Chip Chantry
@chipchantry.bsky.social
Comedian, writer, twenty-third President of the United States. Seen on Netflix's TIRES. Check out my new special, MOVE CLOSER, on Youtube. https://youtu.be/_QKarKuuTdU?si=1cU6miLvUcs16w9-
Hey guys, I want to get ahead of this. Yes, @chipchantry.bsky.social and I broke into a French chateau and stole Daft Punk's helmets and have been touring the Northeast (Philadelphia) pretending to be Daft Punk and an angry Philly crowd chased us and beat us with the helmets when they found out.
QUESTION: if you could be President of the United States for ONE day, who would be your diaper changing assistant? 
There’s nothing stopping you from bringing an urn to the beach, filling it with sand, and then walking around, spreading that sand all over the crowded beach.
As my wife and I walked on the beach to watch the sunrise, I whispered in her ear, “The guy from the band Folk Implosion who did the song Natural One on the Kids soundtrack is actually the bass player for Dinosaur Jr.”
Only been on vacation for two hours and the week it already ruined by the amount of grown men I’ve seen wearing Crocs.
UPDATE: My alpha male training camp has been cancelled, because it’s a little too muggy out. We’ll shoot for next weekend, boys!
It’s so weird how some middle schools and high schools make kids take showers after gym class. My middle school never did that. They just had us take baths together. 
“Sovereign citizen. Sovereign citizen. Sovereign citizen. Watch out- Sovereign citizen.” -me, pushing to the front of the line at Dairy Queen
Please have some compassion. Regardless of your political affiliation, allow the White House time to step back and reflect(ing pool hoax).
When you meet someone, instead of asking them what they do for a living, ask them a much more interesting question, such as: “What are you passionate about?” “What scares you when you are all alone?” “Who is your least favorite Harlem Globetrotter?”  “Why did you kill her, Geoff?”
UPDATE: The barbershop quartet that @gojeffgo.com and I co-founded is officially ceasing operations due to continued hazing allegations. Jeff, myself and the others are taking time to reflect and be with our families.
Just wanted to come on here and say that today it’s officially been TWO YEARS since I went no-contact with my aromatherapist, Gary.
Does anyone else find it a LITTLE suspicious that Gilligan and the rest of the passengers just HAPPENED to have gotten shipwrecked on an island called GILLIGAN'S Island?
Like him or not, he is certainly the late GREAT Mitch McConnell.
With LeBron joining the Sixers, I think I’m finally going to replace my Mike Gminski jersey.
Looking for a no-nonsense balloon animal artist for my nephew Bladen's 5th birthday party. Needs to be adept at balloon animals, but also doesn't put up with any of the kids' shit. Aloof is ok, but gruff and not afraid to yell preferred. Serious artists only.
I've had abandonment issues ever since the kid I was in the buddy system with at camp in 3rd grade left me out of nowhere, RIGHT in the middle of our swim across the lake. No goodbyes or anything. Never figured out where he went.
Alexi Lalas could be describing two monkeys having sex in real time and make it sound boring.
Lionel Messi has the face of your wife’s friend’s husband that she makes you hang out with.
I am the new Andrew Tate. Men, in my program, you will learn how to be a TRUE alpha. But also it will mostly be 90s music trivia.
Does all this smoke mean they’ve picked a new Mitch McConnell?
Someone just sent me this photo from Chicago, unbelieveable
I just really love the Will They/Won't They runner of the Strait of Hormuz.
Oh, FINALLY when the conversation gets interesting, the loud couple at the table next to us starts whispering.
PLEASE stop it with these Lindsay Graham jokes. He may be gone, but his wife can probably see them.
Maturity is learning that a sarcastic thumbs up is much more devastating than giving the middle finger.
Stairway to Heaven is 8:03 long. I’ve Seen All Good People by Yes is 6:57 long. SIR PSYCHO SEXY BY THE RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS IS EIGHT MINUTES AND SIXTEEN SECONDS LONG.
If you want to stop a Boomer in their tracks and make them break down, tell them that their home value is going to decrease slightly. If you want to stop a GenXer in their tracks and make them break down, just play Nightswimming.