My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m not good at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Looks like I picked the wrong day to open my chunky knitwear and casserole emporium.
I've just been stopped by a copper. He gave me the verdigris.
‘Did you hear? Karen and Alan Dumpty had another baby boy. A giant egg, sadly.’ ‘Aw. Still, they must treat him no differently from little Stephen and Jason. Afford him every respect. What are they going to call him?’
Actually, Valentine was the name of the scientist. You're thinking of Valentine's Monster.
I'm at that stage of work where you go 'Tee hee, I can put this off until January, which is several years away. I'm so clever!'
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? A: Because it saw someone from work on a Saturday.
How delightfully quaint some of these old Devon village names are, their etymologies lost in the mists of time.
Saw someone with the same teeth as me at the coincidentist.
I think this shop is hosting some kind of networking event for ghosts.
If you press the bottom of the cylinder, her legs collapse
Love visiting small museums. Really looking forward to having nightmares about this guy for the rest of my life.
![cartoon for the guardian by Stephen Collins - script as follows:
[Scene is a darkened LOFT. Amongst the boxes and junk are FOUR KNACKERED OLD FANS - three tower fans and one circular, with cracked grey plastic and buttons missing. One fan, TOWER FAN 1, is a bit taller than the others, and is addressing them]
1
TOWER FAN 1:
Right lads, get ready.
2
TOWER FAN 1:
This is our time.
3
TOWER FAN 1:
The time when we remember who we are, and why we’re here.
4
TOWER FAN 1:
We are the four crap fans in a British person’s loft,
and we are here to make absolutely no difference whatsoever.
5
TOWER FAN 1:
I know what you’re
thinking, lads:
6
TOWER FAN 1:
Surely this will be the year they finally replace us?
7
TOWER FAN 1:
Our plastic’s gone all brown... I haven’t oscillated since 2018...
8
TOWER FAN 1:
Dave here sounds like a spitfire and blows like a sad cat’s sigh…
TOWER FAN 2:
Cheers mate
9
TOWER FAN 1:
But no. These people are British, and every year, they forget the sun exists.
By the time they remember,
new fans will cost *four million pounds* on Amazon.
10
TOWER FAN 1:
So we’ll be back down there... shovelling thick air across the moaning faces of a species that cannot comprehend the concept of air conditioning, or even just closing the curtains when it’s hot out...
11
TOWER FAN 1:
...while they incessantly bang on about normally hot countries which this country is now temporarily a bit hotter than.
12
[The loft hatch opens and a person comes up the ladder]
PERSON:
APPARENTLY IT’S HOTTER THAN GREECE, LISA](https://cdn.bsky.app/img/feed_thumbnail/plain/did:plc:4m3we4apbjayclzcnhwe3pfp/bafkreidbpfu2ioghspjcg4xitzv655jzjwp5lgxk5hi3ag7sechgh222ze)
Dug up some bones in the garden and I’ve tried to recreate what sort of animal they might have been from. Looks like some sort of snake most probably.
Yet ANOTHER person with the same teeth as me at the coincidentists.
