I wish I could shazam a smell

I love ending incredibly aggressive emails with "Yours in Christ."

there I was eating the spring roll, and that's when I realized- oh no, the mint, is it like lettuce? is this going to kill me? did I make it through everything to die of this delicious bite? so anyway I dipped it in the peanut sauce and took another bite

[Me trying to one-up Olivia Coleman] Oh him? He’s my husband… Rattan Man

It’s a good thing people make them out of molehills or we wouldn’t have any mountains.

The me you get when you wake me up from a deep sleep at 2 am and I don't have my glasses and I am stumbling around in the dark and have to pee and step on a LEGO and scream in pain is very unfortunately the realest me

wearing lasagna noodles as bracelets was a fantastic idea, people stop talking to me the second I start eating one off my arm

Oh, you have a baby on board? Well mine was elected board chairman.

bro you should definitely message your high school gf on Facebook out of the blue this is literally never not a good idea

angel on one shoulder: it’s time to go to work devil on the other: no stay in bed yoda on my back: get up, crushing me you are

[job interview] boss: what would you do if faced with a situation where- me: give up immediately

Dueling dermatologists choose pustules at dawn

Dr. Emily Arndt 🏳️‍⚧️@brachinus.bsky.social · 2d ago

Dueling confectioners choose pastilles at dawn

Dueling pharmacists choose pestles at dawn

Dr. Emily Arndt 🏳️‍⚧️@brachinus.bsky.social · 2d ago

Dueling gods choose pestilence at dawn

I tried to stop cussing but there are just too many Cybertrucks on my local roads

Dueling weightlifters choose pectorals at dawn.

Cosmic Clau@cosmicclau.bsky.social · 2d ago

Dueling florists choose petals at dawn.

Bsky is like the old folks home before the old folks home - sure you shit your pants every now and again but it’s mostly fun and games and not the home they send you to die in which is something

i’m doing my colon prep for a screening colonoscopy like a good little xennial🚽

A good friend will help you with anything except having that first friend and saying "I'd like to go from zero to one with you!" only works on robots

I never believed in hypnosis until the day I spent 6 hours semi-consciously scrolling in a kitten/puppy pic account.

“A real friend would be more supportive” I whined resentfully to my imaginary friend.

Don't quote me -shitposters on Bluesky

*eating a cottage cheese sandwich* lol who told you bsky isn’t cool all my bsky friends are cool

A threesome? Too much going on at once. I can’t even back out of the driveway while the radio’s on.

I remember running through the wet grass falling a step behind both of us never tiring so I kicked your ankle and the bear got to you first

It's not like I foresaw Hot Girl Summer or Brat Summer but it would have taken Nostradamus to see Brokeback Basket Movie Trailer Summer coming

just saw an ad that a local casino is giving away a 1989 camaro iroc z and i’m guessing they just went to mi and stole it outta your stepdads yard

saw a license plate that started with CVM which is actually how Ancient Rome spelled cum

A Fiat Topolino and a wicker husband would fix me

Had that dream again I’m singing “happy birthday mr president” to Frosty the Snowman as a quartet with Teller, one of those robots who fell on the stairs and can’t get up, and an improvising Marlon Brandon in a muumuu and we do jazz hands so long he melts

hi pls join me in this fever dream where I was awake 24 hours and binged cape fear on apple (laugh out loud riot imho) and then caught up on HOD only to keep thinking rhanaeyra was the daughter in cape fear and being so confused as to what I was watching