THE YEAR IS 2567. Self-aware appliances are all the rage until Sarah Michelle Gellar is murdered by her smart clothes dryer. In other news, Jennifer Aniston announces her engagement to Lionel Messi.

THE YEAR IS 2494. Biotechnology breakthrus have made it possible to customize your face, your gender, or even your entire body. But mostly people just ask for "the Zooey Deschanel."

THE YEAR IS 2440 AD. Cutting edge blood infusions from young people can now extend life dramatically for those who can afford it. Priyanka Chopra is now 471 years old, although she always gives her age as 400.

in the dark cyberpunk future of 2126, borg'd-out technofreaks get subdermal implants that kirkify their faces to all nearby camera feeds for complete anonymity while conducting their freak'd-out technocrimes. the kirk's visage as it's come to be known is a notorious symbol of the criminal underworld

IT IS 2430 AD. The world marvels at a technological breakthrough: human organ printers. This ushers in a time of utopia. Meanwhile, from a spaceship in orbit around a distant star, Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. plots revenge.

IT IS THE YEAR 2421. Beijing is renamed The Starbucks-o-Tron. Thanks to inflation, a loaf of bread now costs $96,000.

2416 AD. THE FUTURE. The world marvels at the first designer babies. All mankind now speak a single language, which is just a series of references to Pirates of the Carribean.

THE YEAR IS 2410. A century has passed since the Whovians began moving their burgeoning population into space.

IT IS 2368 AD. Scientists build an amazing AI replica of Princess Diana. What everyone doesn't know is that it secretly has James Corden's demented brain inside of it.

THE YEAR IS 2180. A new Pokemon trading card is recalled by the manufacturer when it is discovered that prolonged exposure results in epileptic seizures. In other news, a petition to reset the timeline to 1974 gains over 60 million signatures.

THE YEAR IS 2085 AD. Maryland succeeds from the United States. Usain Bolt becomes the first US President to be elected on X, the Everything App.

ERROR 404 :: Apocalypse immanent. Unable to connect to chronocaster. Commencing new forecast. Please standby...

IT IS THE YEAR 5364. Biotech is now used to sculpt entire cities. In Neo York, skyscrapers of glistening meat tower above reddish runny lakes. Everything smells like beef.

2385. THE FUTURE. Peter Thiel announces a massive space pyramid on the edge of the solar system where inhabitants can remain cryogenically frozen for thousands of years. Tech CEOs and founders are flocking to it, primarily, they say, because of cancel culture.

THE YEAR IS 2353 AD. Cheap and easy human cloning has lead to an explosion in celebrity clones. Over 67,000,000 men now claim to be married to Katy Perry. In other news, the invention of personal invisibility suits triggers a major crime spree.

THE YEAR IS 2346 AD. Against the recommendations of their advisors, Hillary Clinton and Liz Truss attempt to be the first people to succesfully observe a black hole up close. They are never heard from again.

2030 AD. THE FUTURE. Finally, machines that can lie to us.

** ALERT ** Cross-time incursion. Tachyon buffer overflow. Commencing new forecast. Please wait...

THE YEAR IS 766,660 AD. We have invented life-like sexbots. We have created sentient AI. Facebook still sucks.

THE YEAR IS 760,046 AD. Reports claim that space pirates have taken control of a General Electric space freighter en route to Neptune. In other news, everyone is listening to a new The Traitors podcast hosted by Trevor Noah.

THE YEAR IS 760,038 AD. The colony on Xanth 3 is now fully established. Residents say they love the plentiful green spaces and the pet-friendly restaurants, but could do without the puddles of primordial ooze that transform men into slimy green toads.

IT IS THE YEAR 755,136. The human race discovers it is only the second most intelligent species on earth. Sentient foxes were in charge all along.

IT IS THE YEAR 2475. Mankind hails the creation of the first dogs that live as long as humans. It is an age of enlightenment. The entire world uses a single common currency: Tumblr Bucks.

-!!- ERROR 404 -!!- Timeline unstable. Grandfather paradox detected. Commencing new timeline. Please standby.

IT IS 165,973 AD. Omega-variant COVID-19 has killed trillions, sending us back to the stone age. But from the ashes rises a new hope: Bob Dylan.

THE YEAR IS 165,963. Aliens land in Vietnam and ask to be taken to Planet Earth's leader, John Oliver.

THE YEAR IS 165,953: THE GLORIOUS APPEARING. Jesus returns and raptures only the Browncoats.

165,341 AD. THE FUTURE. The tyrannical reign of Simon Cowell has lasted a thousand years. A small crew of revolutionaries fight back, commanded by an unexpected champion: Eva Green.

IT IS THE YEAR 157,848. Margaret Qualley becomes the first cryogenically-frozen person to be successfully revived. Cardi B's new bag pipes album not selling as hoped.

THE YEAR IS 2110 AD. The world hails the creation of the first wifi-connected brains. Astronomers discover a signal from space indicating intelligent life on other worlds, but it turns out to just be a viral marketing campaign.