The Odyssey movie is so authentic, my screening had dozens of guys all hitting on my wife the whole time
GOD WHEN TWO OPPOSING ARMIES ARE BOTH PRAYING TO HIM: “I just hope both teams have fun!”
I listen to all my podcasts at 3x normal speed. It’s not an efficiency thing; I just really love Alvin & The Chipmunks.
“The name’s Bond. James Bond.” “The code’s 007. 281007.” - James Bond signing in with two-factor authentication
Pumped to be featured here along with a bunch of other funny people!
Points in Case@pointsincase.com · 8mo agoOur "Best of 2025" picks feature party planners, new chess pieces, sewer dwellers, Kyle Energy, and more!
Check out my latest in McSweeney’s!
McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net · 9mo ago"One afternoon, the whole office got an email about all our funding being slashed. The next day, I was the only one who showed up. Now I’m an all-powerful overlord with a terrible bloodlust and an even more terrible work-life balance." buff.ly/JUo5nQQ
I just found out that "T.S. Eliot" stands for "That's So Eliot!"
China hosted the first all-robot soccer game today. It’s the perfect sport for robots since the score is usually just zeroes and ones.
No doubt that at some point in the past hour a bunch of ICE agents were frantically googling “comptroller”
In the year 2025, staring contests aren’t hard because you can’t blink. They’re hard because you can’t look at your phone
Doctors say Q-tips are bad for you, so now I scoop out my earwax with a needle I found in the park
Tough day for everyone who thinks the Vice President doesn’t have any power
To learn more about the succession plan for an elderly Christian leader, see either Conclave (2024) or The Santa Clause (1994).
There’s nothing sadder than a self-published self-help book. “Good news! Here’s 300 pages of advice that nobody asked for.”
“Ya know, you’re actually more likely to be hurt by a dull knife.” - me, badly making small talk with Salman Rushdie
23andMe’s bankruptcy is a major win for those of us who collect people’s saliva not for money, but just for love of the game
Every time I read The Great Gatsby, the final paragraph brings me to tears. Breathtakingly powerful writing:
“Splitting the G” on a Guinness pint has become a sensation, because there’s nothing Irish people love more than being split along an arbitrary line.
The rule where you get a leprechaun’s gold if you catch them actually applies to everybody. It’s called kidnapping.
Me walking into the theater to see Bill Burr in Glengarry Glenn Ross without paying: “It’s cool, I’m a comic. I’ll just stand in the back.”
BROKE: digging through celebrities’ trash WOKE: digging through celebrities’ recycling
Laughter is the best medicine, but it won’t cure the fake disease I made up for my latest piece in @pointsincase.com www.pointsincase.com/articles/for...
Forgive Me, I Ran a Charity 5K but Didn’t Cure Any Diseases
After my performance last Saturday, I cannot in good conscience accept this participation ribbon.
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Pretty ironic how you can’t get a farmer’s tan by wearing a crop top.
I may be part of the Participation Trophy Generation, but think of all the trophy factory jobs we created
EXT. FRENCH BATTLEFIELD - DAY SOLDIER 1: Boy, those English knights came out of nowhere. I’m exhausted. SOLDIER 2: Yeah. I miss my family. SOLDIER 1: I’m sure you’ll be allowed to go home after we win the Hundred Years’ War. SOLDIER 2: What
Reminder: this TikTok ban is going to be really hard on your friends who don’t read. Be sure to reach out and tell them (very slowly) you care.
When it comes to fashion, strippers really can pull off any outfit.
The world needs laughter now than ever, which is why I will not be apologizing for bringing this to a canned food drive.
Notre Dame might be the best school in the country that mispronounces its own name
After seeing too many Westerns and spending too much time on LinkedIn, I wrote this little number for @pointsincase.com www.pointsincase.com/articles/the...
There’s Shareholder Value in Them There Hills
Grab yerself a seat by the fire, take a swig of this here moonshine, and connect with me on LinkedIn.
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