Heinrich Himmler withdraws as Tory election candidate

Heinrich Himmler has stepped down as the Conservative candidate for a council election after massive backlash against his selection.

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SpaceX rocket crashed into Moon after being equipped with Tesla’s Full Self Driving mode

SpaceX has confirmed that the Falcon 9 upper stage, which smashed into the Moon today, had recently been fitted with Tesla’s latest Full Self Driving software, describing the collision as …

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Reform vows to tackle misinformation just as soon as they’ve finished benefitting from it

Reform UK has announced ambitious plans to stamp out political misinformation, just days after the party dispatched chairman Zia Yusuf to Ceuta to help ensure Britain’s latest migration panic…

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Donald Trump qualifies for US Ryder Cup team with round of 18 at Club Championship

Donald Trump has dramatically qualified for the US Ryder Cup team after shooting an amazing round of 18 at the Club Championship.

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Fairy-tale ending as plucky underdogs BP oil double their profits

A heart-warming story has gripped the nation today, after plucky underdogs BP oil announced they’d more than doubled their profits.

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France promises Eurostar ticket to any asylum seeker returned to France by Nigel Farage’s ‘Operation Fortress’

France has promised to reward every asylum seeker returned to its beaches by Nigel Farage’s proposed ‘Operation Fortress’ with a complimentary Eurostar ticket back to London, afte…

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Translator of original ‘Spider-Man: Brand New Day’ text criticises new film

A university scholar who translated the ancient text of ‘Spider-Man: Brand New Day’ has criticised the new film, calling it a ‘travesty’.

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Reform to replace Parliamentary Standards Commissioner with bloke down pub who says ‘looks alright to me’

Reform UK have announced plans to replace the Parliamentary Standards Commissioner with “a bloke down the pub who reckons everything’s probably fine”, after deputy leader Richard …

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Extraterrestrial beings cancel plans to save humanity after accidentally watching 12 minutes of Love Island

A benevolent race of hyper-intelligent extraterrestrial beings has officially scrapped plans to save humanity from climate doom, after intercepting a broadcast of ITV’s Love Island and concluding w…

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Baldrick investigated by standards watchdog

Baldrick is being investigated by a standards watchdog for the failure to disclose a cunning plan, it has been announced.  A loyal squire to Prince Edmund, who is also being investigated by the sam…

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Man who spent last five years insisting ‘All Lives Matter’ now calling for Royal Navy to sink migrant boats crossing the Channel

A man who spent most of 2020 tweeting #AllLivesMatter whenever anyone called for help for a particularly vulnerable sub-group of our society, has today decided that the way to stop migrants crossin…

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Women sue God for sex discrimination after ‘millennia of unequal terms & conditions’

Millions of women have filed a lawsuit against God, alleging that His treatment of women amounts to “the longest-running case of sex discrimination in history.”

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Traumatised Bear Grylls abandons attempt to survive week in Swindon Travelodge

Famous TV survivalist Bear Grylls has been airlifted to safety after failing to complete a five-day expedition inside a Swindon Travelodge.

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Donald Trump cancels Iran strikes after decision-making coin lands on heads

Donald Trump has called off his latest strikes on Iran after the coin he flips to make important decisions landed on heads.

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Gianni Infantino concludes only person capable of fixing Gianni Infantino’s mess is Gianni Infantino

Gianni Infantino has concluded that the only man capable of repairing the damage caused by Gianni Infantino is, somewhat reassuringly for Gianni Infantino, Gianni Infantino.

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England to continue boycott of World Cup final

England have confirmed that they will boycott qualifying for the next World Cup final by going out at the semi-final stage again, or maybe even the quarter-finals.

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Man without beard spotted

POLICE have urged the public to remain calm after an individual with a completely bare lower face was seen walking down a high street in broad daylight.

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On-fire climate change denier continuing to insist everything is totally fine

A climate change denier has insisted that everything is absolutely fine, despite his entire body being engulfed in flames.

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Man’s ‘summer body’ revealed to be just a slightly pinker version of his ‘winter body’

Local man Simon Williams has this afternoon revealed his summer body, which appears to be nothing more than a slightly pinker version of his winter body. Williams chose a warmish afternoon as the p…

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‘Two-tier policing’ and other phrases that can easily identify the nation’s gullible simpletons

People who publicly complain about ‘two-tier’ policing because people they agree with are being punished for breaking laws while people they disagree with are not being punished because…

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Plans to improve transport links in North include moving Leeds 43 miles closer to Manchester

An eye-catching plan to move Leeds 43 miles closer to Manchester is the headline proposal in the new ‘Get the North Moving’ scheme to improve transport links in the North of England.

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