So generous when gas stations have that cabinet of free bags of ice out front

White man's penis, Lloyd my man. White man's penis.

My shirt so big i gotta fold it in half like an New York Slice. To even wear it

Richard the Third on Bumble: "A match, a match, my Kingdom for a Match!"

Iphone Blanche DuBois: Ive always depended on the chargers of strangers...

The human heart has four chambers. The SiAD heart has four torture chambers.

showing this to my psychiatrist

Matt Walsh played Sleepy Gary in the memory parasite episode of Rick and Morty lol. Look it up

It's so cute to me that microwave meal instructions continue to think I'm going to "adjust my microwave to 50% power" for step two or whatever. I've never even heard anyone mention that feature outside of instructions

Everyone gangsta til the page where "No David!" has his damn ass out

I'm on a seafoodcar diet. Yeah-- See Food Car go Vroom!

In elementary school a kid was talking about Portal 2 coming out and I was like oh what's that? and he exasperatedly replied "Dude. It's a game where you utilize portal technology 🙄"

I really want to travel to Kuala Lumpur but the only thing I know about it is that I like how the name sounds. It's like sweet candy on my tongue. I'd be able to say stuff like "reminds me of when i was in Kuala Lumpur" in conversation forever. Sort of a gift to my future self.

Not like I really want it to happen, but it's interesting that no one's cast Joe Rogan in a weird supporting role yet. Yknow, in a Safdie kinda way?

I love that it's called the "Better Business Bureau." We kind of take it for granted but most things like that don't get cute catchy names, yknow?

I have no love for Jerry Seinfeld but i'm so sick of the "and he was BAD in Seinfeld!" take. Like ohh my god fuck off you sitcom Larper. You need a guy like that. Obviously he's surrounded by three of the best performances ever but the show never overextends him.

to clear up something ppl have been DMing about: Yes, in "SiAD and the Case of the Chemical Syndicate," i did indeed throw the lead suspect into a vat of acid and remark "a fitting end for his kind!" However, this was before my vow of nonlethality was canonized.

Cackling and twirling my mustache as i tie my own penis to the train tracks with lit dynamite

I actually smoked a bong with zezima once

Eccentricity of mine I genuinely recommend... A few years ago I started intentionally buying boxers several sizes too big. It's so comfortable. It feels as though my weiner alone is naked while I remain clothed. Thank me later

I just—like, sure, being a trillionaire is cool I guess but what’s it all for if you haven’t even seen the wreckage of the titanic firsthand

“That will be pussy million dollars sir.”

Nice vape, do you suck that thing hundreds of times a day to feel good?

Im watching Hood reaction videos of the bit in Casino Royale where James Bond gets whipped in the balls with a rope over and over

WE HAVE BEEN BOARDED BY ARMED CHUDJAKS. WE HAVE BEEN BOARDED BY ARMED CHUDJAKS.

Rogan and RFK Jr. looking like the broke friend when u get ur wings order 😭

Getting high asf and watching Khan Academy 🔥

I always wanted this Snake. if i were this kid i wouldve asked to keep the Snake during the "Santa replaces everyone's gifts" montage