All these tech nerds ruining everything is proof that those bullies in 80s teen movies had it right

I need the plot to start twisting my way

It's too funky out there for deodorant to be this expensive

Shoutout to the person who first decided to pull some pork

Wild that you can write a book of fables that will eventually lead to people's rights getting taken away

I'm more likely to be ruptured tomorrow

They'll fight Tylenol before gun control and poverty

Hell- Biden didn’t believe her either.

The Resister Linda Cardwell 🦋💙@cardwell4u.bsky.social · last yr.

Conservatives didn’t believe her.

The idea of Dude Wipes is hilarious to me. Just get some gotdamn baby wipes like a real man

I was trying to eat healthy tonight, but some hotwings caught me and changed my mind

Old people will call you while they're watching the news and tell you everything about it

The only way school prepared me for adulthood was when we played dodgeball

Only queen I acknowledge is dairy

Those holiday naps hit harder than a truck in a Final Destination movie

Writing Yelp reviews for all my neighborhood diners, indicating “not an excessive number of teeth in the omelet” on each.

A van down by the river seems like a good idea in this economy

Would have been a great night to rent a 99 cent movie from Blockbuster

My bladder wakes me up at 3 am like a vengeful spirit

I'm in my 40s and still get ptsd from hearing a school bus in the mornings

Sugar is more deadly and addictive than weed

Codependency is an addiction that doesn't get talked about enough

Any selfie can be a thirst trap if people are thirsty enough

I want the wrong types of people uncomfortable with my existence

Imagine life without the arts. Books and music have saved my life

I'm just going to assume all viral videos are staged or AI until proven otherwise

Sometimes TGIF stands for Tequila Gatorade In Fanta can but that may because I’m a degenerate.

August snuck up on me like childhood trauma

I won $4 playing the Powerball so drinks on me

I do nothing and find out so I might as well fuck around

Try explaning that 1950 was only 75 years ago.