Tessera
Folgen

Commander's Herald

@commanders-herald.bsky.social

Your #1 Source for Satire Made To Sound Like Magic: The Gathering News!

265 Posts388 Follower59 Folgt
Commander's Herald@commanders-herald.bsky.social · 8h ago

Wizards of the Coast recently announced Dungeons and Dragons Universes Beyond, a product guaranteed to have fans Googling “what the hell are those Spider-Man D&D books called again?” We’ve got you covered with this clear and concise guide.

D&D Universes Beyond Not To Be Confused With Universes Beyond D&D or D&D Beyond | Commander's Herald

Wizards of the Coast recently announced Dungeons and Dragons Universes Beyond, a product guaranteed to have fans Googling “what the hell are those Spider-Man D&D books called again?” We’ve got you cov...

commandersherald.com

Commander's Herald@commanders-herald.bsky.social · 4d ago

CLAIM: The Hall of Fame is just and Old Boys Club for long-entrenched players. FICTION – WotC was sure to include 4 women as part of the selection committee. 10% of the group, just like the global population.

Fact or Fiction: The Return of the MTG Hall of Fame | Commander's Herald

At MagicCon Amsterdam, Wizards of the Coast announced the return of its Hall of Fame. Once a mainstay of the competitive scene, the Hall was suspended during the pandemic, and finally making a return ...

commandersherald.com

Commander's Herald@commanders-herald.bsky.social · 5d ago

"It’s The Lord of the Rings: The Rings of Power. The Amazon Prime Video series. The one that always shows up in the recommended section after you finish watching Fallout or The Boys.”

WOTC Announces 'Rings of Power' Set is Ready to Print; Just Waiting for Show's Cancellation | Commander's Herald

Amsterdam, Netherlands–We here at The Herald have a powerful drive to cover breaking Magic: the Gathering news as soon as it is released to the public. We also have a corporate expense card we regular...

commandersherald.com

Commander's Herald@commanders-herald.bsky.social · 6d ago

Green is about investing time and effort towards a late-game payoff, red is more about snorting a line and shouting "I'm gonna live forever!" and running at the speed of sound for 10-15 seconds before cracking your head on a telephone pole and going to the hospital.

Craterclaw Colossus Was Designed To Upset Me, Specifically | Commander's Herald

Green is about investing time and effort towards a late-game payoff, red is more about snorting a line and shouting "I'm gonna live forever!" and running at the speed of sound for 10-15 seconds before...

commandersherald.com

Commander's Herald@commanders-herald.bsky.social · last wk.

“*Jus primae noctis*, or the idea that medieval noblemen had the legal right to the first mulligan on their serfs’ wedding nights, may have been an ahistorical fiction, but the reality of *jus primae Nauctis* is not up for debate."

Hasbro Claims Right of Primae Nauctis | Commander's Herald

RENTON, WA — In a controversial move, Hasbro has just invoked the company’s right of *primae Nauctis*, announcing its intention to ring in FY 2027 by getting its Cocks wet. “*Jus primae noctis*, or th...

commandersherald.com

Commander's Herald@commanders-herald.bsky.social · 2w ago

“When we were all playing the Lord of the Rings prerelease, I pulled a copy of Aragorn, and every time I would say, like, ‘tap three for Aragorn,’ he would go ‘black Aragorn.’ Like he was correcting me.”

Local Racist Hospitalized After Zhalfir Announcement | Commander's Herald

Boston, Massachusetts — At 6:45 PM on Friday, July 17th, local racist Buck Carson was taken to Beth Israel following what doctors suspect may have been a heart attack. Sources close to Carson say that...

commandersherald.com

Commander's Herald@commanders-herald.bsky.social · 2w ago

The Herald reached out to the FDA for comment from the federal level, but heard only a lengthy hiss on the line before being redirected to Cheryl Hines' personal cell phone. Ms. Hines, the wife of Secretary of Health and Human Services Robert F. Kennedy Jr.

Game Store's Strict "No Vegetables" Policy Paying Dividends During Diarrhea Outbreak | Commander's Herald

Dismissed as irrational, an LGS's "No Vegetables" rule is now a model for public health preparedness during the Cyclospora diarrhea outbreak.

commandersherald.com

Commander's Herald@commanders-herald.bsky.social · 2w ago

In 2373 on the formerly Cardassian space station Deep Space Nine in orbit around the planet of Bajor, Jake Sisko said the sentence that perfectly sums up humanity’s economic situation in the 24th century: “I’m human, I don’t have any money.”

WotC Using UB: Star Trek to Help Customers Recreate Federation Humans' Lack of Money | Commander's Herald

San Francisco, CA — In 2373 on the formerly Cardassian space station Deep Space Nine in orbit around the planet of Bajor, Jake Sisko said the sentence that perfectly sums up humanity’s economic situat...

commandersherald.com

Commander's Herald@commanders-herald.bsky.social · 2w ago

“Wow: on the one hand it’s pretty shocking they’re referencing that KKK card they keep censoring everywhere; however, holy shit this is gonna go so hard in my Ms. Bumbleflower deck.”

Fans Unsure How To Feel About Reality Fracture Spoiler Card "Invoke Tolerance" | Commander's Herald

THE INTERNET – Buzz has been expectedly loud around new cards that premiered at MagicCon: Amsterdam over the weekend, including cards from the highly-anticipated in-universe set Reality Fracture. Base...

commandersherald.com

Commander's Herald@commanders-herald.bsky.social · 2w ago

Giant monsters attack the shoreline, and humanity (in Magic’s case, humanity and also fox-manity and rat-manity and all the other fursonas running around Kamigawa) has to build giant mechs to fight back. It’s not new, it’s not innovative. It’s been done before. AND I DON’T GIVE A SHIIIIIIIIIIT!!!

Kamigawa: Titanbreach Would Be Lazy If It Wasn't So Sick | Commander's Herald

On Friday, at MagiCon: Amsterdam, Wizards of the Coast announced the three upcoming in-universe Magic: The Gathering sets for 2027–and one of them is a combination of two planes we’ve seen before. Kam...

commandersherald.com

Commander's Herald@commanders-herald.bsky.social · 3w ago

“Since it’s apparently a national landmark now, the rent has skyrocketed in the neighborhood. It’s nearly doubled in the shrieking maw that became the tower’s shadow, and I really don’t want to move out to the suburbs. The transit situation alone will be a nightmare."

Chicago South Side Natives, Liberals Conflicted About Obama's Newly Erected Phyrexian Tower | Commander's Herald

Chicago, IL — The groundbreaking of former president Barack Obama’s presidential library in Chicago’s South Side has been met with varying responses from both locals and liberals nationwide, ranging f...

commandersherald.com

Commander's Herald@commanders-herald.bsky.social · 3w ago

Ed note: this article was made before today's Jace reveal. “We called him Vacation Jace, cause he was always off playing pirates or partying with other planeswalkers. And who do you think paid for all those exotic trips? The hard-working Ravnican taxpayer. That’s who.”

"Vote Blue No Matter Who" Says DNC Rep as Jace Unravels Entire Multiverse | Commander's Herald

WASHINGTON D.C. — A representative of the Democratic Party issued an official statement on , the controversial mage currently tearing the multiverse apart. Despite his recent actions and controversies...

commandersherald.com

Commander's Herald@commanders-herald.bsky.social · 3w ago

The new school year is right around the corner. If this sends a shiver down your spine as a parent, it may be because your child was one of the many who didn’t make it into this year’s class at Strixhaven, the premier academy of education on the plane of Arcavios.

Seven Alternate Options for Students That Didn't Get Into Strixhaven | Commander's Herald

The new school year is right around the corner. If this sends a shiver down your spine as a parent, it may be because your child was one of the many who didn’t make it into this year’s class at Strixh...

commandersherald.com

Commander's Herald@commanders-herald.bsky.social · 3w ago

We on the Herald staff took our time examining why certain cards have been banned and whether they should continue to be. With the changes we’ve made, we hope to encourage self-expression, memorable gameplay, and the rapid liquidation of our store’s inventory.

Announcing Herald Commander! A New Format With a Ban List Determined By Thorough Review of Our Online Store | Commander's Herald

Check out our new Commander format, with all unbans carefully selected to be fair, balanced, and also on our list of cards to sell.

commandersherald.com

Commander's Herald@commanders-herald.bsky.social · 4w ago

Nerd shit is all the rage now! Dungeons and Dragons live shows sell out Madison Square Garden and Magic: the Gathering is so popular it is almost singlehandedly keeping Hasbro’s failing games company afloat! So to keep up with the times, I’m looking to add two new psychographics to Mark’s list.

Mocking Magic: Timmy, Johnny, Spike, Jordan, and Blorbo | Commander's Herald

March 8, 2002, MtG Head Designer Mark Rosewater authored an article in his column Making Magic entitled “Timmy, Johnny, and Spike“, and the most annoying person at your LGS finally found something to ...

commandersherald.com

Commander's Herald@commanders-herald.bsky.social · 4w ago

“I was horrified when I found what was in this new Magic set. How am I supposed to explain to the teachers at my child’s school that he thinks defending the actions of the United States Government is morally acceptable?”

Critics Oppose Marvel Set's Inclusion of Fascist Groups Hydra and US Government | Commander's Herald

Renton, WA – Outside the Wizards of the Coast headquarters today nearly a dozen protesters gathered to announce their objection to the new Marvel Super Heroes set and its inclusion of characters that ...

commandersherald.com

Commander's Herald@commanders-herald.bsky.social · 4w ago

Items such as: Secret Lair: Jeskai War Crimes Contains such patriotic cards as Annex, Weapons Manufacturing, and Illusion of Choice!

List: Top Items In The Great American State Fair Festival In A Box | Commander's Herald

10. Box Art Depicting Trump On This Year’s US Men’s National Team for the World Cup Beautifully-generated art celebrating the team of winners who we’ll be cheering on as they dominate the worl…oops, n...

commandersherald.com

Commander's Herald@commanders-herald.bsky.social · last mo.

“This fandom’s been sitting quietly for the last year waiting for more game to come, and they couldn’t wait until I was done with my classes and my evening shift at Jewel-Osco to scream online about the song that plays when Asriel killing Onionsan.”

Deltarune Fans Furious At WotC's Constant Spoiler Seasons | Commander's Herald

[Disclaimer: I’ve played all of Chapter 5, every specific spoiler in this article is a joke. Or maybe not. You’ll never know until you play it yourself.] Chicago, IL — Following the release of Deltaru...

commandersherald.com

The Onion@theonion.com · last mo.

“We’re getting very close to meeting our objectives as we move toward winding down humanity’s presence on planet Earth,” Trump said during a press conference meant to address concerns over the world’s duration

Trump Indicates Desire For Speedy End To World

WASHINGTON—Stating that he hoped action in the region would draw to a close in the coming weeks, President Donald Trump made comments Wednesday indicating his desire for a speedy end to the entire wor...

theonion.com

Commander's Herald@commanders-herald.bsky.social · last mo.

"If you gave us hard earned mana this past month, don’t worry it’s not going anywhere as steps and phases end. It’s staying right here where it will continue to accumulate and not actually help anybody we were sharing stock photos of on social media.”

Omnath Back To Mono Green Now That Pride Month Is Over | Commander's Herald

It remains strictly monocolored when traveling to Portal Three Kingdoms, any Universes Beyond product from the U.K., and of course Inndianastrad.

commandersherald.com

Commander's Herald@commanders-herald.bsky.social · last mo.

“How can you organize more than 4,000 decks, but organizing the garage is an insurmountable challenge?” First of all, I have undiagnosed arachnophobia, and I’m unmedicated. I didn’t sign up to be interrogated.

My Wife Found My Moxfield And Wants to Talk | Commander's Herald

My wife found my Moxfield, and now I'm in trouble. Sorry, I like to organize my 4,000 Commander decks. I didn't know hobbies were illegal.

commandersherald.com

Commander's Herald@commanders-herald.bsky.social · last mo.

Reporters could neither confirm or deny the allegations from inside the pool due to the Gleaming Barrier that was quickly assembled around it. Now experts are claiming that the liner was sabotaged. Incredible how quickly they found the damage after no one else was allowed to look at it.

Reflecting Pool Maintains 100% Winrate Versus Narcissists | Commander's Herald

WASHINGTON DC – Echoing back to the Greek myth from which it took its name, has maintained a 100% win rate against narcissists. In its most recent test, the narcissist in question maintained that his ...

commandersherald.com

Commander's Herald@commanders-herald.bsky.social · last mo.

Norn: I have always been Phyrexian. I lack your human perspective. Interviewer: And you’re incapable of empathy. Norn: I do not know that word in your ugly human tongue.

INTERVIEW: Elesh Norn After Swords To Plowshares | Commander's Herald

I stare out the window of the mud-caked pickup truck, my transition lenses blocking as much of the sunlight as they can while the endless plains slowly roll by. We’ve been driving for nearly half an h...

commandersherald.com

Dan Sheehan@dansheehan.bsky.social · last mo.

RIP to Ron Spears, one of the all time great Magic artists. His work, equal parts otherworldly and evocative, was a huge part of what drew me to the game as a kid. He was one of the best artists in fantasy and it's heartbreaking to see him go.

BildBildBild
McSweeney's@mcsweeneys.net · last mo.

"You did not paddle through the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool to participate in a national metaphor. To you, this was not a site of national remembrance, civic pilgrimage, or the weigh-in for a nationally televised cage match bloodsport. It was simply water."

An Open Letter to the Dead Duck Seen Floating In the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool

“You did not paddle through the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool to participate in a national metaphor. To you, this was not a site of national remembrance, ...

buff.ly

Commander's Herald@commanders-herald.bsky.social · last mo.

The subscription will be the fourth tier of the service, after the base subscription, Nintendo Switch Online + Expansion Pack, and Nintendo Switch Online + Expansion Pack + That Caveman Tower Building Game That We Never Got Around To Naming Because I Don’t Think We Ever Technically Announced It.

Nintendo Announces New "Before You Paid Rent" Subscription Service Featuring 90's Remakes | Commander's Herald

Redmond, WA — Following the recent announcements of Star Fox (2026) and The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (2026), Nintendo announced in a press release to Commander’s Herald’s new, extremely unders...

commandersherald.com