I will always fall for the trap. I know how much it means to you.

only celebrating spanksgiving this year

do you disavow bofa?

Don't worry baby, I've tested negative for mummy's curses

ur mom is inevitable

I brake check for teslas

Oh you started dynamic pricing? Well I just started dynamic discounts at self-checkout.

As an everyday American, it's hard to know which lies to believe. That's why I watch podcasts. They cut through the science and deliver uneducated takes that I know I can blindly trust.

It's crazy how schools insisted I learn the quadratic formula, instead of something actually useful like how to create traps in the forest using ropes and logs to fight against the robots

Shop local. Shoplift corporate.

Here's my TOP TEN single digit numbers: 10: 7 9: 8 8: 6 7: 3 6: 4 5: 9 4: 1 3: 5 2: 0 1: 2

Regular gasoline: $6.29 Regular gasoline with car wash: $6.19 Regular gasoline if you slip me a twenty: $6.09

I watched You Can See Everything. Nathan Fielder is such an artist. It's a poignant commentary on business culture. Makes me want to continue fighting for genuineness.

The ai is training us, man

There should be a post interaction setting where people are only allowed to pick from a dropdown of replies I pre-write.

Dropping food on your shirt is so embarrassing. You have to clean it off like a murder scene. If anyone sees that stain then they immediately have something over you. "At least I can keep my food in my mouth."

Reading LinkedIn posts... I think the AI chatbots have somehow tricked humans into posting for them. "Here's how I feel about synergizing."

4:04 sleep not found

BREAKING: Trump accepts a new gift from a foreign government. Saudi Arabia donates a harem of women valued at over 2 billion dollars. Will this one violate the Emoluments Clause? The Supreme Court to weigh in.

Here's my TOP TEN single digit numbers: 10: 7 9: 8 8: 6 7: 3 6: 4 5: 9 4: 1 3: 5 2: 0 1: 2

Here's my number endorsements: YES on 33 NO on 34 YES on 35 through 40 NO on 41, 55, and 62 YES on 1234

my roomba is sentient and just called me a bitch

There should be some event where all of the plastic surgery in the world mysteriously disappears. It's a season-long mystery why. Then the cliffhanger for next season is all the hair plugs go missing.

Oh farter where fart thou

I didn't get fired, I'm just on eternity leave.

I been thru a horse on a desert with no name. Was slimy.

introvert is a portmanteau of intrusive thoughts and pervert

I set up a trail cam in the litter box. I gotta see who's disturbing my litter!

I carry shelter dogs around NYC in a dog backpack to help get them adopted and forget them at subway stops

📞🙂: 911, what’s your emergency? 👨‍🦲: yup i was drivin around and i smell a gas leak 📞😳: Oh no! What is the location? 👨‍🦲: well seems to me like it’s coming from the driver’s seat 📞😩: Ahhh you got us! 👨‍🦲: yup you got owned 📞🙂: alright have a good day 👨‍🦲: yup alright you too bye now