My pawrents just opened the front door and I ran out and got hit by a passing car

cycling to a new pdf software every 6 months as i am betrayed by the last one

you thought armie hammer was named after arm and hammer since he's the heir to the arm and hammer fortune? no you fool. you absolute buffoon. he is heir to arm and hammer but only because his grandfather was coincidentally named armand hammer and they convinced him to invest.

unknowingly started going to a salon where every employee and customer other than me is korean. just a wonderful thing that can happen to you in toronto, ontario

a CPU is one of the most important parts of a computer. it is short for "computer"

weird to think about how if you're not a homeowner you don't own a toilet

jacking off wearing the Wii Vitality Sensor

always interesting when you go to someone's house and you're like. oh that's what you smell like

ever since i was a child i knew i wanted to blow my head smoove off

can i come over and look at you like this

marco polo was one of the craziest white boys to ever do it. they had never seen a beast him like before and we haven't seen his like since

mom is going to see bruno mars this weekend so it's been a big weekend for me trying to say every phrase to the rhythm of "uptown funk you up, uptown funk you up"

it's pouring rain so i snuck into an apartment building to eat my burrito indoors. after 5 minutes a huge lineup formed for the elevator that just didn't come. you guys clearly need to move out, this place sucks. the elevator is faulty and plus you've got ne'er-do-wells eating burritos in the lobby.

i wonder if i am the only person to have drunk a hand brew out of the Drogheda Funtasia holographic mug

gotta imagine there's at least a segment of this stadium absolutely fuming mad when they see something like "Diversity🍁Our🍁Strength"

Turning on my microsoft teams camera and you can see a noose and chair in the background

smoking on that shit that made the resident evil

they're saying cellino touched on barnes that's why he's quiet

i woke up at 4am from the thunder and lightning and couldn't get back to sleep so i ended up playing several hours of chrono trigger

(as a donkey walks by) ah the noble donkey! (donkey moves out of earshot) foolish beast

there's several plausible ways to pronounce "pokemon" but basically only one forbidden way so if you're below the age of 50 and you pronounce it "pokey mon" i basically think you should kill yourself

cat's in a bad mood because he saw a string and then moved it around a bit

in Ooze City people greet each other with stuff like "it's goo to meet you" "the pleasure is all slime"