inside this suppository mr bond is an electrode primed to deliver a thousand volts directly to your prostate. when activated it will make you ejaculate uncontrollably until you die of dehydration. coming, then going, mister bond.

Call me a child left behind cause this bush got me acting stupid

I’m better than a freethinker. I’m a premiumthinker. A pay-to-win thinker.

combining miracle whip and wonder bread to create a dish I’m thinking of calling Thaumaturge’s Delight. I can’t believe it’s not butter is substituted for the whipped cream to make it into Skeptic’s Breakfast

‪imagine being one of the belettered creatures at the New Yorker they task with putting diaereses into the articles. the tortured devotion to a typographical quirk. what kind of warped loyalty it must foster in those unfortunate enough to bear this onerous, futile task. ‬

One of the best to ever do it

Luke O'Neil@lukeoneil47.bsky.social · 10mo ago

Very sad to say it seems Mike Fossey, aka Mike F. has died. Truly one of the funniest posters of all time and a talented artisan. Had been friends online for many years, but I got to hang out a couple times at shows in Boston and he was funny and sweet in real life too.

rigging up a contraption to remotely drop the frozen turkey into the deep fryer like the thing what did the trinity test

make my tombstone a giant pez dispenser that dispenses pez-shaped marble slabs that have the epitaph on them. they’re like little souvenirs.

ARBY'S CASHIER: Yo! You look old and weak. What's good OLD MAN: I wanna big heap shit. Same going out as coming in. CASHIER: One order hog fattener grade arby's roof rabbit, is that gonna be big boy or bitch boy OLD MAN: Big boy. Cook it to leather too CASHIER: We don't cook it any other way brother

reminded vaguely of vine, which collapsed because a bunch of the largest creators on it - the people who were generating the site’s *actual* value - approached the company about a deeper (but also labor organized) partnership and the company went “ew!”, scorned them, and the creators all left.

Odessa Steppes@odessasteppes.northsky.social · last yr.

AND BOTH THR COOL PEOPLE AND CENTRIST DWEEBS ARE LIKE "HEY, WE'RE PERSONALLY INVESTED IN THIS SITE'S SUCCESS. CAN WE PAY YOU?"!! And the people handed that legendary fucking once-in-a-lifetime windfall are staring at it with contempt and muttering "I wanted the nazi slopbros. This sucks."

riding my bike through the summer dusk, maximum speed. shrieking, maximum pitch. mouth, fully open. catchin bugs. bat cuisine.

waxed denim jeans except the only part that’s waxed is the crotch and a streak down one of the legs so it looks like you wet your pants

got the wrong kind of “hung chads” in mind when someone told me about the fraud of the 2000 presidential election

Lesbian Goat Stalin

got the song “smoke on the water” confused with the phrase “smoke up your ass”. boy that didn’t go over well at my last live music gig. let’s just say the themed special effects didn’t blow the audience away.

my hobby is standing in front of closed doors in high traffic areas

*pulls out a desiccant pack from the bag of jerky* the fuck kinda cow is this supposed to be from

son the only “psy op” I wanna hear about is the 2012 smash hit by PSY, OPpa gangnam style

me when my girl takes her top off

went to go receive communion but the priest kept yanking the eucharist back and doing little stunts with it like one of those turkish ice cream vendors. at one point he casually performed a miracle and produced the wafer from behind my ear.

running a marathon with a special gait algorithmically designed to prevent either of my nuts from making contact with the other. for should the two ever meet it would be as the kiss of matter and antimatter