I hate living in a world where WWF has to tell you you're "symbolically" adopting an elephant because at some point, someone actually thought they were getting an entire pachyderm.
Candy Elliott
@sixfootcandy.bsky.social
Gen X woman with opinions, observations, and a sense of humor. LA 📍 https://bsky.app/profile/did:plc:qut5myo23afai4odf3z25trw/feed/aaadwsj277rdi
Monday morning is mostly remembering all the things Friday Me left for Monday Me.
I know I sound paranoid, but the grocery store somehow knows exactly which item I came in for and only hides that one item.
"Call me when you get this. No. This isn't 1998 and I'm not your mom. Text me like a normal person.
Some artists don’t just make music. They become part of your life. Glen Hansard was one of those artists for me. I’m heartbroken. 💔
Some of you have never needed an emergency iced coffee, and it shows.
My walk of shame is going into a store for paper towels, thinking I don't need a cart, and having to waddle back to the front cradling eight items in my shirt.
Trump has fallen asleep so many times at the Correspondents' Dinner... at this rate, he’s going to achieve full REM sleep before dessert.
The phrase “You can’t miss it” has a 100% success rate… at making me miss it.
I saw a guy at a restaurant today wearing a "Smarter Than Einstein" T-shirt while trying to pull open a door that clearly said "PUSH." Some jokes write themselves.
sneaking into your home at night and putting a bunch of extra lint into your dryer’s filter. just really loading the thing up
“What’s goin’ on?” “I think Stan’s wife is sleeping with the UPS guy.” “I feel bad for him.” “Stan or the UPS guy?” “Hehehe.”
Every married woman knows the fear of hearing, “This one came out so good.”
The boos were nice, but I feel like we missed a golden opportunity for a synchronized “f**k you” chant.
It’s adorable how Pete Hegseth is making hormone therapy a priority… as long as it’s testosterone. Women still have to jump through flaming hoops to get HRT.
How far is too far to turn around after realizing you left your husband at the restaurant?
Ate the rest of my berry mix today because I like to live dangerously. 🍓
Marriage is a long series of: "What?" "Never mind!" "WHAT?" "I SAID NEVER MIND!"
Not everything deserves your attention. Protect your peace.💜✨
When will we, as a modern society, abandon the barbaric practice of decorating our homes with the skins of dead animals? STOP THE SLAUGHTER.
It doesn't matter how careful I am, the moment a piece of clothing is clean, my body operates on a magnetic pull that exclusively attracts coffee, condiments, and salad dressing.
The best kind of kindness is the kind that’s genuine, even when no one’s watching.
Going to the grocery store on the Fourth of July is a test of human survival. The store is packed with people ready to fight to the death over the last bag of hamburger buns.
Going to the grocery store on the Fourth of July is a test of human survival. The store is packed with people ready to fight to the death over the last bag of hamburger buns.
It’s getting harder and harder for me to continue writing funny posts when the world is on f*cking fire.