Women call me “the koala” because I'm lazy and have chlamydia
My MBA on LinkedIn stands for “multiple brain aneurysms”
I was with those teenagers when they died. Their last words were “the only way for us to win is to keep giving money to Israel. And the only way for you to win is to bet on the outcomes of this war. Enter promo code #purpleheart for a free 200 dollar bet on the number of American dead and wounded. “
Buying up diarrhoea lettuce and marketing it as organic ozempic
Gonna need people to understand the differences between digital art/photoshop and AI.
Six hours and twice as many whiskeys in to mandatory team building karaoke and only now do management comprehend that they cannot stop what they set in motion
I don’t necessarily agree when science says every KO causes brain damage, but a nasty head kick during sparring did help me discover an appreciation for nu metal
Got slapped and pinched pretty bad by a gang of zoomers at the day time rave because I tried to rehabilitate the Lumineers’ music
Gentleman, we’ve been over the rules in the locker room. Protect yourself at all times. If you wanna touch cocks, touch cocks
Anxiety: what if what you’ve done isn’t enough? Depression: what’s the point in even trying? Part of my brain that stores old Simpsons quotes: The Aurora Borealis? At this time of year? At this time of day? In this part of the country? Localized entirely within your kitchen?
Due to historic cost of living pressures, I’ve had to raise the size of this dump truck ass
Tomorrow is never promised. Commit securities fraud today
I’m one of the elite force sent to guard Americas beloved polluted reflecting pool. If antifa so much as thinks about harming a single baby duck corpse floating upside down in the stagnant green waters, they’ll learn just how cruel the long, numb and tingling, left arm of the law can be.
In ten years I’ll be Britain’s prime minister. Not that I want to be, it’ll just be my turn by then
Look at those ears buckling under the weight of all that shareholder value
I was abducted by aliens who took me onto their craft and asked if I was free to jump on an MS Teams call real quick
Taking a day off work so me and the boys can go throw rocks at trains
The AI I’ve been trained to replace me can’t do a single work task, but it does have an encyclopaedic knowledge of the animorphs universe
My retirement plan is to “lose” a war with the US and Israel
Hot Ones isn’t extreme enough. Cover a wing in bees.
5 things ruining my company’s budget with unregulated AI spend taught me about B2B sales
You’re right to push back. I did send a terminator back in time to kill the leader of the resistance
The exit survey asked for feedback, NOT for mercy. So Sandra from HR better buckle the fuck up
98% of my mental health care is putting my ear next to a cat’s chest when they’re purring
*sneaking a bag of bakers chocolate and grapes to a 6th grade basketballer* Remember: airbud needs to go down before the 3rd quarter. If my parlay hits, that Nintendo switch 2 is yours
Combating all this woke nonsense by making a traditionally masculine M&m’s mascot with abs and cum gutters