Before the internet we had to shout at books

My skeets use many of the same letters as successful skeets

If dolphins are so smart, why are their arseholes on the back of their heads?

Life is like a box of chocolates: it doesn’t last long if you’re fat

I have a stomach-ache. I hope it’s a baby

How do people know their dogs' names? I can't understand a word mine is saying

Despite the rising costs of living, more and more of us are doing it

Sometimes, I go to bed worrying I won’t be able to think of anything stupid to post in the morning, but then I wake up and realise it’s all going to be ok

Most of my wives think I'm a Mormon

So, you're not allowed to boo in church

Does anyone know what other people are for?

[First day, CSI] Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?” - “Me sir” Inspector: “Did… did ALL the victims have jazz-hands?” - “Sir. Yes sir”

My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some cash, and several of their fingers

Damn girl, are you a magnet? Cos I was attracted to you until you turned around

When my internet goes down, I just go back to ruining my life locally

It's important for me to teach my kids to be independent and self-reliant, because I won't be around forever, especially if I win the lottery

I’m not arrogant BECAUSE I’m the greatest. That’s just a coincidence

Today will be spent trying to persuade my friend Darren to stop leaving gorillas in the mist

Today, in a show of solidarity with my mutuals, I will not be writing any good skeets

*very carefully selects the wrong option*

The first thing I’m going to do is do it later

Having no friends is very affordable

Sorry! Can’t come in to work today. I hate it

Where’s a falling anvil when you need one?

Many of you have been in touch asking if there are instrumental versions of my skeets

People who only “like” your skeets want you to know that they could’ve reskeeted it but chose instead to laugh in the face of your poor, hungry children

Have you guys tried knitting? It tastes horrible

I have no sense of smell, so I find it impossible to determine your mood, health, and what you had for dinner, just by sniffing you

Does anyone know the Greek for “cake”? I want to describe my sexuality scientifically