Can't even crash properly

Question for all Democrats who declare they'll leave the party if such or such Democratic Socialist gets elected: So, you prefer fascism?

Big reveal: I was the player to be named later.

OBAMA 2028 Since rules don't exist anymore.

This email could have been a Google search.

In Canada, it's Civic Day, while in the US, we wish it were Escape Day.

I WANT A GUARD DONKEY

You know what they say. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, a plague on both your houses.

When I was in middle school, my mom made me go to confirmation classes on Wednesdays. At the end, we had to write a paper about Jesus or whatever and read it in front of the congregation. My paper was about how I didn’t believe in god. Obvi I didn’t read that for anyone. Fuck public speaking anyway.

Literally the one job that would be done better by AI.

Ocean's ELEVEN? In this economy?

Native Minnow@nativeminnow.bsky.social · 4d ago

The TEN Commandments? In this economy?

Nine men out? In this economy?

gene rayburn@generayburn.com · 4d ago

EIGHT is enough? In this economy?

Happy August

I've walked into that theater with the tickets on my phone dozens of times and never had the person at the counter ask me which movie I was going to see. I looked her in the eye and said "I Want Your Sex".

Spider-Man: Brand New Day 145 minutes Easily could have been 90

David@eccherdavid.bsky.social · 3w ago

Movies are too long these days. Running Man remake, 133 minutes, could have been 90 Roadhouse remake, 121 minutes, could have been 90 Eddington, 148 minutes, could have been zero

Anyone want to bet that when all of MusX unravels, it will reveal accounting fraud that makes Enron look like a math error?

A picture is worth a thousand words, so send 1,000 nudes and you've written a novel. Happy Friday

Proposed: anyone who holds an elected position and wants to leave the political party they are in, must resign and seek reelection.

It's sticky out And It's sticking out Are two very different things. Please enunciate.

When Republicans say they want to make America great again, apparently they mean returning to the halcyon days of dysentery and measles epidemics

It's hard to believe, but Rand Paul is only the second shittiest Senator from Kentucky. I mean, the bar is pretty low.

Make today a Weekend Wednesday. It's like minimal Monday, but mid week.

Starting Thursday in Indianapolis @heliumcomedyind w @jaredlogan and @gwenderwoman_ after? in the midst? of @gen_con come see some dorky rage at the machine filled comedy. jackiekashian.com or indianapolis.heliumcomedy.com for info and tickets.

I can't ride the carousel, I can't accept unauthorized rides, what fun is left?

Want to know how disturbing and stressful my dreams are becoming? Last night involved golf.

Picked this from the "available now" list. It was quite good.

What’s your sign?

Stacey Burns@wentrogue.bsky.social · last wk.

what’s your sign

Business travelers doing conference calls in the airport. -A psychological horror story

If I haven't seen your boobs, you've missed out on the opportunity to hear me say "Nice boobs".