The weather app on my phone says today is partly cloudy. The weather tracker on my computer at work says today is partly *sunny*. My work computer is an optimist! 🥹

A zucchini is just a really insistent, self-important cucumber.

Food has become far too expensive for the amount of processing and chemicals now involved. And if what they’re gonna argue I’m paying for IS the processing and chemicals, maybe stop adding so much? No one believes it, but humanity persisted for MILLENNIA prior to the advent of Red 40…

Idea: M. Night Shyamalan should do a crossover of The Happening with the makers of Insidious. They should call it “Deciduous”. …….that isa joke for the three nerds in my audience who are aware of both the plot line of The Happening, also also tree classification. A niche joke is still a joke.

I am both deeply uncomfortable and fully accepting of just how attracted I am to wicker man Alexander Skarsgård. Yes the bees. All of the bees. Sting me to *death*, sir, great googly moogly…! 🫢

I’m seeing a frightening number of people revealing that they didn’t know you’re not supposed to eat the flavorless, “obviously not a food, that’s why we put a little removal ripcord on it” wax on the outside of Babybel cheese and I’m now officially concerned for ALL OF YOU.

It’s wild, now that the second season of Wonder Man has been cancelled, to see how many fans of Wonder Man there were. Because everyone’s been PRETTY quiet since the show actually aired, but alright. Pop off, internet sis…

Are moths evil butterflies? Or are butterflies evil moths…?

Tapping the sign.

I know I’m old now because I’ve gone from being told by people I haven’t seen in a while that I’ve gotten tall, to telling OTHER people that I haven’t seen in a while that THEY’VE gotten tall…

My favorite part about making plans with other people is then making up half-assed excuses and/or ghosting them day of, when I realize I don’t actually want to go.

I made not one, but two separate Paul Lynde reference today because, again, I am secretly a 75 year old man.

Y’know what the world is missing? More experimental albums that get turned into weird art films, like The Wall or Yellow Submarine. Who did the last one? Beyoncé? I feel like we need more. Someone animate whatever Sabrina Carpenter is doing right now.

Whom must I pay in order to date a hot Irish guy who actively speaks Gaelic? Asking for a me.

I want to learn highland dancing. Not just because I apparently have Irish heritage somewhere in there, but because there is something so effing hilarious about standing stock still, staring straight ahead, not using your arms AT ALL to dance. I need one more way to be an absolute weirdo.

I’m all for people having a religion. I support that highly, actually…we all need something to cling to in the world. But why do certain religious people think it’s okay to trap you in a small space and try to elevator pitch you on their sky daddy?

Me: He died. Him: He did?! What happened?! Me: Fatal motorcycle accident. Him: Oh no! (pause) …did he survive?! Me: ……………….you realize I started this by saying “he died” and then followed up with the word “fatal”, yes? Him: …….so, no…? 😑 My best friend, folks. Real genius.

TIL that I can totally do the Bill Skarsgård Pennywise one eye drift! Every day I blossom more and more into my true spooky self! And just in time for Halloween too!

It is 8:30am and Monday is already living up to being fucking Monday. 😑

While silently drinking my coffee, my brain decided to, out of absolutely nowhere, think the sentence “I just read ‘Read Red Reed’…” and now I’m so effing pissed off, I wanna fight someone.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but I want you to know that I think you’re just great. You are, you’re just…great. Thanks for hanging out with me. 🙂

While it is *somewhat* concerning that I just, randomly, passed out for 12 hours, I’ll say this; haven’t felt this rested in a while…

Why is every goddamned hoodie on the planet now fleece lined? I hate fucking fleece. I wear a hoodie year round because there’s SOMETHING wrong with my brain, and I can’t stand to have my arms exposed. So…I require a hoodie. Fleece is too fucking hot! WHY IS IT EVERYWHERE?!?! 😡😡😡

I had to stop everything I was doing at work because I just had the weirdest moment. I realized that, for the first time in maybe the last…15 or so years? I am…genuinely content with my life. Everything’s…just…*fine*… Which is a weird and wonderful place to FINALLY be.