

TIM: During the holiday season traffic to the coast is very heavy & every precaution should be taken by motorists & pedestrians. Here is Inspector Bowzer of the Metropolitan Police to give listeners a word of warning. BOWZER: LOOK OUT! (Goon Show S2 E25, 15 Jul 1952. Script by Milligan and Stephens)

Happy Black Country Day. Behold the celebratory pork scratchings! #BlackCountryDay

HERSCHEL: You travelled alone? JONES: No, I hired a French secretary. HERSCHEL: Blonde or brunette? JONES: I don't know. He was bald. (Crazy People S1 E7, 9 Jul 1951. Script by Spike Milligan, Larry Stephens. Edited by Jimmy Grafton.)

Hello folks! Calling folks! We're trying to track down the Telegoons. Can you help? If you have any information, please get in touch: goonshow.org/2026/06/30/w... And we'd be most grateful if you could share this post please. Thank you!

Larry Stephens, jazz pianist! The picture was taken in 1942 after the band he was a member of won the 'Best Small Band' trophy at the Melody Maker's All-Staffordshire Dance Band Championship.

OLIVER CROMWELL: You stand before me, the smartest troops in Europe. As I look along these proud ranks, each guardsman so smart, so... You! That man there! You, covered in filth! What kind of guard do you call yourself? ECCLES: Der - I'm a mudguard! (Crazy People S1 E6, 2 Jul 1951.)

HARRY: Eccles! Where the...? Er... At this point, Timothy, a door should open. TIM: Then why doesn't it? HARRY: Er... Well... TIM: You've had a row with the Sounds Effects men again, haven't you? (Goon Show S2 E23, 1 Jul 1952. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens. Edited by Jimmy Grafton.)

SPIKE: We commenced building a canoe... PETER: Well, that's the framework done. Now to cover it. Have you any long pieces of bark? SPIKE: Well, sir, I've got his Cantata & Fugue in C sharp minor. (Crazy People S1 E5, 25 Jun 1951. Script by Spike Milligan, Larry Stephens & Jimmy Grafton.)

HARRY: I'm giving the masses the benefit of my education. After all, I am an old Etonian. TIM: Rubbish. Of course you're not an old Etonian. HARRY: How can you tell? TIM: You're wearing trousers. (Goon Show S2 E22, 24 Jun 1952. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens. Edited by Jimmy Grafton.)

PETER: Never will I forget that moment when, balanced precariously on a precipice near the summit, my rope broke. MIKE: Whatever did you do? PETER: The only thing that an experienced mountaineer could do. MIKE: What was that? PETER: I fell off. (Crazy People S1E4, 18 Jun 1951 by Milligan & Stephens)

SEAGOON: A stone through my window! BLOODNOK: It's got a message on it. SEAGOON: What's it say? BLOODNOK: Fred Smith, window repairer. (Goon Show S2 E21, 17 Jun 1952. Script by Spike Milligan and Larry Stephens. Edited by Jimmy Grafton.)

Friends watching Goon Show rehearsals at Grafton's pub. Mrs Larry Stephens is top centre in the photo! (Picture Post magazine, 16 Jun 1951)