Tessera

Sir Michael

@sirmichael.bsky.social

Creator of the Sturdy Wheelbarrows podcast and the grandson who continues to be persecuted for wearing jean shorts to his grandad's funeral :(

2651 Posts16944 Follower 235 Folgt

Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 8h ago

There are lots of interesting facts about the Titanic. But there are plenty of uninterestings ones too, which, imo, are equally important to know.

Top 7 Least Interesting Facts About The Titanic

[Picture of Abraham Lincoln while not on the Titanic]

1. Due to a combination of not having a ticket and dying 47 years earlier, Abraham Lincoln was not a passenger on the Titanic's maiden voyage.

2. Passengers in 2nd and 3rd class accommodation on the Titanic were unable to send emails after the ship began sinking.

3. There is no evidence that the sinking of the Titanic was caused by the ship being overloaded with heavy lawnmowers. Experts believe it's far more likely to have been caused by a collision with an iceberg.

4. The sinking of the Titanic in 1912 took place before the moon landing in 1969.

5. Nobody over the age of 150 died on the Titanic.

6. If the Atlantic Ocean had been drained of all its water in 1911, everyone on board the Titanic would have survived. However, draining the Atlantic was never considered due to it being logistically unfeasible.

7. The words "Titanic" and "Atlantic" are not anagrams of one another.

Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 3d ago

This post is a great lesson to young, up-and-coming posters. Not every post works out. You're going to have unsuccessful moments in your posting career. But what matters is that you learn from it, get back to your workstation and try to deliver a high quality post for the fans next time out.

Sir Michael@sirmichael.bsky.social · 3d ago

Cheese graters are not just for grating cheese! They've got lots of other uses: 1. Stand on it to make yourself appear slightly taller 2. Help a friend to appear taller by letting them stand on it Okay, seems there's only two. I thought there'd be hundreds. My mistake. Please disregard this post.

Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 3d ago

Elle-isson Becker @grammarous.bsky.social · 5d ago

These are all top notch. Would binge immediately.

Sir Michael@sirmichael.bsky.social · last wk.

We need new TV detectives. Here are my three ready-to-go ideas. If any TV bigwigs want to commision these shows, please get in touch

Ideas for New TV Detectives

Titan, Nic. Private Investigator.

Nicola Titan is the world's second best time-travelling maritime detective (her arch-rival May Flower is number one). Each episode sees Nic travel back in time to 1912 to investigate a different mystery on board the Titanic. She has to solve the mystery and then escape to safety via her time machine before the ship sinks. (I don't know why she can't use her time machine to save everyone on board but for some reason she can't so please don't ask me about this plot hole)

Genghis Can't, P.I.

When a science experiment goes wrong, Genghis Khan is accidentally reanimated in modern day New York. This version of Genghis, however, is too shy and lacking in confidence to become an international warlord so he instead gets a job in a small private detective agency. Every time he's assigned a case, Genghis panics about not being good enough for this line of work and suffers crippling imposter syndrome. But each time, Genghis miraculously stumbles his way to solving the case via his own self-doubt (not sure how this will work yet but I will think of the details after the show has been commissioned).

Detective Baby

When a mysterious new detective named T. Oddler starts solving all the unsolved cases in the precinct, rival detectives are furious. Meanwhile the bosses want to know more about this short, enigmatic newcomer who prefers to work alone, between naps. But Oddler hides a dark secret – he was only born eighteen months ago. He's the best detective in the business but if the bosses find out that Oddler is a baby, he'll be fired and replaced with an adult immediately. Can he maintain his secret for long enough to solve The Mystery of the Missing Stuff??

Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · last wk.

We need new TV detectives. Here are my three ready-to-go ideas. If any TV bigwigs want to commision these shows, please get in touch

Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 2w ago

I've put together a quick study guide for anyone who's got an important upcoming exam about Neptune. Hope this helps.

Planet Neptune
The Facts You Need to Know

1. The planet pictured above is not Neptune, it's Venus (the most important fact you must learn about Neptune is what it looks like and if you think it looks like Venus, you are wrong).

2. Many of the things that are illegal on Earth are not illegal on Neptune, including shopl*fting and public n*dity.

3. Nobody has ever dislocated their shoulder on Neptune.

4. Despite its popularity on Earth, the TV show Friends did not achieve the same success on Neptune, with the series finale being watched by zero viewers there.

5. Despite being over three times larger than Earth, the number of horses on Neptune is significantly lower.

6. There are no hardware stores on Neptune so if you urgently need hardware supplies, go to a planet that does have hardware stores instead.

Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 2w ago

If any other teachers out there are having trouble getting their students to use correct grammar when writing, feel free to use this easy-to-remember guide I've put together. I got my students to memorise it and now they're following it to the letter 👍

Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 3w ago

I don't want to criticise online bakers (many of whom I respect) but one trend I dislike is when they use “tsp” and “tbsp” in the same recipe. Yes, it's nice to add variety to the wording of your recipe but since they mean the same thing, you should pick one and just stick with it.

Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 4w ago

So glad I'm not a referee at this World Cup b/c I wouldn't know what to do during hydration breaks. I'm not gregarious enough to chat with the players but I'm too cool to be seen hanging out with the assistant refs. Ultimately I'd maybe just take my phone out and pretend to be texting or something.

Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · last mo.

My solution to the Balogun controversy? He can play but he must carry a plate of hors d'oeuvres throughout. If he drops any, he's sent off again. Belgian players are allowed to eat the appetisers but one of them contains poison. If a Belgian player dies from food poisoning, Balogun is sent off again

Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · last yr.

Here's my summary of Armageddon (1998), which I consider to be Hollywood's last great masterpiece

Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · last mo.

My idea to spice up the World Cup? The World Cup Mole. Before each match, both teams get to plant a secret saboteur in the opposing team's starting eleven. Nobody knows who the mole is. Although there are some suspicions among the French players about their newly arrived left-back Sven Olofsson.

Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · last mo.

Penalties are looking distinctly possible in this match so here's a quick recap of the new penalty shootout rules for the 2026 World Cup.

World Cup 2026 Penalty Shootout Rules

1. Five players from each team are selected as designated penalty takers, with each taking one penalty kick.

2. In the event that any of the designated penalty takers are kidnapped by a gang of marauding pirates before they have taken their penalty, a replacement penalty taker may be selected.

3. If the replacement penalty taker is also kidnapped by the same gang of marauding pirates, negotiations will begin with the pirates to get one or both of the kidnapped players returned in order to take their penalty kick.

4. If negotiations are successful, the shootout will proceed as planned.

5. If negotiations are unsuccessful and the pirates issue a heartrending public statement in which they explain that they were driven to these kidnappings as a means of drawing attention to a series of global regulations in recent centuries, which have adversely affected their ability to make a living from ocean piracy, it is likely that this will see them gain significant public support. As a result, the regulations which have most damaged their industry (military crackdowns on pirate ships, ports refusing to grant safe harbour to pirate ships etc.) will be immediately overturned.

6. This embarrassingly weak concession to the pirates will almost certainly have disastrous effects on other industries but that will be someone else's problem.

Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · last mo.

My conspiracy theory on why no World Cup matches have been played at the same time so far? There's only one ball and it's transported to each venue between matches. FIFA doesn't want you to know that if a 2nd ball isn't found in time for tomorrow's simultaneous games, the tournament gets cancelled.

Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 2mo ago

Always makes me laugh when I see people who are only discovering Lionel Messi now. It's like, where have you been, lol?! Hardcore fans like me have known about him from as far back as 2023.

Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 2mo ago

My least favourite thing in the World Cup? When a team scores a goal. It's so selfish. It hurts the feelings of opposing players, embarrasses them and damages their confidence. Awful. If I was a coach, I'd forbid my team from scoring. "Stop scoring goals. Start considering other people's feelings."

Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 2mo ago

Seeing a lot of criticism for the World Cup hydration breaks and I must vent my fury too. They shouldn't just be for water. There should be picnic tables and sandwiches for the players to sit down and enjoy each other's company. They should last two hours. The player who makes the most friends wins.

Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 2mo ago

I could no longer hold my tongue on this issue

Newspaper front page.

World News

"Not a fan of FIFA."
Man criticises governing body

Just days ahead of the men’s World Cup, FIFA - the governing body of world football - has been rocked by criticism from grocery shop employee and online personality Sir Michael.

Speaking before the big kick-off on Thursday, Michael said, “I don’t really like the acronym ‘FIFA’ very much. If you see it written down, you wouldn’t know that it’s supposed to be pronounced ‘fee-fah’. A lot of people probably pronounce it ‘fy-fah or fiff-ah by mistake. People should be able to see an acronym written down and immediately know how it’s pronounced.”

While he has yet to respond, the timing of the criticism could not be worse for FIFA president Gianni Infantino who was already under pressure following the shambolic preparations for his organisation’s showcase event and faces an election in 2027 to retain his position.

Asked if he had an issue with the names of any other organisations, Michael also singled out NASA for criticism. “It should be spelt NASSA,” said the Irishman. “People could easily see NASA written down and think it’s pronounced ‘nay-sah’. Hopefully they’ll change it one day.”

Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 2mo ago

OMG! Major punctuation error in section 3.8 of the new Adobe Acrobat Reader terms and conditions! (Have been offline for the last few hours so sorry if this has already been discussed)

Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 2mo ago

Very excited for the return of House of the Dragon! It's been off air since 2024 so here's a quick catch-up on everything I remember from the first two seasons: - Some blond people said various things - Dragon fight, maybe? - The Lumon employees have had their personalities "severed" somehow

Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 2mo ago

Arsenal may have lost the Champions League final but thanks to the earlier kick-off time this year, their players will be able to go to bed early and get a full night's sleep - unlike the teams who've lost all the previous finals. Hope their manager reminded them of that to cheer them up afterwards.

Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 2mo ago

Heatwaves like this are the perfect way for me to separate true soup fans from the casuals who claim to love soup but only have it in winter. If you're not chowing down on a lovely vegetable soup for lunch in this 30°C weather, YOU ARE A FRAUD and your invitation to SoupCon 2027 just got revoked.

Ciara | Ciaraíoch 🎨@ciaraioch.bsky.social · 2mo ago

Sunscreen is wild, like what do you mean the radiant might of a gigantic plasma inferno of a star fueled by the unimaginable power of nuclear fusion is defeated by a ten euro tube of cream

Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 3mo ago

It's been an eventful day

Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 3mo ago

The question I get asked most? “What are your top 4 Thursdays of 2007, Michael?” Easy: 1. Thursday, May 17th 2. Thursday, November 1st 3. Thursday, March 29th 4. Thursday, September 20th And don't anyone come at me to say Thursday the 5th of July should be included. That Thursday was so overrated.

Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 3mo ago

Time for my review of 2026

My Review of 2026

Number: 2026
Reviewer: Michael Cunningham

Comments
The number 2026 is, in my opinion, one of the best numbers between between 1731 and 2294. It is an even number and I like that two of the four digits are 2, which is one of my favourite single digit numbers. I also like that it has a zero in it. Most of my favourite large numbers have a zero in them. And I don’t mind the 6. In conclusion, I am pleased to award the number 2026 four stars out of five.

Favourite Things About This Number
- The fact that it’s evenly divisible by 1, 2, 1013 and 2026
- It is a dignified-looking number, imo
- The fact that 2 makes up 50% of the digits in 2026. I find that very aesthetically pleasing

Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 3mo ago

Were these films named correctly or incorrectly? After much consideration, here are my definitive assessments

Named Correctly or Incorrectly

Here are some films that were named. But were they named correctly or incorrectly?

Downfall (2004)
Not a bad title but perhaps an even better one would have been
Fall Down (because that's what Hitler does after shooting himself).
The producers are probably still kicking themselves that they didn't
think of this title at the time.

Named correctly or incorrectly? Incorrectly

There Will Be Blood (2007)
Film titles should not be spoilers. This gives away too much of the
plot by pre-informing viewers that there will be blood. Should have
been called Maybe There Will Be Blood, Maybe There Won't Be.

Named correctly or incorrectly? Incorrectly

Captain Philips (2013)
Too incomplete. It's a good start (because the film does involve
Captain Philips) but it omits the names of all the other characters in
the film. It should have been called Captain Philips, His Colleagues,
The Hijackers and The Army Guys.

Named correctly or incorrectly? Incorrectly

Weekend at Bernie's (1989)
Film in which two guys go to Bernie's house for the weekend, which
is perfectly encapsulated by the title. Excellent. Couldn't be better.

Named correctly or incorrectly? Correctly

Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 3mo ago

Okay, just wanted to jump on quickly and do a Q&A about hantavirus. I know there's a lot of speculation out there but hopefully I can clarify a few details and maybe put people's minds at ease

Q: What is hantavirus?
A: I don't know yet. I only heard about it an hour ago so I haven't had time to look it up.

Q: How is it spread?
A: Again, no idea.

Q: Could it turn into a pandemic?
A: Not too sure.

Q: What symptoms should I be looking out for?
A: I don't know what the symptoms are but please be vigilant for all of them, whatever they may be.

Q: What is the incubation period for hantavirus?
A: I don't know what that is.

Q: Is there a vaccine?
A: Not that I've heard but I haven't asked anyone. I could try asking my dad but he wouldn't know either.

Q: Should I be worried?
A: Maybe. It's hard to say for sure.

Sir Michael @sirmichael.bsky.social · 3mo ago

If I was a footballer, I could easily think of ways to get out of playing matches: 1. Dental appointment (check-up) 2. Dental appointment (cleaning) 3. Someone stole my shoes 4. Working on an unsolved murder case from 2007 It's easy, guys. Make up 38 excuses and you can take the whole season off.