Getting all the car meetup guys to agree that we miss the simplicity and elegance of the early 90s truckasauruses

(me to movie concession guy): whatever size you have that I can strap to my face like a feedbag! ha ha (other patron at the Equiniplex, the movie theater where humans and horses watch movies together): *under breath* jesus christ dude

“Her T-Zone Calls Me Home” by Johnny Sebum and the Oily Boys

The Akron Marathon hands out tiny cups of electrolyte-enhanced Buttermilk Sport Ranch

her: we're just going to have a lowkey relaxing trip this time right? me (putting on a playlist called Worm Intruder and watching my neighbor through binoculars): absolutely babe

Telling the Nordstrom lady that I want an outfit that says "Summery Wraith"

Sunday news chyron: Can We Trust What The Crystals Tell Us?

I'm creating a new dance move called the Structural Element, and we're gonna need aaalllll the Certified Professional Engineers to get on the dancefloor with their stamps inked up

Now we know we can’t get access to the Airport Club Lounge. But, we can recreate it in the aggregate

(tavern comedian): ya see these formations and it’s like why don’t they make the whole footsoldier out of the shield? (inventor of armor, spitting out mead): fetch my scribe!

Strain of MJ glinting with silvery spectra called Director’s Commentary

Students will be able to dig a World War I style trench

If you yuck my yuck, I’m calling yuckback

Claiming some break room ice cubes by writing my name on them

(taking my wife by the hand to show her the steak i’m searing) See that honey? See how it’s turning brown? (wrapping my arms around her and closing my eyes blissfully) Its the Dunning Kruger reaction

Gassing my friend up by saying she looks good enough to model at Menard’s

Merlin Bird ID but for people chewing loudly

You’re giving Small Craft Advisory I’m serving Flash Flood Warning

I’m at the science museum café trying to order a Food Web

I have been eliminated from the knockout stage of the World Cup of Emailng

Vuori saleslady: Anything in particular you’re shopping for? Me: Do you have clothes that can survive transit through a portal?

from:redwallfeasts.bsky.social dirty soda

If you’re at a wedding and need to make a toast: “To your many personable and noble intimacies” TYMPANI

A Good Friend will bail you out of jail But your Best Friend Doctor will be sitting next to you saying "I am going to spend my life practicing medicine within this jail"

Hey everyone, let’s strive to make music for sprockets of any moistness

(into drive thru speaker): I said a HANK of MUTTON

The grocery store has a new aisle rated Black Diamond

We’re up in VIP kicking open treasure chests