Be careful, people; there are a lot of scams on the internet. For just $19.99, I can show you how to avoid them.

I have an idea for a chain of Elvis Steakhouses. You know, for people who love meat tender.

Just found out the neighborhood had a meeting about the crazy person on the block. Weird that I wasn't invited.

A pirate walks into a bar... It was at that moment that he realized that his patch was on the wrong eye.

If you're skydiving and your parachute doesn't deploy, don't worry... You have the rest of your life to fix it.

My ex left me after saying I’ll never amount to anything. Fifteen years later, I have one thing to say to her... Lucky guess.

I passed all my courses except for Greek mythology... That has always been my Achilles’ elbow.

Had a date last night. I really enjoyed it... Tonight I'm gonna try a fig.

I don't want anyone at my funeral. I'll come visit you

Someone invited me to their dog's birthday party on Saturday. What a freak! I am NOT coming to your dog's birthday party! Besides, my cat is getting married that weekend!

So, what if I don't know what Apocalypse means? It's not like it’s the end of the world…

🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱🐱

Oh, you want the time? Not on my watch, buddy.

What if the Hokey Pokey really IS what it's all about? It would turn me around.

My wife gets mad whenever I mess with her red wine... So I added fruit and lemonade to it. Now she’s sangria than ever.

Has anyone lived long enough to buy a second bottle of Worcestershire sauce? I haven't bought my first one yet.

My body is a temple... Ancient, crumbling, cursed, and probably haunted.

I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals! IM LIVID.

My New Year's resolution is to stop putting things off until the last minute.

I heard about a man who fell into an upholstery machine at work. Don't worry, he’s fully recovered.

An electrician didn't get home until after 2 a.m. Wife: Wire you insulate? Electrician: Watts it to you? I’m ohm, aren’t I?

When I was young, I wanted to play the guitar really badly. After years of hard work, I can play the guitar really badly...

Sometimes I feel like I don't get paid enough to do my job. Please be kind to your nurses; this is a highly physically and psychologically demanding job.

Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water. I was like, well, dam.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on workdays... I said it must be my weekend immune system.

I’m trying to write an unofficial Harry Potter book about Platform 9 3/4. But I feel like I’m hitting a wall.

I have a new pastime. It is called silent tennis... It is just like regular tennis, but without the racket.

My friend keeps saying, "Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water!" I know he means well.

My therapist told me that I have trouble interpreting social cues... I think she’s in love with me.

I don’t care how old I am… If I walk by a toy in a store that has a "Try Me" sticker on it, I'm pushing that button!