(taking my wife by the hand to show her the steak i’m searing) See that honey? See how it’s turning brown? (wrapping my arms around her and closing my eyes blissfully) Its the Dunning Kruger reaction
WIFE: (MFA from RISD) I thought a lot of her points were astute, even if her obvious bias for classics made a poor replacement for film criticism specifically, you know? ME: (just found out only yesterday that flies aren't food) I don't feel good. I can still feel some of them moving inside of me.
another good question is why is yorgos lanthimos shooting michigan town council meetings
More Perfect Union@moreperfectunion.bsky.social · 4w agoIn a hearing where residents grilled officials on data centers, a resident of Tyrone Township, Michigan, asked a simple question: Have you signed an NDA with any party regarding developments that could affect the town? The majority of the township's officials refused to answer.
(approaching a home depot employee helping a customer): y’all talking about Sartre’s No Exit?
in honor of james carville being in the news again, i wrote a song about him. it’s called “i had sex with james carville”
Ultimately, the Shawshank Redemption is a movie about hope. You hope that the warden crushes the spirit of Andy Dufresne
getting pissed off imagining some guy arguing about "separating the post from the poster"
@tokyohearse domestic partnerships fell off @domesticjim ? @tokyohearse they fell of @domesticsteve ? @tokyohearse are you guys together @homewreckerterry Not for long. @tokyohearse out of my mentions terry. @canadians4newsom James & Steven - Pls Watch Out 4 Terry
My Date: … Oh! I have a fun story. I saw Tom Hardy at Ralph’s the other day! He seemed really sweet… He’s such a good actor too… Do you—who’s one of your favorite actors…? Me:
pauline kael bot@paulinekaelbot.bsky.social · 12mo agoShelley Duvall may be the closest thing we’ve ever come to a female Buster Keaton; her eccentric grace is like his—it seems to come from the inside out. And the exaggerated sensitivity in her face might be called an equivalent of his mask of isolation. (1980)
oh thank god. we were able to use ring’s search party feature to track down our shiba, Mr. Garry, who ran away last week. now it’s just back to keeping him away from belts and locking the oven door 😅
Asking the guy at Burger King what his favorite thing on the menu is and then saying “ew!” and ordering something else
theres a certain kind of woman who loves being the “what floor?” delegate on elevators. and over the past week, she has grown to support full-body vasectomies for ice agents
chaos in the household. my son is trying meditation this year but he keeps shouting “it’s not working”. my wife’s book club got ruined by termites. and my wife’s mother, who is here after her condo fell in a sinkhole, is on facebook all day watching ai videos of golden retrievers bombing venezuela.
i actually think bari weiss isn’t front-facing enough. they should put her on all of cbs, not just the news . have her sideline report on chargers games. stephen colberts new sidekick. hero cop who survives a yacht explosion on ncis: hawaii. the people want more bari.
anyone who doesnt use copilot, gemini, chatspt, x the everything app, and the promo code i have in my bio for pumpkin spice flavored sildenafil that gives us both $8 back is my sworn enemy.
ME: Hey Chief! Check this out! (balancing a pen on my nose) POLICE CHIEF: That’s wonderful, Detective. Where are we at on the Amelia Earhart case? ME: We found her but shes straight now
sending the worst person you know jpeg to my son when he texts me he wants a hamster for christmas
ME: damn. they fucked his shit up. OTHER LAW & ORDER DETECTIVES: that’s not really the kind of language we like to use in this unit.
had a wonderful vision: sitting patiently at the dentist’s office while Sunbather plays in its entirety over the 60kbps waiting room speakers
imagining rfk playing the lead in stephen sondheim’s “company”