Why do we need data centres/centers? (Serious question.)
I hope Rachel Reeves’s response to Andy Burnham’s offer of a lesser job after removing her as Chancellor was like that of my stepdaughter when she received a letter saying she hadn’t got a job at the local zoo’s gift shop. She opened the letter, read it and bellowed, “Shove it up your arse!”
“Having assessed the situation, we have decided that Argentina will still have to play Spain before we give them the trophy.” - FIFA
Dear FIFA, For the next World Cup, do you think you could see your way clear to scrapping ‘hydration’ breaks, keeping the final half-time to fifteen minutes, without any Superbowl-type entertainment and doing away with the ‘bronze medal’ match altogether? You could? Marvellous.
After the football tonight, I’d like to swing a baseball bat into Donald Trump’s face. It wouldn’t put England into the final but it wouldn’t half make me feel better.
Donald Trump got the idea for the reflecting pool when he was in a pub* and heard a Geordie say, “Fancy a paint lake?” * I know, I know
GUYS - I’ve just realised what Farage is going to do… The thing is he now has NO WAY to proceed which doesn’t humiliate him. If he wins, he is, as Rachel Reeves put it, The Man Who Spent His Summer Arguing With A Bin. If he bails, he’s The Man Who Fled From A Bin. And if he LOSES…
If you’re wondering how hot it must be on Centre Court today, Roger Federer’s had to unbutton his jacket!
My wife has just put this together: watermelon, feta, red onion pickled in lime juice and olive oil, black olives, mint and parsley. It’s the taste of summer.
Today, a man named Buster Morrow hit me. I guess I should have listened to all those people who told me to cheer up.
Andrew Castle at Wimbledon: “Richard Attenborough was here yesterday. SIR Richard, should I say.” This is difficult to type, as my head is still in my hands.
What the hell’s going on with Belgium’s second kit. It’s like the designers ran out of time and said, “Shit, that’s it! We’ve got to hand it in now.”
So, England are playing DR Congo in an enclosed, air conditioned stadium. That’s great - no need for ‘hydration’ breaks, then.
Looking at the royal box at Wimbledon today, I see Masters champion Rory McIlroy decided to go incognito.
I’ve just put myself in the right frame of mind for tonight’s game by listening to the greatest football record of them all: ‘Vindaloo’ by Fat Les.
When someone’s phone rings during a match at Wimbledon, I’d love the umpire to lean into the mic and calmly say, “Turn it. The fuck. Off.”
My wife was watching a rerun of Father Brown today. I had my head stuck in the newspaper and heard Mark Williams tap on an office door and say, “May I come in?” I then heard my wife say, “Fuck off”, at which point I looked up and saw her trying to swat away some flies. Made me laugh.
During the England v Ghana match last night my wife just said, “Anthony Gordon Strachan”. She makes me laugh.
When singing “Good Morning Starshine” to myself this morning, I sang ‘nooby abba nabba’ where I should have sung ‘sabba sibby sabba’. I felt a right Charlie.
Did anybody else just see the on-court interview with French tennis player Corentin Moutet after his victory at Queen’s? Someone in authority should have had a quiet word along the lines of, “Say ‘fuck, fuck, fuck’ in an interview again and I’ll break your fucking arm, you pathetic twat”.
I just got myself a really cushy job as a datum processor.
Took this pic of a hornbeam a few days ago. Such a lovely shape plus look at that sky!
Trump needs to be shoehorned into an XXXL straitjacket and thrown into a padded cell.