The news has a Bond effect on me. I'm shaken, not stirred.

Call me old fashioned, but *contracts tuberculosis* *dies*

Just passed the season’s first spirit Halloween, can’t wait to stop by to buy the most terrifying costume of 2026: bagged salad mix

*shakes wife awake* *whispers* Karen. Karen! Don't make any sudden moves...he's back again.

[job interview] Interviewer: Are you here for the spy position? Me: *looking shifty* Maaaybe? Interviewer: *taking notes* Oh, you’re good

[at job interview] Interviewer: What would you say are your biggest qualities? Me: A soft touch and stealth Interviewer: Would you have an example? Me: I am now wearing your underwear.

[job interview] Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?

Today i'm picking this month's Big Green Book Club books. This is a monthly subscription service, where I individually choose, wrap and post a book out to each of the members, based on the kind of stuff they enjoy reading. 3, 6 & 12 month options. HERE! www.biggreenbookshop.com/book-club/in...

[board meeting] - Ladies and gentlemen, our chairman [a half-chair half-man creature is wheeled into the room] "Pleave… killl meeeee…"

[1st date] Me: I've got crabs [date leaves] [back home looking at my fish tank] "It's all right guys, one day I'll find one who'll like you"

In an unexpected twist, this episode is about Simon's first year in university

I can't wait for the 168h deodorant.

im going into denial, anyone need anything?

Well said, Stuart bsky.app/profile/nett...

Nettlecake@nettlecake.bsky.social · 2d ago

Brilliant letter from Stuart Thompson to Jeremy Clarkson about his comments that benefit claimants should write weekly thank you letters to tax payers detailing how they spend their benefits each week.

Date: So, tell me a little about you? Me: I LOVE porn. Date: … Me: Any kind! Porn salad, porn cocktail, linguine and porn Date: Ooh, you mean *prawn* Me: Ahah! What?! No. Gross! That's disgusting.

Why is there no logic with eggs? [making an omelette] Three eggs omelette. Classic! [making fried eggs] How many do you want? One or two? [making poached egg] Just the one. No point being greedy. [making scrambled eggs] Is eighteen eggs enough for two?

Last night me put some white wine back in the fridge for me to enjoy a *checks notes* MOUTHFUL of wine. Last night me is an asshole.

“Dear Dairy,”

These paint colours are excellent euphemisms for an erection

This is not by me, but I never found the original post that I love so much. It's probably the thing that I quote the most often.

Jeffw@jeffw.bsky.social · 7d ago

I never learnt from my mistakes. My mistakes are too stupid to teach me anything.

I never learnt from my mistakes. My mistakes are too stupid to teach me anything.

One can but hope.

Jeffw@jeffw.bsky.social · 7d ago

The orange geriatric baby should really shut up about things he knows nothing about and/or doesn't understand, but then, I guess, he'd just have to shut up and never speak again.

The orange geriatric baby should really shut up about things he knows nothing about and/or doesn't understand, but then, I guess, he'd just have to shut up and never speak again.

Aaron Rupar@atrupar.com · 7d ago

Trump: "They're coming from Africa, they're coming from South America, they're coming from different parts of Asia, and they're invading Europe. They're invading Europe! It's an invasion. And the UK is a prime suspect."

He's up to no good. Yep! He's no gooding as we speak.

Aaaa…CHOO!

before conference pears we could only talk to one pear at a time

I've decided to one-up people who say goodbye to me by replying "Betterbye!"

I've decided to one-up people who say goodbye to me by replying "Betterbye!"