Two doors, one of us tells the truth, the other only catty asides
Adam Carnevale?
@retroarchetype.bsky.social
mums new boyfriend (you don't have to call me dad if you don't want) he/him
Me at the old folks home: sponge bath square pants! Doctor on the other side of the two way mirror: He's a goner. Pull the plug.
King: Home James, and don't spare the horses! Me, who was gonna whip the shit outta those horses anyway: Yes sir!
Calls to violence are so intrusive. I prefer letters to violence.
60s Batman Villian Voice: Nawhahaha Batman, it's me Doctor FucksaLot
Me after blinding myself so I can be like my hero Daredevil: Wow all my other senses are so heightened! My tinnitus is so loud now!
Me when I get to Westworld and my friends want to go have sex with a robot: "You guys know they have brothels in real life too right?"
Philosophers: But if you have replaced every part of this ship with a new piece can you still call it the Ship of Theseus? Me, sitting next to them at the oar: Less talk. More Rowing.
Just saw all those pictures of people trying to knock over that poor leaning tower of piza. Sick fucks. Disgusting behaviour
Just heard google maps trying to navigate a man sitting on a public toilet. Lady LEAVE HIM ALONE
'Stone to Flesh'? More like 'Normal Campaign to Body Horror'.
It's me. When you're coming home late at night and you try to open the door faster because you feel like something is chasing you. That's me.
Just saw my doctor drinking a coke with sugar. Fucked up.
slaying the Met Gala by showing up in a giant wooden horse
The true art in every gif is knowing that the subject is eternally destined to repeat their actions. Good or bad.
My entire life I have only wished to be Gomez Addams
"Man it's crazy we couldn't tell back in the day that the MythBusters hated each other" I say as a season one episode cuts right before Jamie punches Adam in the heart
I made this. And I think I may have been the first person ever to connect these two things. And I'm really proud of that. This meme is the closest I'll ever get to being the first human to walk on the moon. And maybe this isn't actually funny but I think you should like and share it anyway.
Pov you're on a date with me: *silently I read my own tweets to myself only interrupting occasionally to say to myself "haha, good one"*
As a kid who used to watch CSI, I always thought Law and Order was the "serious one". Now that I've watched it i cant believe how wrong I was
Many Melburnians have four colour-sensing cone cell types in their eyes (unlike most mammals' two or tree), giving them vision into the UV range, and (presumably) a much richer experience of colour. Melburnian fashion that appears dull blacks to us likely appear resplendent to other Melburnians.
Getting one of those floor mats with buttons to teach my cat to speak but all the buttons say 'I'm a stinky little baby'
Me after being called out to my fifth "trolley problem" incident in two weeks: Who keeps DOING this???
“I asked chatgpt” well I asked the sage and mighty oracle and she said the only way to prevent the village crops from failing is to drag you around by the ankles, behind a horse-drawn chariot, for seven days and seven nights
They should make bigger seats in movie theatres especially for two children in a trenchcoat trying to get into r rated films
If I could cast spells you fuckers would be so fucked
