it looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong

“So, what’s next?” “Wanna shit on some cars?” “Like last night.” “Well, yeah.” “And the night before.” “What’s your point, Artie?” “Nothing, let’s go.” “C’mon, what’s wrong?” “Just a touch of ennui, I guess.” “Let’s go find you a nice shiny Tesla.” “Okay, that might cheer me up.”

they’ll figure it out if they get hungry enough

The cats graciously put on a magic show for us last night. I figured out how they did most of the tricks, but I didn’t say anything, because that would have been rude.

“How does the book say to ask?” “May I please have some food.” “And, what did YOU say?” “I don’t remember.” “What did YOU say?” “Gimme food, bitch.” “See the difference?” “I guess.”

If you walk into a meeting and look around the table and you’re not sure who the ninja is, it could be you. But it’s more likely that the real one is in the crawl space above the ceiling tiles.

I dunno what's "in it" for me but if "it" is a way to get a good italics effect across without copying and pasting from devils quotation finger websites then count me 𝘪𝘯 oh shit this is the 𝘤𝘳𝘰𝘴𝘴𝘳𝘰𝘢𝘥𝘴 isn't it

You see love and scurry towards it is that what you're supposed to do. You little rat for love. I think it's cute but then again I'll nibble away at a mild interest, I don't give a cupid's ass

watching a show with this character who threw up on herself and hasn't taken a shower yet, and I found myself yelling in defense of her, "look she's having a bad day, she's doing something," so I'm just letting y'all know that's the state of my union

if you want me to apologize for the stupid thing i said you’re going to have to be more specific

your memory foam mattress won’t stop crying

in my free time i enjoy running, gardening, and being such an idiot online that people question my sanity as well as my level of education

Me to my grandkids: The year was 2026. Candy bars cost 5 bucks. Only millionaires had doctors. We won the war with Iran 50 times. But did we complain?? Fuckin bitch-ass shit yes, we did

fingers crossed 🤞🏼

I believe my calzone is in your vestibule

I’ve reached the age where “doing nothing” is a valid and exciting weekend plan.

don’t force the grandeur, you must allow the delusions to form organically

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, give them a hard time for taking so long, say "it's fine", then ignore them.

Never bring a wrong to a right fight.

Best job i ever had at the zoo was helping the Meerkats apply their eye liner in the morning before the visitors arrived

I only know two things... people are overated and never play chess with a cat

This day in history. 1698. In an effort to westernize the Russian nobility Tsar Peter I placed a tax on their beards and decreed that all landowners must address each other as bro.

me: I wouldn’t say I’m unsociable her: you never talk to anyone me: which is why I wouldn’t say it

This day in history. 1885. Bulgarian Unification Day. I bet you didn't know that Bulgaria was ever ununified. Well, it was. Eastern Rumelia, an autonomous province of the Ottoman Empire, declared itself unified with the Principality of Bulgaria. I bet you had no idea about that and a lot of things.

So the waiter said, "The plate is hot,” and I said, "I'll be the judge of that, haha." Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.

Hey girl are you a deep mud puddle half a block away from the car wash exit because I would totally hit that

“How does the book say to ask?” “May I please have some food.” “And, what did YOU say?” “I don’t remember.” “What did YOU say?” “Gimme food, bitch.” “See the difference?” “I guess.”

The early bird gets the worm but the late bird gets a tootsie pop so you tell me who’s winning

The cats graciously put on a magic show for us last night. I figured out how they did most of the tricks, but I didn’t say anything, because that would have been rude.