Glory hole? Son of a preacher man.

“Son of A Preacher Man” is a good soundtrack for life. Driving along a lonesome highway? Son of a preacher man. Eating a wheel of cheese? Son of a preacher man. Having sex with a guy named Billy Ray? Son of a motherfucking preacher man

It’s not drinking alone when your insecurities are always there

there better be a special place in hell for mosquitoes that bite through our clothes

i switched your vaccine out with folgers crystals

Cutting out all liquids from my diet in the hope I turn into a husk and be carried away in a stiff breeze.

Lets play hide and not seek each other.

There is a small red squirrel that does not trip the squirrel resistant feeder. They hang for a bit, gorge, and then leave. The much bigger gray squirrels are nearly incandescent with rage at the feeder, which drops down on their heavier bodies. I am thoroughly enjoying the chaos and squirrel rage

The first step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem

Don't quote me -shitposters on Bluesky

me: i had a dream that johnny appleseed pointed to his wife’s titties & said ‘how you like dem apples’ & then george washington carver pointed to his crotch & said 'how you like deez nuts' my gynecologist: what

I'm at that age that my favorite cover songs are super slow atmospheric versions like you just huffed a rag full of ether and that song happenes to be on the radio, it should take you awhile to figure out what song it is

Any port in a storm

I’m a man of a certain age so I don’t have spa days. I just hang out in random diners while I get my oil changed.

The character that I am performing today is someone who could somehow get through this work day.

Can’t sleep clown will eat me

your doomsday scenario or mine

Only a Novato Through a handheld portal Whispering in your ear Words fit for soliloquy

A good friend will help you with anything except having that first friend and saying "I'd like to go from zero to one with you!" only works on robots

instant gratification isn’t enough. gratification should anticipate what i want

doesn’t crime go down when most people are generally having their basic needs met, or something like that

i have no idea what that means *like*

*checking box to be an organ donor Me: yes pls make sure a nice person gets my vagina DMV clerk:

Turning up to the gates of heaven and someone there is wearing the same fucking jacket

nobody drinks problematically because of alien crop circles anymore

If you could read my mind I really wouldn’t.

No, I would describe her bitch face as very active. I doubt it ever rests.

today's my last day working at a summer school program and all the kids were so sweet except for one boy who asked "why do u look so cool but act so lame" and now this question will haunt me to the end of my days fuck u braden

milestone reached: after telling me my whole life that I can do better, the parents have finally accepted that I can’t yayayay