Just been stood in a 6 people deep single file queue for a bar because I thought going landscape and pushing in would be considered an act of war. I am the epitome of sheeple. I’m sorry I failed you all.

My mum asked me yesterday if belly buttons can close up over time if you’ve ever wondered how miraculous my survival into adulthood has been.

Right. Let’s have a wee dram for a night cap and turn in. Big love you bunch of very kind but generally a bit weird strangers from the internet.

Just found out the lodger died. Epic battle hard fought sunshine. No doubt you’ve got to the pearly gates and called St Peter a cunt so I’ll see you down below when I get there. #fuckcancer

I’ve made the school girl error of washing all my bedding at the same time including the pillows, so tonight I’m going to have to sleep in the spare room like I’m visiting an awkward relatives house.

My girlfriend just said I was rubbish at describing her. She's got a cheek.

Good morning star sailors, may your coffee pop some rich brown electricity into your veins, your toast be lavishly buttered and golden like the hair of a flaxen maiden and your morning wood give your tummy and butthole butterflies. Go well into the weekend chums.

Today’s #workstuff

I’ve travelled the lands this week, I’ve been to Manchester, Camberley, Chipping Camden and tomorrow I’m at Wembley doing some work stuff and boozing (I hope there’s booze) I could do with a sit down tbqhwy

Things I would pop on a bonfire: - Broad beans - The person who was driving in lane 3 of the M1 southbound this afternoon at 59mph with their full beams on in broad daylight burning the shitting retinas out of everyone.

For whoever is interested QVC have got a banger of an Elemis deal on at the moment.

Good morning. I don't know who did this, but I love you.

Let's just take a moment to reflect on the self-sacrifice and hope this person embodies - not the evil, hateful monsters thirsting for violence.

Been t’seaside had a fantastic Sunday lunch at North in Seaburn. Good weekending. #beefonthetimeline

You know what I really love about Halloween. Living in a gated community. Hands off my haribo you little fucking urchins.

Anyway how are things? All good? Any dramas? Anyone won a 5 metre swimming badge to sew onto their trunks or a bare knuckle boxing match?

I read that as Prince Andrew gives up royal titties and I imagined him handing them back on a red velvet cushion and a beefeater rinsing them off in alcohol solution before locking them in a box of shame in the tower. Anyway I got that wrong so there’s that.

Oh hello Jesmond you little minx #upthetoon

Just asked mum what she wants for Christmas and she wants a CD player. *checks to see how far the clocks actually went back last night

The random yet oddly specific things my mum asks for No. 397

It’s nice out today.

i’m sorry but vampire babies are just too fucking adorable

I stood on a hidden raspberry that was lurking next to the kitchen skirting earlier and now my stair carpet looks like I’ve killed and skinned Mr Blobby. So that’s my evening sorted *dons marigolds and gets the upholstery spray out

Thursday tomorrow which means #bins don’t forget to pop it out or you’ll have a fortnight of bin juice concerns.

Things I have acquired this week: 4 dining chairs from ebay New fluffy slippers that are like warm hugs for my ever cold feet A boyfriend

Do you think people are named Dirk because when the parents registered the birth they said Derek too fast?

How me and my mates like to be referred to when we’re at legs, bums and tums class.

Next door have been having a room party since 1am and apparently the hotel has no other rooms available to move me too. Just been down to reception in my pjs and told them they’re a bunch of shit houses which hasn’t helped the situation but has made me feel slightly better.

The M62 is a very stressful road.

Me in a previous era. About 1984, with my grandad, proving that I was a bad ass bitch (and accomplished goalkeeper) from a very early age.

Get Set Willy ✌🏽@dairycontrary.bsky.social · 12mo ago

Me in a previous era. Late 30's, at the end of the lens, at a lovely wedding in Ibiza.