You open up the clock and inside is the broken machinery of the universe. You don't have time for this
Sorrowscopes
@sorrowscopes.bsky.social
Things are terrible (we follow our contributors)
headlines now are just like “did the FCC chair violate ethics by letting the CEO of Paramount give him huge bags of cash labeled with dollar signs during merger?” and “RFK said explosive diarrhea is normal and measles aren’t real. We fact check some of his statements“
My nephew is telling me he’s a little teapot. Only 5 years old and already a fucking liar like his father.
Aries: The cocoons in chamber 4 will hatch today. I wish we had more details for you.
Taurus: Today is the day you finally come to terms with the fact that you have never eaten, and will never eat, a really good pear.
Gemini: Stop saying it’s Mercurian retrograde and go to the doctor.
Cancer: You'll never outlive your mistakes. Make them count.
Leo: Your life is a fucking disaster. The good news is, nobody cares!
Libra: 1) Cut the blue wire. Blue > cut. 2) Do NOT touch the cerulean wire, EVER. 3a) Ocean. This one's candy—or.. yeah ocean. Or azure? The one that's not poison is candy. Try smelling them. Only 25 wires left. Sorrowscopes assures me ALL guides for tonight's bombs will post TODAY!
Scorpio: You'll be reminded this week that words matter. And since you don't know many, keep a dictionary and thesaurus handy.
Sagittarius: Pack a light suitcase and make sure your gas tank is full. Your chances of being run out of town by an angry mob this week are quite high.
Capricorn: Your hard work is finally paying off. Your reward? More work.
Aquarius: Your family will experience one final, posthumous disappointment when they learn that Guinness does not certify a record for longest episode of explosive diarrhea.
Pisces: Love is in the air. Unfortunately, it’s toxic in concentrated amounts. Side effects include laughter & writing letters.
THE NEW SORROWSCOPES ARE HERE! TELL YOUR FRIENDS. TELL YOUR ENEMIES. TELL THE VOICE IN YOUR HEAD THAT SAYS YOU’LL NEVER FIND HAPPINESS.
SORRY THESE ARE LATE I WAS BUSY IGNORING REALITY IN THE HOPE OF EXPERIENCING A BRIEF MOMENT OF HAPPINESS
Aries: The cocoons in chamber 4 will hatch today. I wish we had more details for you.
Taurus: Today is the day you finally come to terms with the fact that you have never eaten, and will never eat, a really good pear.
Gemini: Stop saying it’s Mercurian retrograde and go to the doctor.
Cancer: You'll never outlive your mistakes. Make them count.
Leo: Your life is a fucking disaster. The good news is, nobody cares!
Libra: 1) Cut the blue wire. Blue > cut. 2) Do NOT touch the cerulean wire, EVER. 3a) Ocean. This one's candy—or.. yeah ocean. Or azure? The one that's not poison is candy. Try smelling them. Only 25 wires left. Sorrowscopes assures me ALL guides for tonight's bombs will post TODAY!
Scorpio: You'll be reminded this week that words matter. And since you don't know many, keep a dictionary and thesaurus handy.
Sagittarius: Pack a light suitcase and make sure your gas tank is full. Your chances of being run out of town by an angry mob this week are quite high.
Capricorn: Your hard work is finally paying off. Your reward? More work.
Aquarius: Your family will experience one final, posthumous disappointment when they learn that Guinness does not certify a record for longest episode of explosive diarrhea.