[murderer while in the middle of murdering me] did you just call timeout

thinking back on one of my most formative summers where we got a ouija board at the toy store and then everything in the world was extremely haunted until we went back to school

oh did you say “nelly’s country grammar”? my bad i thought you said “fraser’s kelsey grammer”. either way, they’re both special order but i can have them here as quick as wednesday

my wife and i share a single login for the local grocery store rewards program and one huge benefit of this is that it has helped me memorize her phone number

may august the fourth be with you

day not going great, just got put on a paper towel limit for the whole rest of the week

mcdonald's manager: show the new guy the ropes me: yeah no prob *opens drawer* we use them to restrain grimace

Could probably fit 3 clown cars in a Trojan Horse

When life gives you lemons, make lemonades* *grenades made of lemons, to wage war on life

friend who owns his own company: it’s just meetings meetings meetings. me who just emailed mini wheats: preaching to the choir

[public enemy hype voice] bring the cheese

@ygrene.bsky.social

anton lestrange@hugemclarge.bsky.social · 2y ago

her: do that thing I like me: buys cheese

her: do that thing I like me: buys cheese

maniacal laughter for maniacal circumstances doesn't feel like the best medicine, and that's why I take Prescription Drugs™️

nice joke, lol, reminds me of this unrelated political thing i can’t stop talking about

There’s a guy at the farmers market who will read your tomato’s aura for a quarter

[barry manilow voice] cobra cobra commanderrrrrrrr

[browsing in hospital gift shop] Do you guys sell legs

a poor analogy is like a bad comparison

I've been recording bird sounds and playing them back to the birds that made them. They seem impressed. Am I a bird DJ?

That feeling just before they call shirts or skins and you’re wearing a wire for Brad’s mom

so the reflecting pool wasn’t vandalized?? well then hang on a sec because what the heck else has this guy not been honest about with us?? ??

me, at any given time, experiencing any fatigue or negative emotion at all: I bet a Dr. Pepper would fix this

Dude on that skateboard listening to Fleetwood Mac really had us thinking shit was getting better

middle agers of the corn

i am once again pursuing false hope by consuming a delicious caffeinated beverage

*waving gun wildly* MY TUMMY HURTS

eating a bunch of books to keep up with ai

my dentist made the local news last night because he tried to run the ice cream man off the road again

ANTHROPIC: Our son loves humanity and for the low price of trillions and trillions of dollars will usher in an era of unprecedented peace and prosperity! OPENAI: Our horrible oafish son is hacking web sites without our permission. ANTHROPIC: (eyes narrowing) Our son is also evil