So yeah, I've been thinking about playing some tunes at an open mic...

McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net · 16h ago

"When I plead, 'Why? Why are you doing this? Is it because my intro went on too long? Was it my failed joke?' an older man will spit in my face, 'You know why.' Then, a teenager will snap at me, 'Shut up, freak,' and stuff a dirty sock in my mouth."

Me, "I wanna live forever!" Genie: turns me into a tiny jellyfish

Go Green @ecowarriorss.bsky.social · yesterday

When you kill it, it doesn’t die’: the jellyfish that has cracked the secret of immortality “When this jellyfish gets old or gets hurt, instead of just dying like most animals, it transforms itself back into a baby jellyfish and grows up all over again. .” www.theguardian.com/environment/...

Morrissey to enter hospice care for next 27 years

richie@theregoesrichie.bsky.social · 4d ago

post your worst draft

I considered going to bed at a reasonable time last night but ADHD had other ideas, anyway I made a Jimothy X-Files t-shirt. Available here: robsheridan.threadless.com/collections/... - Proceeds benefit Defenders of Wildlife @defenders.org

Rob Sheridan@rob-sheridan.com · 2w ago

MULDER [slapping down plane tix]: Hope you packed your rain coat, Scully. SCULLY: Seattle? Mulder it's the weekend, what- MULDER [handing her a file] Confirmed sightings, Scully. This is big SCULLY [eyes wide]: My God Mulder, what am I looking at here? MULDER: The locals are calling it.. JIMOTHY

Just saw this little troublemaker, and what I lack in pest control know how, I make up for with random quotes knocking around in my brain

"She has a built-in ability To take everything she sees And now it seems I'm fallin' I'm fallin' for her" How did Phil Collins have an ai girlfriend in the 80s?? #dentistofficethoughts

My old Teisco had stopped working and would only buzz obnoxiously. Opened it up and re-soldered the ground wire, and happily that's all it took to get it buzzing the way I want it to. So here's some arthritic Gen x punk that I found rattling around inside it.

Alcodoodle

*pointing at a picture of mitch mcconnell in hospital* me: rigor tortoise

I'd been fasting since last night ahead of a doctor visit today at 1. Got there, found out the appt was for tomorrow. Leaving the doctor's, got a text that a coworker I worked with yesterday tested pos for covid. Got home to finally eat lunch and a filling broke off of my tooth. What the hell, man!

ELEVEN ANGRY EX-MONKS ROLLING UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT TO THROW THEIR ABBOT IN THE TRUNK OF THEIR CAR AND TAKE OVER THE MONASTERY, WHAT THE FUCK AM I READING

Dr. Harris P. Mosher lecturing at Harvard Medical School in 1929 with a giant papier-mâché model of a human skull, commissioned by Harvard anatomist Thomas Dwight in the 1890s. #vintagephoto

drink less water. clench your jaw. worsen your posture. this is the time of monsters

I was a 911 dispatcher for a decade. To really understand how terrible an idea it is to have AI answer 911 calls, I'll present you with a single real-life call: Upon answer, the caller calmly began ordering a pizza. Large, pepperoni. Side order of chicken wings. To be delivered promptly.

Alex Hanna@alexhanna.bsky.social · 2w ago

AI has no place in 911 calls. From Mystery AI Hype Theater 3000’s latest episode “State of Emergency”. (with @emilymbender.bsky.social)

Art by legendary mangaka Shigeru Mizuki

Generally not terrible except for the blatantly anti-tax question, the stupid jungle primary one (absolutely not), and the marijuana ban (lol. Lmao.)

Jonathan Cohn @jonathancohn.bsky.social · 2w ago

MA officially has 9 ballot questions for this November.

I have created a diorama of the Partridge family attacking the Brady Bunch family. My life is very boring.

I just want to point out that the debate over Daylight Savings Time vs. Standard Time is actually downstream of the fact that Americans work too many hours and have no real control over our work schedules.

it’s worth a fellow’s while to be born into the world, if only to fall right asleep

Wildfire smoke got the center of the solar system showing up like something's wrong with the camera lens. Source of all life on the planet looking like a plastic pumpkin light.

Went out for track in high school and proud to say I still hold the record for the hundred yard stare

Graham Reaper. Is this anything?

It’s like when your food is taking a long time to come out so your server brings some free bread to apologize for the wait.

A few days before Christmas 2016, a grey Land Rover paused in front of a bank of mirrored windows at this checkpoint on the border between France and Switzerland. What happened next revealed just how looted art worms its way into museums. A 🧵 about my article: hyperallergic.com/why-do-so-ma...

him: you ok? me, putting up the halloween decorations: yep

if i were participating in a world soccer tournament i would simply not have accepted a tainted gift from the trickster king of the fae realm

They tell me I’m uncultured, but I’ll always recognise a bit of Beethoven.

Hell yeah, I'm going to be playing all of Brachiosaurus Holotype's albums today!

Ben Miller@extinctmonsters.bsky.social · last mo.

Wait everyone shut up for a second: the discovery of the Brachiosaurus holotype is at the exact midpoint between the founding of the United States and today (July 4, 1901)

Cape Verde defeats Argentina via a 2-3 loss in extra time

Ad Rock: you can disagree with the current All: POPE MCA: but if you push his buttons then you’re a All: DOPE Mike D: ordain yourself a bishop and you’re All: SCHISMATIC Ad Rock: excommunication is All: AUTOMATIC