Every ad now: Our legal department wants us DEAD! Our bosses said it’s, “into the wood chipper” with us! The shareholders’ hunting dogs are nipping at our blistered heels! Because guess what: we’ve just made our leggings TOO SOFT!
if i open the app and scroll through 20 posts without once experiencing delight, then you have all failed me
if they didn't want me to take a lil sip of the liquid ant bait, they wouldn't put it in the same pull-tab bottles as kool-aid bursts
the bees and wasps are getting a little too comfortable with landing on my ears. i need to implement consequences
regulating online safety is so important. that's why in the near future you'll be required to submit a sound-on orgasm video to the FBI as collateral every time you access your property manager's rent payment portal
how are you going to spend your remaining two years to live? i think i'll just keep doing my usual stuff
god gave me bisexuality and every day i waste his gift by choosing mid-century postmodern american literature over sucking and fucking
if everyone reading this screams as loud as they can for five uninterrupted seconds we can maybe get a write-up in the local news about "the post that makes you scream when you read it"
final girl: I know it's cliché but we have to split up and search for the witch's bones. We're running out of time. nerdy guy: I reaaally don't like this... guy who has a fetish for walking into cobwebs: I'll check the basement and attic.
i'm worried i'll lose the rap battle, so over the last month i've been slowly rap poisoning my opponent
if you're a woman they only let you buy books about orcs getting fingered in coffee shops. i walked up to the counter with swann's way and the cashier attacked me with a hammer
my most toxic trait has got to be my retractable venomous barbs
my dream husband watches 9 hours of northernlion vods every day and quotes them at me when i get home from work
me and the boys didn't know what to talk about so i threw up on the floor and they all had a lot to say about it
i'm so exhausted... but i don't want to sleep through 1/3rd of my life. i want to be present in the moment for the whole thing
i'm making big moves but in a way that's hard for you guys to care about
i'm not clicking for 2 blessings from the Computer Angel. i don't think i deserve them
don't worry guys i'm cleaning all the gunk off my 1/2" gauge earrings
i wore my running shoes to work in case i need to run
the lloyd center isn't a dead mall, it's just that it's only alive with amateur photographers who still post liminal space backrooms aura content on instagram
there was a spider the size of my thumb right above my bed so i decided not to sleep tonight
when you attack an enemy, you must make an Action Value check. you and the enemy each roll two dice, and each Action Value is the total of the roll plus level. the attack with the higher Action Value hits. i guess next i should show you where the mop sink is. wait, did josh show you how to clock in?
no one: no one: absolutely no one: a tree falling in the woods:
i don't normally kiss on the first date, but i really liked how you waited 28 full seconds before saying "when" on the parmesan. haha of course i counted, babe. that's when i decided to throw caution to the wind... that's when i *knew*...
if you're really trying to veil something, i'd steer clear of doing it thinly
not every post has to be funny. some of them can be cries for help too