John-Paul

@jpkeates.com

Parties like it's £19.99 Retired. British male; socially awkward. Profile Image - A bearded man in a room looks into the camera. He has a face best suited to a text description.

For many sufferers, the first inkling that they have Parkinson's Disease is when they notice that they're unable to overcome the desire to interview David Niven.

A topless girl eating crackers who I first thought was a grumpy member of the flying squad, turned out to be a relaxed (if tipsy) teenager with sunburn. It was a Ritzy titsy sweeney meanie mellow pickled hot backed teenie. That I saw for the first time today.

Found a council road works van crashed by the side of the road and called an ambulance for the driver. When they arrived, they took his vital signs straight away. When I objected, they said they only planned to use them to divert traffic. #LunchPun

The Red Hot Chilli Pipers think their name is so clever. But they could have called themselves, Everything but the Skirl. Not so clever after all.

I've been told, "Don’t eat oysters unless there is an R in the month". There's never an r in "the month", I think it's something being put around by oysters. #LunchPun

When I die, I'm not sure my son will admire the completeness and accuracy of the tags on my music collection and its well-considered folder structure. But I hope so.

My wife was moaning that I can't even get the simplest things right. I pointed out that, a) that was a pretty insulting thing to say, and 2) it just wasn't true.